


Hyung, We're Nine or None, Right?

by bubblebubblebubbletea



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Allusions to abuse, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, It's Kinda Gross, Like, M/M, Multi, OT9 - Freeform, Polyamory, Seungmin is asexual, The Author Regrets Nothing, aka the love of my life, allusions to depression, and i like to Project Onto My Characters, and when aren't we projecting????, anxious characters, bc stress, but it's okay bc love is love is love is love, but it's whatever bc you chose to be here soooo, but pls lmk if i need to tag smth else, chan gets homesick sometimes, for jette, happy latelatelatelate birthday, homesick boys, i try to tag specific triggers at the beginning of each chapter, ily and want you all to have a good experience, insecure!felix, insecure!minho, jeongin has an eating disorder :((, jisung has a nonsexual oral fixation, let's get real here y'all, lix goes nonverbal when stressed and/or anxious bc like...., me too, overuse of petnames, they're all in love, uwu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 02:39:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 73,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16525736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblebubblebubbletea/pseuds/bubblebubblebubbletea
Summary: They're all tired, so Felix tries to help them out, but he doesn't want to be recognized for this deed. ...Why? Is there something wrong with their little Lix? Chan really hopes not.Alternatively, Stray Kids are all in a relationship and, despite their problems, they try to make it work. Everyone is in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chanlovebot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanlovebot/gifts).



> To my angel, Jette! I'm so sorry for the lateness of this birthday gift!! Happy 16th, my Love! I was just going to make this a small, 25 page ficlet or so, but I think I want to make this into a full fic for you, so if you've got any requests *winkwink* Anyway, I love you, please let me know how you feel about this uwu

Chan is fucking tired. He’s spread thin as the leader to a growing boy group under a wealthy company. With the stress of making sure his babies are alright as well as appeasing the managers and JYP-nim on top of his pre-designated duties as a leader, Chan is ready to snap the neck of the next person who asks him to do something while he is already  _ actively, obviously doing something.  _

It’s little Felix that comes to interrupt him. “Chris,” Felix mumbles into the semi-darkness of the otherwise empty producing studio. 

Chan ignores him (not really, he’s got noise-cancelling headphones on and is standing on an untwining wire as he prays no one will disturb him.) Felix frowns as Chan shows no signs of even knowing Felix was there. He walks forward slowly and puts a hand on Chan’s shoulder gently. Chan jumps, hand jerking the section of audio he’d been meticulously arranging into the trashcan icon in the app. Chan lets out some choice words as fire seems to seep from his nostrils and he retrieves the audio clip. He’s rigid in turning to face his intruder, eyes bright with the intent of committing a murder. 

Before he realizes who it is. Before he sees the regret and almost-fear in Felix’s eyes. Chan lets out a long, slow breath, eyes closing as he becomes suddenly and achingly weary. “Hey, Felix,” he breathed carefully, angling his head up towards the younger. “Why are you still awake now, baby?”

Felix lets his cheeks fill with air before releasing the building pressure. “Jisunggie and I were waiting up for you, but you weren’t coming home,” Felix admits, voice soothing something Chan hadn’t realized was being twisted as the familiar lilt of English filled his chest. “I’m really sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to make you mess up your track, honest.”

“I know,” he breathed, smiling lightly and reaching out to pull Felix into his lap, “and you didn’t.” Felix makes an unsure noise as he settles into his hyung’s chest. “Really, I still didn’t know where the clip was going. I was pulling a guess and check.” He gave a little huff. “Very professional, I know.” Felix giggled lightly, wrapping his arms tightly around Chan’s waist and pulling their bodies flush against each other in a koala-like hug. “Now, little koala, it’s time for you to go back to the dorms and sleep. We’ve all got morning schedules.”

“Hyung, you have to come back, too. Jisunggie and I have been waiting for you. It’s almost two!” Felix stressed, eyes serious as he frowned, maintaining eye contact with his leader.

“Lix-ah,” Chan began, “I’ve really got to finish--”

“No,” Felix cut in stubbornly, eyes cutting to slits as he instead glared at the older. “There’s no way I’m going back alone.  _ You _ ’ve got a morning schedule, too!”

“Felix, really, it isn’t even going to take that long,” Chan placated, running his finger gently through Felix’s dyed-orange locks. 

Felix pulled Chan’s hand out of his hair. “You don’t get to lie to me, hyung. This isn’t just me talking as a dongsaeng or another member. This is me talking as your  _ boyfriend _ . Come home. Come get some sleep or rest or  _ something _ that isn’t staring at a computer screen in a self-induced mania as you allow JYP to crush your fucking passion out of you!”

“Lix--”

“ _ No.  _ I’m not doing this, hyung! Everyone’s noticed how the managers are yelling at you and giving you more and more to do while we have two and three hours of free-time in the day. Everyone is watching the bags under your eyes grow. Everyone can hear you getting snappier with people because this has got you standing on a melting piece of ice in the middle of the fucking Mariana Trench with a boulder tied to your neck. Everyone has been asking what we need to do and Woojinnie-hyung said we should just give it another day or two, but I can’t. I  _ won’t _ . I’ve already watched you put yourself in the hospital once because JYP is an asshole, but I will  _ not _ watch you do it again or I will have Minho-hyung beat you up!” 

Felix took in a deep breath, eyes glossy with tears. “I know this is a job, hyung. And I know this isn’t a normal job. But every job, no matter the subject, has limits. And working someone until they are physically incapable of it is absolutely the limit. You need to tell the managers ‘no’ or ask one of us to help you because that’s why we’re here, hyung. We’re a support system, a  _ family _ . And families rely on each other.” Felix’s eyebrows furrowed, face twisted in pain. “I need you at home, hyung.  _ Jisung _ needs you at home. So please--”

Chan moved forward and placed a soft kiss to the corner of Felix’s lips. “Let’s go home, then, Felix,” Chan whispered, wiping at the younger’s eyes gently. “Don’t cry, Felix, don’t cry.”

“‘M not,” Felix lied, using his wrist to clear the tears.

Chan smiled brightly, dimples on full display as he began to sing, “ _ Rubber duckie, you’re the one! You make bathtime so much fun! Rubber duckie-- _ ”

Felix burst into laughter, covering Chan’s mouth playfully. “No, no, no!” he protested playfully, words full of giggles, as his voice raised in pitch. Chan laughed and leaned in for another kiss.

“Now, let’s head back home so that you, Jisung, and I can snuggle up and get some sleep.” Felix nodded.

* * *

 

It was a quick walk to the dorm and they were quiet as they removed their shoes. Jisung tearfully looked up front where he was curled up on the couch with his head resting on his knees. Jisung met Chan’s eyes before his face contorted with sadness and the tears began to fall, Jisung gasping for breath in between sobs.

Chan was quick to make it to Jisung’s side. “Sunggie, what’s wrong?” Chan cooed, pulling the young boy into his lap. 

Jisung unfurled himself only to tightly latch on to Chan, similar to the way Felix had just half an hour earlier in the studio, but this was more desperate--so much more desperate and Chan felt confused. What could have possibly happened between dinner and now…?

Okay, admittedly a lot, but what could have Jisung so upset?

“You’re an asshole, hyung,” Jisung cried, shoulders shaking as he squeezed the life out of Chan. “You’re such an ass!”

“Talk to me, baby,” Chan soothed, running fingers through the younger’s hair. “What did I do?”

“What do you mean what did you do!” Jisung cried indignantly, pulling away to stare at Chan with frantic eyes. “Are you  _ serious _ ? Hyung, you’re working yourself to death and won’t even ask someone for help. You get upset when we don’t come to one of you when something is bothering us, but you turn around and work yourself into a fucking coma! And I can’t even call you selfish and a  _ real  _ asshole because you’re doing this for us, which just pisses me off even more!”

Chan shushes Jisung gently, pulling Jisung back into his chest, cradling the younger’s head in the crook of his neck and swaying them softly as Jisung continued to cry. “I know, baby, I know, I’m sorry. I’m going to try to take on less work, I promise. I’m not going to end up in the hospital again if I can help it. I know, shh, shh, just let it out,” he breathed softly, rubbing up and down Jisung’s spine. He kept whispering soft words as he helped Jisung calm down, but even once he’d stopped crying, Jisung didn’t move to get up.

“Why don’t we go to bed now?” Chan whispered to both his boys. Felix nodded and Chan stood with Jisung balanced in his arms.

Chan wound up in the middle of the two on the mattress, both Jisung and Felix leaving kisses to Chan’s cheek and neck and lips. They kept up the soothing affection until Chan’s eyes stopped opening, their boyfriend falling asleep with a soft smile on his face. Jisung was exhausted from the crying but looked at Felix and smiled. Felix beamed back, carefully leaning over Chan to reach Jisung’s lips. Their kiss was gentle and warm, a content sigh leaving Jisung’s lips as Felix let out a breathy laugh. 

“Good night, Peter,” Felix whispered, noses touching.

“Good night, Youngbok,” Jisung quipped back, causing Felix to let out an indignant noise. Jisung laughed before pulling Felix back into a kiss. “Good night, Felix. Thank you for bringing him home.”

* * *

 

Jisung made a high whining noise as Chan sat up, grabbing blindly for the lost warmth. “ _ Hyung _ ,” Jisung whined, extending the word, “lay back down.” 

Chan looked down at Jisung eyes fond. Face puffy from sleep and the pillow’s wrinkles tattooed into his skin, his little squirrel looked adorable. Chan leaned down to place a soft kiss to Jisung’s nose, startling the younger into opening his eyes. A wide smile grew on Jisung’s lips. 

“Oh,” he chirped, “thank you.” Chan laughed, running a hand through Jisung’s bed head carefully. Jisung pulled Chan’s free hand to his lips, leaving a feather-light kiss to the older’s knuckles, before pulling Chan down onto the bed again and climbing on top of him. Jisung hummed. “Much better,” he sighed, ear pressed against Chan’s heart. The steady thumping calmed Jisung’s anxious heart. He was nervous about today’s schedule; he was going to have to lead a large section of a talk show they were attending and it had him panicking. It wasn’t that he wasn’t  _ confident _ \-- okay, maybe that was it. He wasn’t the most confident. 

He knew he could do it, knew he could do it well, but he didn’t believe in himself. And there was a detachment between the logic and the feelings of the situation that was driving him crazy.

“Stop thinking about it,” Felix grumbled from his place on the bed. Still lying on his stomach with his eyes closed and arms crossed under the pillow bracing his head, he didn’t shift or give any other indication he was awake. Jisung stared at Felix, eyes curious as he tried to memorize the pattern of the freckles framing the top of his high cheekbones. “You’re gonna do great,” Felix reiterated, moving one of his hands out from under the pillow and (with terrifying accuracy) placed it on Jisung’s cheek, “so stop thinking about it.”

Jisung hummed, nodding though Felix couldn’t see it, and put his hand over Felix’s petite one. “Thank you, baby.” Felix smiled sleepily, shifting his body closer to the pair. The door to the bedroom creaked open, and Chan looked over, hand in Jisung’s hair pausing its ministrations before he recognized Hyunjin’s figure and continued, smiling. 

“Good morning, angel,” Chan greeted, feeling as though he were about to fall back asleep. Hyunjin grunted, pleased with the nickname but not with the early hour. 

“Schedule cancelled,” he grunted before falling onto the bed where Jisung had been laying. He seemed to contemplate something, though, before climbing over the sandwiched pair and on top of Felix. He hummed. “Warm.”

Felix cracked open an eye, letting his hand fall from Jisung’s cheek. “Did you say that the schedule for the day has been cancelled?”

Hyunjin nodded, yawning and got off of Felix for a moment so the younger could flip onto  his side and cradle Hyunjin against his chest. “Someone wrote the manager or something last night, so he’s giving us the day off. Won’t say who it was from, though, so we can’t even thank ‘em for saving our asses.” 

Chan was looking directly at Felix as he hummed. “Yeah, that sucks. I’d love to thank him.” Felix gave Chan a pleading look as he rubbed Hyunjin’s back, keeping him cradled tightly against his chest. Hyunjin hummed, pleased at the contact. “How are you up right now, then, baby?” he cooed.

“Woojinnie-hyung threatened me into consciousness, then promised me Felix’s warmth if I’d wake you up last. Just a few minutes ago, the manager called.”

“I didn’t get a call?” Chan noted, reaching for his phone and feeling a burst of adrenaline. Had he turned of his sound? Jisung smacked his hand harshly, bringing it away from the device. If Chan had his phone then he could see texts. If he could see texts, he’d have things to do. If he had things to do, he’d have to get up. If someone made Bang Chan get up this morning, Jisung would kill someone. 

“Yeah, manager-nim called Woojin-hyung and said to let you sleep or there’d be hell to pay. Or something… But I could hear you from outside the door, so I let myself in for the warmth.” Hyunjin gave a breathy sigh as he felt Felix’s lips on his forehead, body melting further into the mattress and the younger’s chest. Chan’s eyes grew heavy once again as the door opened a second time. He didn’t try to keep his eyes open, just hummed a greeting. Changbin mumbled something back before laying at the patch on the edge of the bed, curling around Chan’s bicep. 

“I wanna be part of the cuddle pile,” he grumbled, and Chan was sure his bottom lip was sticking out. 

“Welcome, Binnie-hyung,” Jisung sang quietly, letting his hand fall and run through Changbin’s hair. 

Changbin pushed into Jisung’s hand, making a pleased noise at the gentle ministrations. “Woojin-hyung said breakfast will be ready in a little, and everyone but hyung has gotta get up. Hyung has to sleep.”

“Me ‘hyung’?” Chan slurred. Changbin hummed. “He should’a woken me, I can help.”

“You can  _ also  _ sleep. Now go visit Sandman and don’t wake up til noon,” Seungmin sighed from the door frame. Chan hummed, voice quiet as his breathing evened out after a few minutes. 

“Felix, can we talk?” Seungmin asked quietly. 

Felix looked down at the half- asleep Hyunjin on his chest before looking at Seungmin, biting his lip. “Well--” he tried to shift away, but Hyunjin pressed further into Felix’s chest. “I’m not sure how--”

Seungmin laughed lightly. “Talk with me before breakfast, then.” Felix nodded, looking apologetic. Seungmin waved a hand before moving over to the bed. He was glad, at the very least, that it didn’t seem to be something wrong with Seungmin. He dropped a kiss to Jisung’s cheek when it was presented to him and ran his fingers through Changbin’s hair slowly. “I’m really glad we got the day off,” he admitted, “it was getting hard to make it through the day.” Felix felt his heart ache at the thought of their sunshine fading. “I think we’re planning a date day. Purely splurging and vegging out. That’s what Woojin and Minho-hyung are making it sound like, at least.”

Jisung hummed. “Where’s Jeongin?” 

“Bed. He isn’t feeling well. I think this comeback is really draining him. I don’t think he would have made it through the day standing if we’d kept the schedule,” Changbin murmured. Jisung tsk’d. 

“Well, whomever got us the day off… they better fucking feel good because they just saved two people from  _ dying _ ,” Jisung sighed in an exaggerated manner. 

“Yeah,” Hyunjin grumbled against Felix’s heartbeat, “props to the love of my life, a.k.a the one that talked to manager-nim. He’s terrifying. I dunno why he doesn’t just say it was him. Like, let us cuddle and coddle you, fucker.”

Seungmin hummed, staring straight at Felix with genuine eyes. “Maybe he doesn’t tell us because he doesn’t want to make it a big deal; he just wanted to help us out, he wasn’t looking for recognition.”

Felix averted his eyes. “Yeah, maybe he doesn’t want us to look at him differently or think he just wanted to get out of work.”

“Kids,” Woojin announced, peaking into the room, “breakfast. Try not to wake Chan, yeah?”

Seungmin nodded. “We’ll be there in a minute,” Seungmin promised, smiling brightly. Woojin returned the gesture before slipping out of the room. 

Jisung nudged Changbin away, and the older complied rather easily so Jisung was careful in getting if Chan’s chest, hoping he wouldn’t wake. Hyunjin came next, though more reluctant, and crawled off the bed by slipping off the foot of it; then, Felix did the same, catching Seungmin by the waist and planting a soft kiss to Seungmin’s warm lips. The hyungs left without Felix and Seungmin, leaving only them and the sleeping Chan in the room. Seungmin wrapped his arms around Felix tightly, hiding his face in Felix’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Felix,” Seungmin whispered, “really.”

Felix made a noise in the back of his throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, honestly,” he denied, but he squeezed Seungmin closer.

“Jeongin is the one who figured it out. He wants to see you, but he couldn’t get out of bed. I think he’ll be in the living room for breakfast, though,” Seungmin mumbled. Felix nodded, swaying them both side to side gently. “But… we don’t need to get breakfast just yet,” he sighed, stepping closer. Felix dropped a lingering kiss to Seungmin’s forehead, his own face lighting up at the way Seungmin’s expression brightened at the affection.

“I love you, Sunshine,” Felix whispered, this time bending to capture Seungmin’s lips. Seungmin hummed before pulling away.

“I love you, too, Lix. Breakfast.” Felix nodded and they exited together. 

Jeongin barreled into Felix the moment Chan’s door closed and Felix let out a pained  _ “oof!” _ as he compensated for the sudden collision. Jeongin was wrapped tightly around Felix’s waist, ankles locked behind Felix’s back. Felix’s arms instinctually wrapped around their maknae. 

“Hey, Innie,” Felix sang in Jeongin’s ear, “I heard you weren’t feeling well.”

Jeongin tightened his grip like a python, head buried firmly in the crook of Felix’s neck. “Thank you, hyunggie,” Jeongin said into the older’s shoulder, “really, really thank you.” His voice was thick and Felix could hear the tears. 

He shushed the younger gently, hands coming to brace under his bum as Jeongin made no move to get down. He rocked the younger lightly, just as he was taught to rock his little niece when she was upset. “Hey, you’re okay, Jeongin, everything worked out. We don’t want you to make yourself sick; just breathe for me, baby,” Felix comforted. Seungmin  leaned forward to place a soft kiss to Jeongin’s temple before walking off to the kitchen. 

Jeongin nodded into Felix shoulder even as his hiccupped breaths didn’t calm much. Felix worked him down from the emotional high to a more stable ground, but Jeongin still didn’t detach himself. 

“Did you eat breakfast already?” Felix inquired in a gentle tone. Jeongin shook his head. “Okay, well, why don’t we go get breakfast? You can stay on my lap or you can sit next to me, but you need to eat something. I’ve noticed you give away half your plate and then only eat half of  _ that _ . That isn’t healthy. So you need to eat a full plate.” Jeongin nodded. “Good,” Felix praised, “I’m so proud of you for being able to get out of bed.”

* * *

 

Hyunjin cooed at Minho, playfully pulling at his cheek, only for Minho to scowl and swat away Hyunjin’s hand. He’s was definitely more awake than he had been, Hyunjin that is, and he was utilizing that liveliness into evoking a reaction from Minho who was  _ not _ the most awake. Minho had come behind Woojin, hooking his chin over the eldest’s shoulder to compliment his cooking skills and Hyunjin had taken the liberty of teasing Minho for the affection in his voice. 

Minho, after too long of being teased and a restless night’s sleep, finally snapped at Hyunjin, telling him to stop. Hyunjin shrank back, nodding as he watched the fire blaze in Minho’s eyes. Hyunjin stayed silent as Minho continued his conversation with Changbin across the table, not realizing the way Hyunjin’s half of the table had gone silent at the rather aggressive outburst. 

Hyunjin kept his eyes on his plate, picking at the food with his chopsticks and avoiding the looks of his members, his boyfriends. Minho looked over as his and Changbin’s conversation lulled, noticing the almost-solemn atmosphere of the left side of the table. Minho looked confused at the expressions of the table, especially of Seungmin who looked incredibly disappointed in him. Then it clicked. He’d snapped at Hyunjin.

Minho hesitated before reaching out and calling the younger’s name. Hyunjin flinched at the movement, curling further into himself. “Hyunjin, baby, hold on. I shouldn’t have snapped at you, you didn’t do anything wrong. I had a shitty night, but that doesn’t mean I can take it out on you. Baby, I’m so sorry,” Minho pleaded, dread filling his gut. Minho didn’t want to become Hyunjin’s ghost. He didn’t want Hyunjin to flinch every time he reached for the younger. They’d gotten over that not long ago and to think that may have potentially reverted their relationship back to that--

Hyunjin nodded but stood, leaving his plate as he walked out the kitchen a little too quickly for casually leaving. Minho felt the anxiety pile on top of everything else as he stood. Changbin caught his arm before he could take off. Minho looked down and Changbin shook his head. Minho slowly sat, watching the door as though that could magically make Hyunjin come running back with a “Gotcha!” but he didn’t.

Woojin left the room after dropping a kiss to Minho’s forehead with a whispered, “ _ It’ll be okay, just give him some time. _ ”

Hyunjin was in his room, on Woojin’s bed with Woojin’s hoody on and Woojin’s overly large comforter wrapped around him. He was crying. Woojin tapped on the doorframe twice before stepping in and closing the door behind himself. He walked over to the bed, making a lot of noise in his steps so Hyunjin could hear how close he was. When Woojin was at the edge of the bed, Hyunjin uncurled himself, edges of the comforter gripped in either hand as he exposed his middle-- an invitation for Woojin.

Woojin slipped into the offered space before adjusting Hyunjin into his lap and closing up the comforter nest. 

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin whispered. “I didn’t mean to flinch. I didn’t mean to overreact.” His voice broke with tears and his shoulders shook harshly. 

Woojin shushed him gently, pulling the smaller boy into his chest more firmly. Hyunjin let his head fall back, vulnerable as he left his neck exposed. “You didn’t overreact and it’s okay that you flinched. Minho should have been more conscious of what he was doing. He knows that if he had just asked for you to stop you would have.”

Hyunjin took in a shuddering breath, squeezing Woojin’s arms around his torso tighter against himself. Woojin held him tighter, rocking them just the slightest bit side to side. 

“I don’t want to be like this, hyung. I don’t want to flinch every time someone yells at me. I’m so tired of it!” he cried, thrashing slightly in the older’s hold. 

“I know, I know,” Woojin placated softly, “I know, baby, I know, shh, take a deep breath, good. You’re doing great, baby. Now listen. You’ve come so far. Everything’s going to be alright, it’s going to be okay. It takes a while to unwire four years of conditioning, baby, but you’ve got eight people who love you very much and we all want to see you succeed. Just take a deep breath; in and out, good.” Woojin breathed with him again, again, again, until Hyunjin’s breathing had calmed, though there was the occasional teary hiccup. 

“See? You’re doing so well. Your brain is being put into a fight or flight urge and sometimes there isn’t a way to diffuse the urge, but sometimes there is. And you’ve gotten so good at dismissing those urges. It’s okay to mess up, it’s  _ okay, baby _ .” Woojin brought his hands higher, placing them over Hyunjin’s heart. “It’s okay because this is still beating, it’s still working, and you’re breathing and you’re feeling. It’s okay because you can pick yourself up. Baby, sometimes you just need to breathe and it’s okay to take a minute.”

Hyunjin nodded before turning in Woojin’s arms and curling into the eldest’s chest. “I love you, hyung” he mumbled, a hand going to grip Woojin’s shirt (for self-comfort, Woojin noted), “thank you for being here for me.” Woojin stayed silent, cradling his baby to his chest, one arm around his torso and the other cradling Hyunjin’s head gently to his chest. Right over Woojin’s heartbeat. That’s where Hyunjin had laid his head. Woojin felt his heart ache. 

* * *

 

It was a good hour before Hyunjin and Woojin left their room. Hyunjin headed immediately into Minho’s arms, the older not seeing him until Hyunjin was in front of him. Immediately, Minho opened his arms, embrace tight as he mumbled a stream of apologies in Hyunjin’s ear.

“It’s okay, hyung, I’m okay, really,” Hyunjin mumbled. The younger pulled away slightly to place a soft kiss to Minho’s lips and Minho melted, bodying relaxing on instinct as Hyunjin let his hands wander into the older’s hair. Hyunjin pulled away slowly, smiling, and Minho couldn’t help the grin that was also on his face. 

“My beautiful Hyunjinnie,” Minho breathed, reaching up to run gentle fingers through Hyunjin’s soft hair. “What would I ever do without you?” He pulled Hyunjin back down into his chest with a feather-like touch and Hyunjin let out a relaxed breath, collapsing into Minho and laying his head on Minho’s shoulder.

Minho cooed, securing the younger by the waist. “My baby’s tired himself out,” Minho sang playfully. Hyunjin just nodded into Minho’s shoulder, making Minho laugh. “Well, why don’t you rest, baby? Minho’s here, I’ll keep you safe and warm.” Hyunjin nodded again, breath evening out quite quickly. Minho could feel his warm breath against his neck and felt eyes on him.

“You’ve both grown so much,” Chan commented in a quiet, tired voice, sprawled long-ways over the couch. Minho hummed absently as he focused on the man in his arms. Woojin rounded the couch and Chan made room for the living teddy bear before falling back onto the eldest’s broad chest. 

“So have you, Chan. We all have,” Woojin said, leaning down to place a kiss against Chan’s temple. Chan rolled to his side and pulled his legs in so he was smaller as Woojin held him. Protection. Chan was trying to protect himself. From what?

Woojin looked down at the man in his arms. “Channie, is something wrong?” Chan shook his head and let his eyes close. “Chan,” Woojin admonished, “you need to talk to us if something is wrong,”

Chan shook his head. “Nothing is wrong, really, it’s just--” Chan hummed, curling even smaller. “Something smelled like eucalyptus. It just-- It reminded me of home--my  _ old _ home.” Woojin made a noise of understanding as he held Chan tighter.

“Do you miss it much?” Changbin asked from where he was leaning against the wall. Chan looked startled to see him there, but he let a soft smile grace his lips. 

“Not so much now. I don’t have much there any more. But sometimes… sometimes I wish I could go back there… with all of you. I wish I could share with all of you my past,” Chan explained quietly. Changbin nodded and came further into the room, lifting Chan’s legs and placing them on his lap so he had a place to sit.

“Do you…” Suddenly, Changbin voice turned small, insecure, eyes glazing over Felix and Seungmin’s presence at the kitchen table. “Do you think Felix would rather be there than here?”

“No,” came a reply, voice deep and sure. Changbin’s eyes snapped to the speaker. “Yeah, I’m homesick a lot and, yeah, maybe I would like to go home sometimes, but you boys are here and that’s all I need to stay.”

Chanbin nodded, curling into himself slightly and Seungmin made a small noise standing and walking to the back of the sofa, pulling Changbin’s head into his chest, leaving soft kisses to his hair and forehead as he cradled Changbin gently. 

“I know I rag on you a lot,” Seungmin whispered, “but I hope you never forget that all eight of us would give up everything for you in an instant. Every one of us.”

Changbin gave a shaky breath, nodding. Felix, then, stood as well, and walked over, crouching on front of Changbin and resting a hand on his knee in comfort. “Yeah. I love you so much. Hyung. You shouldn’t ever worry about whether or not I would choose you over Australia or not because the answer will always be you.”

“Yeah,” Seungmin agreed absently. “He wouldn’t have called Manager-nim if he didn’t absolutely love us.”

Felix’s eyes widened, as his eyes locked with Seungmin surprise and betrayal filling them. Seungmin slapped a hand over his mouth, surprise coating his expression. He had  _ not _ meant to reveal Felix like that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: blood, self-hate, injuries, insecurity  
> My selfesteme is #shitty so we going [airplane emoji] projecting onto these boys  
> Also, what the hell are you guys doing?? Don't you have something better to be reading??? Like this is shit, how the fuck did I get 65 kudos????

“Lix?” Jisung asked groggily from the hallway, hand interlocked with Jeongin’s as the noise made Hyunjin wake up as well. “You’re the one that called Manager-nim?”

“ _ No _ ,” Felix denied quickly. “I don’t know who called him.”

“Lix,” Seungmin tried, reaching past Changbin. 

Felix shook his head, standing. “It wasn’t me. I don’t know who called him.”

“Felix,  _ why  _ are you so afraid of this?” Seungmin asked, desperate as his eyes shone with hurt. “You called the manager and cut stress out of all of our lives. Every single one of us were being drained of our passion and you gave us a break. You gave Woojin-hyung time to cook and clean and Chan-hyung time to sleep and not be the company’s fucking  _ lap dog _ ; you gave Changbin-hyung the reassurance of your love for him; you gave Minho-hyung room to breathe and love and  _ be _ loved. 

“You gave Hyunjin time to rest and cry and heal. He’s been  _ suffering _ so terribly and we couldn’t do shit to help him, but you gave it to him. You gave Jisung time to sleep and see Chan-hyung okay and not suffering, gave him air. You gave me a break from the stress and building hate in my mind. I can promise you that if we did not get the day off today, I would have had an entire meltdown and Jeongin would have been in the damn hospital by noon tomorrow. So what the hell are you so afraid of that you are so adamantly denying your gift to all of us? 

“We are your lovers! Even if this decision to convince the managers would have been completely selfish, which we know it  _ wasn’t _ because you never do  _ anything _ to benefit yourself, do you think so poorly of us that you think we’d-- what? Hate you? Be angry? Look at you like you’re inferior? What are you so damn afraid of Lee Felix!”

By the end of it, Seungmin was yelling, eyes ablaze and breaths labored. Felix stood as Seungmin’s words finished, eyes mute of emotion and breathing harsh as he bolted past Jisung and Jeongin harshly. He locked himself in the bathroom and turned on the shower as well as the sink. The noise from the shower was soothing and it blocked out the noise from outside the bathroom as he tried to ground himself with the icy water from the faucet. 

A knock hard enough to be heard over the water made Felix jump, the back of his hand hitting the edge of the spout and ripping skin over three of his knuckles. He didn’t feel the pain of the injury, just shaking his head as he wrapped a towelette around his hand and turned off the shower. 

“Who is it?” he asked, hand still poised over the shower knob.

“Felix,” Minho’s voice sounded, his tone gentle, “baby, can you please open the door for me?”

Felix turned back on the shower, heart aching as he shut Minho out. But he couldn’t. Couldn’t try to do this right now. Any of this. He didn’t want the others to know, didn’t want them to look at him differently be it positive or negative. He sank to his knees.

A few second passed before the same rhythm of knocks sounded again and Felix shut the water off once again. “What?”

“Sweetheart,” Minho tried again, “we don’t need to talk about what happened in the living room, but I’d really appreciate it if you could let me in.”

Let him in. Physically. Emotionally. 

Felix was scared.

“Are you alone?”

“Yes, baby, everyone else is still in the living room.”

Felix was still on his knees when he unlocked the door and closed it behind Minho, lock clicking back. Felix didn’t look at him, didn’t move his eyes from the door, but Minho crouched down next to him. 

“What did you do to your hand?” Minho whispered, using gentle fingers to guide the rag-covered hand to his lap. Unwrapping the dark towelette, Minho frowned at the missing and scraped skin of the back of his hand. “Did this just happen?”

“I accidently hit it on the spout and it ripped my hand up,” Felix replied, trying to take away the hand he could now feel was stinging. Minho, however, kept his grip on the hand, reaching about them to grab the first aid kit and bring it to his side. He cleaned and bandaged the wound carefully before placing a light kiss to his fingers.

Minho pulled Felix into his chest tightly, placing a sincere kiss to the younger’s temple. “Can I ask what all that was about, baby?” he whispered, cradling the younger’s head to the crook of his neck and wrapping other arm around his hip. Felix’s good hand curled around Minho’s wrist holding his head as his body began to shake. 

“What’s the point of you all knowing? It’d only bring attention to myself,” he grumbled, feeling achingly insecure in Minho’s arms. “I don’t belong here, hyung. I don’t belong anywhere. Not Australia or with my family or here.”

“You  _ do _ belong here, Felix. Are we making it feel like you don’t?” he asked, fearing the answer.

Felix shook his head. “N-Not like that.”

“Then how?”

Felix shook his head. Closed Minho out. Closed out the only other person who knew what it felt like to be strung along during the eliminations. Closed out his lover.

“Lee Felix, I need to understand what you’re feeling in order to help you. Please, tell me what you mean,” Minho tried, voice more stern as he tried to get through to the younger.

Felix maneuvered himself out of Minho’s hold, keeping his eyes averted. “It really isn’t important-- Can I please be alone now?” he murmured, curling into himself as his voice was void of emotion. The wall was solidifying.

“Absolutely not, Lee Felix,” Minho demanded, voice strong, leaving no room for argument. “We are going to talk about this and work this out. Because despite what you think, you’re important and this matters.”

“There isn’t anything to talk about.”

“Yes there  _ fucking _ is! You panicked when Seungmin told everyone you were the one who called Manager-nim and then I come in here and you tell me you don’t belong anywhere! If it were me or any of the other boys, would you not worry?” he tried, voice desperate.

“I’m not the other,” he growled, eyes angry. “I’m not the others. I’m not good enough to be in Stray Kids. JYP should have just eliminated me and been done with it!”

“Who is feeding you these lies? What is happening that you believe all of this?” 

Felix’s eyes, ablazed and pained, locked with Minho’s. He reverted to his mother tongue and Minho was glad he understood English fluently even if he couldn’t speak it. “I have eyes and ears. I see the comments and I know what my parents say. I’m  _ not  _ good enough; I’m not talented enough; I can’t sing as well as the others or rap as well as the others or speak Korean well; I’m selfish and everything I do is worthless.” He was crying now, hot tears rolling down his cheeks in a constant stream of fire.

“Nothing ever comes from my presence! I am excess! I’m the leftovers! I’m not meant to be here! I’m not meant to be back in Australia; all I would do is weigh my friends back there down as well. I’m not meant to be with my parent; all I ever do is hurt them and drain them of their energy and money and make them work harder and pay more. I don’t belong here! I don’t belong with the eight of you. I’m not good enough or happy enough or talented enough or bright enough or funny enough or pretty enough or unique enough. I’m not a fit for Stray Kids! 

“I can hear what my parents say and I can see the comments on social media. I’m not an idiot, as much as it might surprise you or my parents or those people who comment. I already  _ know _ I don’t belong, but this is just too much. I didn’t want any of you to know because I didn’t want excess attention called to me or be seen as if I was trying to suck up to you all or like I was trying to get out of work or anything like that because I’m  _ not _ but who would ever believe me anyway?” He finished, breathing heavily as the anger drained from his eyes and he was left with resigned pain and long-standing pain, turning away from Minho’s invasive eyes.

Minho grabbed Felix’s chin with just enough of a grip that Felix would actually follow his hand. “We’re going to clear this up right now, Lee Felix, and you are going to listen to me. Your parents are fucking liars and those so called ‘fans’ aren’t worth shit because that’s all they are. Fans. I understand that the fans are why we’re here and why we do this, but at the end of the day-- the people who truly know you are in this dorm and those outside of this dorm don’t bear any weight on your soul because they don’t know you. They know a media-construct of the magnificent Lee Felix, only a fraction of the beauty you hold and if they can’t recognize that then it’s their damn loss. And, yeah, it fucking sucks to be talked shit about, I’m not denying that, but JYP can suck it and so can the people who think they own your ass and can control you. 

“And as for the useless part. Lix, have you seen yourself? I mean really seen yourself. Not from your parents’ eyes and not from the fan’s eyes. From the eyes of people who love and know you. You’ve come so far in your Korean! You’re an amazing dancer, you’ve got the voice of an angel, and you can rap like a fucking badass. Look me in the eyes, Felix, and try to tell me I give out fluff compliments that aren’t true.”

Felix couldn’t say anything. Lee Minho did not just compliment people. He gave praise only in circumstances of complete truth and it usually had something they could fix attached to it, but meaningless praise was not something Minho participated in. 

“Yeah, you have things that can be expanded upon, but so does everyone else in this God-forsaken world! You’ve got eight lovers who would first watch their lives burn than watch it happen to you. Eight people. You can’t really tell me that  _ eight people _ would give their lives for  _ leftovers, _ as you claim. Do you really think that eight people would love you so sincerely if you were a piece of shit? Because I can tell you right now, Kim Seungmin would not spare you a greeting if you were a waste of space or lazy and Yang Jeongin would not stand to be in your presence if you were as  _ selfish _ as you claim to be.

“When was the last time you’ve done something for yourself, Felix? When was the last time you bought yourself a plush and not someone else one as well, or food without getting the others some too? Said ‘no’ to running an errand or going out with someone? Said ‘no’ to cuddling or affection even though you didn’t feel comfortable with people that day? When was the last time you took a moment for yourself? Last night, why did you bring Chan-hyung home? Because Chan was overworking himself and Jisung was worried. So what did you do? You told Jisung to relax, that you would take care of it so he didn’t have to go out into the cold and risk getting sick. Tell me: how are you selfish?

“You aren’t even twenty yet, Felix! You’re still a teenager! You should be out laughing and messing around with other teens but instead you’re trying to take on the weight of the world and fix everyone’s problems! But you can’t do that if you can’t first take care of yourself. And what haven’t you been doing? You berated Jeongin for not eating as much as he should lately, but what about you? When we don’t have enough for seconds at the table, who gives their food to Jisunggie or Jeongin or Changbin? It isn’t Woojin and it sure as hell isn’t me. It’s the boy who loves food almost as much as he loves us but he’d starve if it meant we got our fill. 

“And if JYP should have kept you out then he should have kept me out, too, because I was gone first which means obviously means that I’m even ‘less talented’ and even more of a ‘waste of space’ than you are!”

“ _ No! _ ” Felix cut in quickly. “No! You didn’t deserve to be eliminated! It wasn’t fair! You aren’t a rapper, it was rigged against you and JYP was just trying to get views!” Felix corrected desperately, clinging to Minho’s hands.

“ _ Then why can’t you see that it’s the same for you, damn it! _ It was rigged against you as well! He just! Wanted! Views! So why the fuck is it okay for you to think of yourself this way, but the moment it’s me, you’re ready to cut a bitch!” Felix began to sob and pulling himself into Minho’s chest, so Minho held him tight. 

His voice became soft, pleading. “What makes Lee Felix, with stars in his eyes and galaxies on his cheeks, so much less? What makes Lee Felix, with the speaking voice of an Ancient God and the singing voice of a cherub, so inferior? What make Lee Felix, our little Lix, our little baby, our little Yongbok, our little light, our baby boy, our sweet angel, our one and only Felix so terrible and disgusting? Because I can promise you that the people in this dorm only see a talented, loving, selfless, angel that does nothing but brighten our days and make us smile and laugh.”

Minho kept peppering kisses to Felix’s head. “And I  _ know _ one conversation isn’t going to be a fix all end all, but damn, Felix, you can’t just keep this shit in! Because then it blows up, and you’ll do the same thing Chan-hyung did. And none of us could ever bear to see our little Lix in the hospital.” Minho voice broke at the end, eyes shutting tightly as he held his angel tighter. “Are you hearing me in that head of your, Lix? Please tell me you’re not shutting me out, baby,” he cried, trying to keep himself calm.

Felix pulled away to wipe at Minho’s tears as he nodded. “I’m listening, hyung, I’m here,” he whispered, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss against Minho’s soft lips. He gave a small, cracked smile. “And… I’ll try to come to you about this and not keep it in. I don’t know how well it will go, but…”

“It means more than enough that you’re willing to try,” Minho replied, nodding. He pulled Felix back into him for a few more second before letting him go and taking in a deep breath. “So. What do you say? Ready to face the others now?”

Felix nodded and Minho smiled, helping the younger to his feet and unlocking the door. “Then let’s go, angel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Disappear without a word? More likely than you think.  
> I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but my computer broke so I've had fragments of time to write/post when my sister lets me use her computer. Anyway, I love you all! Stay Beautiful

Felix got close to the living room, could hear them all talking, and he froze. “You know, on second thought, I could always talk to them--later,” he excused, trying to back away.

Minho caught him around the waist and pulled the younger into his chest. “They’ll understand, Lix, it’s okay. It’s time to breathe now,” Minho soothed, rubbing up and down Felix’s back. Felix sighed into Minho’s shoulder before nodding and pulling away.

Minho held Felix’s hand as they walked back into the living room, Felix’s head bowed as he walked over to Seungmin and hugged him. Seungmin wrapped his arms around his lover and placed a kiss to his forehead. His arms curled, warm, around Felix’s small waist, could feel the older’s warmth seep through the thin fabric of their shirts. It felt nice to hold him like this, but it als hurt his heart that Felix could forgive and forget so easily. It was ingrained into him, like common commands ingrained into a dog.

“I’m sorry I pushed you; I shouldn’t have reacted that way when you were already clearly upset,” Seungmin apologized, swaying them slightly. The steadiness that came with the action calmed Felix, Seungmin knew after one too many nights of holding Felix after a nightmare left him frightened.

Felix shook his head. “No, I was overreacting and shouldn’t have run off like that. I’m so sorry.” Tears pricked at his eyes and he squeezed them shut tighter, curling his face into Seungmin’s neck as he took in a gasping breath. Seungmin let him, ignoring the wet that covered his neck and slipped down his chest and back. He didn’t care, he just wanted his Felix to understand that it would all be okay. “Please don’t hate me, I’m sorry.”

Seungmin shushed him gently, petting his hair. “I don’t hate you, baby, I could never. My little angel, Lixie, I could never ever hate you. It’s okay, we’re okay, just breathe,” he coaxed. 

Felix nodded into his shoulder, over and over as his hold on Seungmin tightened and his shoulders loosened. He calmed. Seungmin pulled back slightly, brushing tears away gently before leaning in for a soft kiss, Felix immediately reciprocating. Seungmin kept it gentle even as Felix tried to press on, trying to convey the love he held for his little Aussie, his angel. He whispered ‘ _ I love you _ ’s and ‘ _ It’s okay, it’ll be okay _ ’s in his movements, prayed that Felix could feel summer and warmth in the kiss, protection and safety, hoped his little Lixie could hear his heart crying out for him, loving and kind. Finally, though, he pulled away, and Felix’s eyes stayed closed, breathing easy as he let the moment live on for a bit longer. Seungmin rubbed his thumb over the apple of his cheek, smiling gently as Felix finally did open his eyes. 

“Okay?” he asked, looking Felix straight in the eyes-- there wasn’t the dead, cold look that had been in his eyes when he’d run off-- there was life and pain in those eyes now. ‘Okay’ meant so many things… Are you okay? Are we okay? Were my actions okay? Is this what you wanted? Will everything be okay?

Felix nodded. “Getting there, yeah.” Seungmin nodded back, cradling the back of his neck. 

 

“I didn’t realize,” Felix began absently after they’d all settled down, piled on the two couches pushed together to create a cradle, “that a home could feel so warm, that I wouldn’t need to walk on eggshells. Thank you all. I love all of you.” Hyunjin curled tighter around Felix’s waist as they all returned the affection. Hyunjin tried to keep his breathing steady and the attention on Felix.

Hyunjin couldn’t do it.

He began to cry. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed into Felix’s lap. Felix looked startled, looking down at him.

“Hyunjinnie?” Felix asked quietly. “Hyunjinnie, what’s wrong?”

“Why did you have to get hurt? Why you?” he coughed, emotions clogging his throat. So many things were wrong and if his eyes had been opened, he was sure he wouldn’t have been able to see straight. Why was it always the kindest, the brightest, that get burned? “You don’t deserve it, but still you’ve been hurt and lied to and burned and I  _ hate it _ . I hate seeing the hurt reflected in your eyes. Lixie, you didn’t deserve it-- any of it-- and yet--” He curled further into Felix’s lap, hiding himself.

“Hyunjin,” Felix cut in softly, brows furrowed as he rubbed Hyunjin’s back, “it’s okay. You don’t need to be upset, I promise. I’m okay, we’re all okay.”

Chan spoke to Jeongin with quiet words before taking his place next to the crying boy. “Jinnie, sweetheart, what brought this about so suddenly?” he asked gently, rubbing Hyunjin’s lower back. While he’d been a bit more tense than usual on the days following their return from the airport, Hyunjin hadn’t seemed off. Chan hadn’t thought he’d need to watch Hyunjin too closely, so what brought this on so suddenly?

“I don’t want him to hurt,” he whispered, voice muffled in Felix’s thigh, “I don’t want any of you to hurt.”

“We’re all right here, baby, we’re all safe,” Chan told him softly. It seemed to half-click. Almost like a separation anxiety, Hyunjin always worried if one of them were gone too long, especially at night, always freaked when fans got too close to one of his lovers at the airports, constantly just wanted to be next to them, in sight and easily accessible. So then, with that in mind, was it that sort of thing? Was it Hyunjin’s fear acting up? Was it something more? Was this something that had plagued Hyunjin for a while? Felix’s less-than-excellent home life, that is. 

Hyunjin only clung to Felix tighter. Felix shared a worried look with Chan. “Do we need to talk, baby?” Chan soothed. “Is this something more than just the Felix thing?”

“I saw him,” Hyunjin croaked, voice breaking.

“Who?”

“ _ Him _ . He was in the crowd at the airport! He almost grabbed Felix and Jeongin! He was too close, too, too close and--” Hyunjin broke into sobs. Him… The boy Hyunjin used to live with, the one who was supposed to protect Hyunjin, keep him happy and smiling but failed to even provide food for him. The man who abused Hyunjin so badly that for the first few months of living together, Hyunjin couldn’t help but violently flinch any time he made any sort of noise in the dorm, couldn’t stop himself from cowering when someone reached for him too suddenly. 

“He’s gone now. We’ll have staff keep an eye out from now on, okay? He isn’t going to get to you or anyone else, do you hear me? We’re here to keep you safe, and we will do that. We will keep you and everyone else safe,” Chan promised, carding his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair slowly. 

Hyunjin nodded, sniffling as he picked his head up. Woojin handed the younger some tissues and Hyunjin dried his eyes and cleared his nose. He rubbed at his puffy eyes as Woojin took away the tissues to throw them in the trash can next to the couches. “I’m sorry,” he breathed, “it’s just been hard, I guess, trying to keep up with everything.”

“You don’t ever need to apologize for that,” Chanbin said softly, finding Hyunjin hand through a sea of bodies. “It’s okay to feel stuck, and it’s okay to reach out. Ask for help if you need it. You’re more than just a visual, and we all know it, but everyone needs help from time to time and that isn’t something that to be ashamed about. You don’t have to be perfect or invincible or any of these preconceived notions that JYP or whomever fed you. Reach out. We’ll catch you.”

Hyunjin nodded, squeezing his hyung’s hand. He couldn’t do much else, his lungs failing him at the raw emotion in his hyung’s voice. “Yeah,” Jeongin spoke up. “When we were on the show, I had to ask for help all the time with my dancing, and the hyungs didn’t give up even when both they and I got frustrated. Sometimes you need a little boost--or a really big boost, like me-- and that’s okay. We’re here for each other. We’re here for you, hyunggie.” Hyunjin felt tears gather in his eyes, a welcomed sting this time, as he leaned past Chan to place a sweet kiss against the maknae’s lips.

“You’re too wise, Innie. Thank you, baby,” Hyunjin hummed as he pulled away. Jeongin smiled brightly, cheeks flushed a pretty pink. 

Jisung peaked past Changbin’s shoulder, quiet as he watched them comfort Hyunjin, but couldn’t move his lips. He was stuck. Hyunjin, his sweet Hyunjinnie, just kept suffering, kept feeling the repercussions of his toxic past, and it made Jisung feel guilty. His parents supported his wish to become a rapper and idol even before he had gotten into JYP, supported his sexuality, supported his relationship; they gave him love and affection, they were there for every field trip, every play and game and dance. They gave him space and held him close. They texted him  _ ‘I love you, my squirrel, sleep well’ _ every night at eight o’clock. They were still married happily after twenty plus years, and he had only ever seen them fight three times in his life, but even those fights were over relatively quickly. 

He had  _ everything _ growing up and Hyunjin had nothing. He didn’t have parent that supported his dream, didn’t have a boyfriend that respected him before Stray Kids debuted, didn’t get to hear an ‘I love you’ each night before bed. He was never held when he cried, never kissed when he scraped his knee. Hyunjin had nothing and yet he smiled and hid the pain out of habit. Sweet, kind, lovely, loving, beautiful, amazing Hyunjin had suffered so much… Jisung felt guilty. He felt guilty. Han Jisung felt guilty. 

He could only reach past Changbin, hiding his face in the older’s back, and hold his lover’s wrist. He couldn’t look at the scars and pained face and puffy, red eyes. He couldn’t do that because then he would break and all the guilt would come out, and he couldn’t take the attention away from Hyunjin. 

 

Jisung cooed quietly as he watched Chan sleep, the leader clutching Hyunjin’s hand tightly as he slept, curled in on himself as Minho used his waist as a pillow. The nine of them were still in their sofa-cradle, all of them pressed against each other. Chan and Minho slept, Felix and Hyunjin spoke sleepily with each other as the latter rubbed Chan’s hand comfortingly, Changbin and Seungmin played hand games with each other from opposite ends of the couch, Woojin and Jeongin laughed at something on their phones, and Jisung watched. He was content with watching, liked watching, and he cut in when he liked. But for now he wanted to watch. It was much too much to jump around both on and off of camera, and they understood. His lovers let him be subdued as much as they let him bounce off the walls and it was nice. They didn’t have expectations of him, didn’t make him feel bad when he didn’t want to talk or when it took a bit longer to get him out of bed. It was nice. 

He was glad Felix had taken a leap to let them rest. Jisung could feel his energy levels draining from having to be in front of the camera hour after hour, but the dorms were a safe space. The dorms weren’t filmed in-- JYP had given them that at the very least. He gave a quiet, content sigh. Good. He needed this. They all needed this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme   
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic, talk of illness (not main character)  
> Minho n Chan being soft - Hurt/Comfort  
> You're in for a ride so buckle up and yell yeehaw

Minho came crawling to Chan. Literally. He had been on the other side of their shared bedroom, lights off, and he rolled off the bed, ignoring the way his arm hurt after falling off the bottom bunk and crawling over, on all fours, to the edge of Chan’s bed. Chan was already watching Minho, startled by the sudden  _ thwump! _ .

“Hyung?” Minho whispered tentatively, voice shaking just the slightest bit. 

“I'm right here, baby. Why don't you come up here?” Chan coaxed, sotto voce. Minho followed Chan's directions, sitting on the bed with his feet tucked under him, ankles crossed, and head down. “Take all the time you need, Minho, we've got all night.”

“Can I--?” Minho hesitated, hands fidgeting before he stuck them between his thighs and clamped down to stop the erratic movements-- it was only making him more anxious. “Would it be alright if--? Could I listen to your heartbeat?” His question came out almost too soft for Chan to hear, but years of working with music made this kind of this easier. 

He clamped down on the surprise at such a sudden request. “Y-Yeah, kitten, of course,” he stuttered out. “What do you need me to do?”

Minho's shoulders drained of most of their tension, and he requested, “Just lay down on your back normally, that's all.” 

“Under the covers?”

Minho nodded, so Chan peeled them far enough back that Minho could easily slip in when he wanted, lying down. Minho got under the covers quickly after Chan, lying his ear over Chan's heart, one hand over Chan's belly as well.  _ Thump… thump… thump _ … The mantra was steady and Minho's eyes filled with tears as he tried to choke back a sob-- it didn't work and the tears came in a flood, Minho trying to find a breath in between teary hiccups and steady heartbeats. 

Chan rubbed his back gently, curling around him protectively and rhythmically shushed as he tried to calm the younger. “Breathe for me, kitten. Come on, in and out, like we always practice.” Minho's inhales were stuttered and his exhales were rushed for the first few breaths, but it became smoother and his tears calmed almost all the way. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Chan asked after a long while. 

“My baby brother,” Minho whispered. “My baby brother used to be really ill-- like, he didn't leave the hospital for four straight years. He was nine when he was first admitted. I'd spend… every visiting hour with him, talking and doing my homework as if nothing were wrong, as if he wasn't  _ dying _ before my  _ eyes _ \--and he really, truly was. He was supposed to have died within months of entering the hospital, then it became he had two years, then three, then four, then--!” He choked on a sob and pressed closer to Chan. 

“And when I was scared for my baby brother, scared he would die while I wasn't there, while I took a nap next to him after school because there was no sleep at night-- when I was afraid for my brother's health and crying or distressed or sometimes when he just  _ knew _ , he'd call me over and ask me to lay with him. Asked if I could lay on his chest because the weight helped him breathe. And I'd do it every time. And he would move my hand so it was on his stomach--” Minho's hand spasmed where it rested over Chan's middle-- “and we'd sit in silence for a while, sometimes, sometimes he began to talk. He said to listen to heart. It was still beating. It wasn't faint or fading. He said to feel his breathing in the movement of his stomach and chest. He'd assure me he was still breathing, that it was steady and he wasn't leaving until God pried his life from his hands.” Minho turned his face, burying it fully in his chest. 

“I-I went home after the elimination, stayed the weekend at the house, and my baby brother told me to lay on his chest. And he did the same thing he'd done in the hospital. I listened to his heartbeat for hours because each time he asked if I was okay enough to move, I said ‘no.’ And then he'd say nothing, just held me tighter--” The tears turned into full sobbing. “I didn't realized how much a heartbeat calmed  me-- I didn't realize until I was hugging my pillow and wondering why it felt wrong, why there wasn't a heartbeat. I-I need a heartbeat right now, hyung, please,  _ please _ , be my heartbeat--” 

“I'm here,” Chan whispered, countering Minho's frantic pleas. Minho was silenced except for his ragged breathing. “Baby, I'll be your heartbeat always. Anytime you need me, come to me, it's okay. It's beating for you, kitten, and it'll keep beating for a long time. Just like your brother, my heartbeat won't falter. Any time, day or night, no matter the hour or what I'm doing, I will stop and be your heartbeat. Listen to it. Do you hear it? Can you pick up the difference in the blood coming and going? Can you feel each beat? Can you count them? They're there, I'm here, it's going to be okay even if you feel like it isn't now.” 

Minho nodded into his chest, entire body shaking with emotion and his sobs suddenly became that of a small child. Loud and raw, he cried, not hiding the sound each sob ripped out of him. He let his voice be heard, raw as hiccups cut off one sound and let to another. He fidgeted as he sobbed, emotions too much in his much too small body so he tried to release them as best as he could, some of that coming out in squirming and wriggling against a solid rock, and beacon of light. And maybe he kicked his feet like a child throwing a tantrum and rubbed his face into Chan's shirt with a heavy weight behind it and fisted Chan's shirt, tugging and regripping and tugging and regripping. 

But Chan held it through him. Held him like he hadn't by his parents when his brother had been in the hospital, like he hadn't when he woke up from nightmares and crawled to his parents, like he hadn't when he was eliminated, and Minho cried out his past. He hadn't gotten to cry like this as a child. Hadn't been allowed. But Chan let him. Because Chan understood that sometimes you needed to scream and kick and resist and that people couldn't heal with everything bottled and repressed. He knew Minho needed this more than Chan’s heartbeat, or his brother's, or their breathing. He needed to let go. 

And Chan let him. 

 

They didn't know how much time had passed, didn't care either, but once Minho's tears had been depleted and his breaths had become even, Chan ran a hand through Minho's hair. 

“I know you don't want to get up, kitten, but we need to rehydrate you, okay?” Chan placated. Minho nodded but didn't make to move and Chan laughed. “A few more minutes, then.”

Minho nodded. “Thank you, Channie-hyung, for being there and listening. I-- It really means a lot.” 

“My sweet, sweet love,” Chan sighed affectionately, using his thumb and forefinger to tilt Minho's chin up. “I would do absolutely anything for you. I'd drop anything I'm doing in a heartbeat if you asked. I will always be there for you whether I'm next to you or not.” Minho nodded, lips curling into his mouth as he bit back an emotional noise. “I love you so much, Lee Minho, and I give you the stars if I thought it would make you happy.”

Minho smiled, teary-eyed. “I don't want the stars, hyung. I want you and the others.” Chan bent for a kiss, soft and sweet as Minho melted further into his chest, neck bared with the angle. 

Chan cupped the side of his neck gently, fingers playing with the ends of his hair. They pulled away and Chan smiled at the flush on Minho's cheeks before leaning back in. The kiss wasn't aggressive or heated or filled with lust or anger or jealousy. It was slow, kind, a reminder. Minho's lips were soft, Chan never failed to forget, and he always make a small mewling sound at the beginning of a kiss or sudden physical affection (hence, the nickname kitten). This time wasn't any different, and Chan pulled away, laughing airly. Minho smiled, humming inquiringly. 

“You're so cute, my kitten. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too, hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I write 3000 words of pure emotion? Yee.  
> Do I have any self control? Nah.  
> Is there an excessive amount of analogies? Abso-fuckin-lutely, my dude.  
> Enjoy  
> I FEEL SO BAD OML TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, anxiety, depression, serious talk, talk of suicide???   
> PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I EVER NEED TO ADD TRIGGERS!!!!!

A few hours later, with Minho still resting on his chest, sleepily playing with Chan’s fingers, a dead-looking Changbin came in, climbing into bed with the pair without even really acknowledging them. His eyes were blank as he settled next to Chan, face against the side of his ribs. Just laying there. Minho and Chan frowned down at him, then at each other.

“Changbinnie?” Chan coaxed gently. There was no response-- no flick of the eyes or fidget or noise. Minho reached forward to card through the younger’s hair. 

“Hey, baby,” Minho greeted calmly. Changbin closed his eyes, but there was no other reaction to say he felt or heard him. Was was the issue…? Hadn’t he been fine when they were all in the living room? Had they all really missed something? “Is something wrong?” Again, there was nothing so Minho worriedly glanced at Chan.

Chan nodded. Minho grabbed Changbin’s chin gently to tilt his head up. Changbin kept his eyes closed. But there was a crack, a tremor in his lips, and Minho felt his heart break. “Hey,” Minho tried again gently. “Can I see your eyes?” They shut tighter for a moment before they opened, glossy and almost unfocused. “Thank you. Can you tell us what happened? Is something the matter?” 

Changbin tried to tilt his head away so Minho let him, not wanting to make the younger feel any more uncomfortable or like they weren’t someone he could trust. “Alright. Do you just want us to hold you for now?” 

Changbin’s head barely moved, but Minho was watching. He climbed over the two bodies with the ease of a dancer, laying flat against Changbin. Chan, too, flipped onto his side, facing Changbin and lowering so they were on eye level. Chan made a silly face at Changbin, smiling a little, and Changbin reached, just barely, towards Chan’s hand. Chan gave it freely. 

Minho threw an arm around Changbin, holding his entire upper body, his elbow resting against Changbin’s naval while his fingers rest against a sharp clavicle. The older began slowly placing kisses across Changbin’s shoulder, humming a tune Changbin often listened to when struggling. It was sweet and high, the melody simple, but it flowed well. 

And then, with Chan playing with Changbin’s fingers and placing kiss after kiss to his fingertips and palm and  _ wrist _ , and Minho humming to calm him, he broke. 

Well. 

“Broke” is a drastic word, really. He didn’t ‘break’ quite so much as he ‘released’. Released the river of whatever was bothering him, whatever was holding his head and heart hostage. But it was silent and breathy and his eyes remained closed, forehead scrunched and mouth tense. He didn’t move away or closer, didn’t do anything, really, but his free hand kept jerking just the smallest bit forward.

Chan, taking in the subtle motion and knowing Changbin’s tells, grabbed his other hand and scooted closer. He didn’t hug Changbin or hold Changbin to his chest because that would cause the younger to feel suffocated, trapped, and he’d only turn further into himself. Changbin’s chest heaved and it seemed the only noise that Changbin would make was the accidental sounds that came from him trying to suck in a breath. Minho held Changbin, singing softly into his ear, free hand sifting through the younger’s hair. 

This, just like Minho’s crying, continued on for quite some time, but Changbin had finally seemed to tire himself out, only breathy whispers of tears left. Minho, however, continued to sing until Changbin’s breathing had evened out and his body had fallen back on the older. Chan reached back to the nightstand to grab some tissues and clean Changbin’s face. 

“What do you think that was about?” Minho whispered, frowning.

“I’m really not sure,” Chan admitted. “I thought he was fine this morning. Besides the Felix thing, I didn’t hear or see anything out the usual.” Minho continued to frown, but Chan reached over the sleeping body and rubbed the creases away. “There’s no use in agonizing about it now, kitten. He’ll talk to us when he wakes. For now, we need to go to sleep as well.” Minho nodded. The leader’s word was final. 

 

Minho woke to Changbin trying to stealthily climb out from in between them, sleepily checking the clock that shone behind their still-sleeping leader. 3:21. They didn’t have to be up for another hour… 

“Binnie?” Minho called hoarsely. 

The younger froze, torso half in the air as he tried to get over Chan. “Go back to sleep, hyung. I’m just-- just going to shower.”

Minho rolled his eyes at the lame excuse. “Come on, baby,” Minho soothed, pulling him away from Chan. “I’ll make you some tea.” Changbin closed his eyes, letting out a long, slow breath before nodding and following Minho out of the bed. 

Minho didn’t try to make conversation-- Changbin would do that if he wanted it-- just put a kettle on. He got down the chamomile bags and mugs, and leaned back against the counter-top, arms open for Changbin to accept or reject. He walked forward, falling against Minho’s chest, head turned out, and sighed at the warmth that enveloped him. Minho rubbed his back lightly. 

“Hey, Binnie,” Minho greeted in a quiet voice. “Did you sleep alright between us? We didn’t squish you, huh?”

Changbin shook his head. “No, you were okay. I woke up a little while ago, though. Birds were outside our window.” Minho hummed and the familiar rumble comforted Changbin greatly. “Did you sleep alright? I thought I heard someone crying a while before I came in.”

Minho gave a mini-shrug as to not disrupt Changbin against his chest. “I had a bit of a freak out, but Chan-hyung helped out. I napped off most of the tears from that before you came in, though.” He hummed in response. “I’m really glad you came in, Bin,” Minho said seriously, tilting Changbin’s head up and leaning his head down so they could look at each other. “It was nice being able to hold you in my arms. And whatever was the matter last night, whatever may  _ still _ be the matter… I’m here to listen, and so is everyone else in this family.” Minho place a soft kiss to the younger’s forehead, smiling down at him sweetly. Changbin tilted his head further back and Minho giggled, leaning down to leave a proper kiss. “And you aren’t alone here. Those voices are sirens when they want to be, but sirens can be myths to your brain. You just have to remember there are other voices too, yeah?”

Changbin buried his head into the older’s shoulder. “Since when were  _ you  _ the poet?” he grumbled playfully as the kettle began to whistle. Minho tilted his body to the side just the slightest bit to turn off the fire and take it off the heat. 

“I guess you’re a good influence,” Minho responded flirtily, throwing him a playful wink as they separated. He put in the bags and poured the water, letting the tea seap as he place both mugs in front of a single chair.  He pulled the chair out and sat. Changbin quirked his hip to the side, giving Minho an unimpressed looked. Minho was smug as he shrugged and leaned back in his chair. Changbin shook his head and sat on the older’s lap like he wanted. Minho’s grin was infectious as he wrapped his arms around the lithe body on top of him. 

Changbin twisted his body so his chest was parallel with Minho’s and leaned down, placing a soft, feather-like kiss to his cheek and Minho’s eyes fluttered shut at the intimacy. Changbin’s body relaxed into him, moving to place a similar one to Minho’s lips. 

“You’ve got too much heart, hyung,” Changbin breathed, eyes sad as he pulled away. 

Minho reached up, cupping Changbin’s cheek with a gentleness that only came with years of orbiting around someone. “There’s no such thing as too much heart in this world, baby.”

“Even if it gets you hurt?”

“ _ Especially _ if it gets you hurt.” 

Changbin didn’t understand how Minho could have such an outlook on everything. Had he not cried his lungs out the night before, startling everyone in the apartment? Had he not been eliminated from the show, on the border of hopeless and helpless? Had he not been affected by being called a shadow and worthless, just a backup dancer? Had he not sat there and taken JYP’s unfair criticism and his parent’s disappointment without so much as a negative thought towards any of them? Had he not sat there and been multiple of their punching bags because they were stressed and he was the closest? Had he not tolerated enough bullshit?

“Just because you’ve got a cabbage with a few wilted or torn leaves doesn’t mean you throw out the whole thing,” Minho reasoned. 

“But cabbages will run out of leaves sooner or later if they keep being peeled away for others. Then the cabbage is left with nothing.”

“Other people’s use of a cabbage doesn’t stop it from growing, doesn’t stop it from giving. What’s the good of a cabbage if you just let it sit there and rot? It’s better for the cabbage to be used up and left in the memories of those who treasured it enough to remember it.”

Changbin looked ready to cry. “ _ Hyung _ .”

Minho smiled, brushing the apple of his cheek. “My sweet Changbin, you don’t have to worry about me. The leaves I lose grow back double. How do you think it got so full in the first place? I’ve got eight gentle souls caring for it.”

Changbin’s face scrunched as he leaned forward, wrapping his body around Minho’s and squeezing as tight as he could. Minho hugged back, petting through his hair slowly. Changbin pulled back, grabbing both mugs of coffee and handing one to Minho. 

“I was scared last night,” Changbin admitted through a whisper after a long sip of chamomile. “I started to get this-- I don’t know,  _ cold anxiety _ ? Like, it wasn’t harsh breathing and shaking hands and outward panic, it was-was like all I could do was stay stuck in my mind. The thoughts wouldn’t get out and I couldn’t yell or scream or cry or anything, I just sat there. And then I had this scary thought--” Changbin cut himself off, looking down into the honey-colored liquid before taking another sip. “I thought… If I couldn’t feel anything like this… maybe I could  _ make _ myself feel something.” 

Minho knew to what he was alluding, and thought back to the previous night. Changbin had broken down after Chan had kissed his wrist. His left wrist. His scarred wrist. His healed wrist. The wrist he had almost painted red. 

“And then I got scared.” Changbin trembled and Minho’s hand found its way to his hip in comfort, fingers cool against warm, bare skin. “I’ve been clean since-since Chan-hyung  _ found me _ . And I was about to throw that away. I worked so hard to stay clean and I almost ruined it. I- I got scared. Suddenly I was heading to the bathroom on autopilot and it was so-- _ hard _ to turn away, to find someone, to find you and Chan hyung.” Changbin bit his lip, eyes falling shut as his grip on the cup continued to tighten. 

The hand left his waist. One hand came to rub just under where his teeth bit as the other pulled gently at the tea cup. “Hey,” Minho coaxed, voice its own siren, a siren Changbin wanted to hear sing, “let go of your lip, baby, you’ll hurt yourself.” 

The cup was sat down and Changbin let go of his bottom lip. Minho brushed the hair out of Changbin’s eyes and moved Changbin’s hands to wrap behind his neck. His own hands went one back on the younger’s hip and the other on his jaw. 

“Thank you,” he sang, the familiar lilt comforting. “Now, sweetheart, let’s talk about this because this isn’t something that we can ignore, okay?” Changbin nodded slowly. “Alright. I want to say right off the bat that I am so proud of you. You fought with all you had for what you wanted. And I don’t know if this urge was a result of you or someone or thing else--I don’t, I’m not you-- but I do know that one way or the other, that took an incredible amount of strength and you have just shown yourself that you can overcome your own sirens.”

“But it was you--”

“Who happened to be in the room. We didn’t stop you from hurting yourself. You did. We didn’t take away the weapon. You did. We didn’t fight the urge. You did. The only thing Chan and I did last night was love you because  _ you _ came to us,  _ you _ asked for it,  _ you _ said ‘yes’ when I asked if you needed to be cuddled. It was you, baby. Only you.” Minho paused, searching Changbin’s eyes. He then asked gently, “Do you hear me?”

Changbin nodded, closing his stinging eyes. “I hear you,” he croaked, swallowing thickly. 

“Okay, now for Part B. If you  _ had _ wound up hurting yourself.” Changbin opened his eyes, tilting his head and frowning. “No, don’t give me that face. Hear me out. You said you’ve been clean since Channie-hyung. If you had cut yourself last night like you wanted, I want to let you know that it would not have been the end of everything. No, I don’t want you to cut, I wish you had never had to feel like you needed to in the first place. However, sometimes the world is cruel and we think that it’ll be, I don’t know, an apology? Repentance? Adrenaline rush? Finally feeling something? Finally feeling nothing at all? Everyone is different. But. Had you cut last night, had there been a relapse, that’s all it would have been. A relapse. Not a restart button. Not a reset. Not a square one. You have taken five thousand steps forward, and the ‘if’ of last night would have only been one step back amongst all that land traveled.”

Minho took in a shaky breath, closing his eyes and counting to three. “Listen, Changbin. I’m telling you this because a lot of people think that having themselves relapse makes them weak, but that mentality is just another siren. Finding one pothole in a minefield isn’t the end of everything. Yeah, you have to take time to let your ankle heal, and, yeah, you have to straighten your back, dust off your clothes, and decide to keep going. But it isn’t the end. Hell, it isn’t even the beginning! The hardest part of anything is getting started, and, baby, you’ve been started for years. We can be your map, but you have to find your way out. You have to be the one to take the steps and keep breathing. A relapse doesn’t mean you have to start again. A relapse doesn’t mean you have failed. A relapse doesn’t mean ‘game over.’ A relapse is a learning period and a time to grow.” 

Changbin wiped at Minho’s cheek (when had it gotten wet?), still quiet. Minho laughed and thanked him in a whisper. “A relapse,” Changbin tried, “is like when I’ve got a flow to a song I’m writing and I reach a point where I get stuck with either the words or the melody or the notes so I go to Chan-hyung or Jisung about it, but ultimately it’s my choice how I write the song, and I move on from that bump in the writing process. Getting stuck doesn’t mean I throw the piece away.” 

Minho nodded. “Yeah,” he whispered, letting his head dip, breaking eye contact with Changbin. “Exactly.” 

Changbin lifted Minho’s chin, just as the older had done for him. “Is there more behind this, hyung? Do you need to talk, too?”

“Not exactly like that,” Minho explained. “It’s just-- my brother was in the hospital for a really long time. And right before I went on that tour with BTS as a backup dancer, he got so sick he had to go back into the hospital. The relapse wasn’t too bad, he’d been through so much worse, but it scared him-- it had scared  _ all _ of us. He called me in a frenzy about it, how he didn’t want to do this again, didn’t want to feel so trapped and closed off, that it was going to start over and he’d be stuck at the hospital for the rest of his life… It took me  _ hours _ to finally get through to him, and even then he kept having to call me, to have me reassure him between shows-- he couldn’t grasp the concept well when all he’d know for most of his life was either ‘I’m dying soon’ or ‘I’m not sick, I feel perfectly fine’ with no in between. I want to make sure you don’t have to stay in that hell of a limbo.”

Changbin reached behind them to pick up the mugs once again. “I’m not,” Changbin answered quietly, pecking Minho’s lips before taking a long sip from his cup. “I think I would have been if things had been different, but I’m not. Not now, not with your words.”

Minho’s smile was soft. “You’re so brilliant, Changbin. I hope you never forget that.” He took in a breath, eyes shining, almost unbelieving. “And I love you so fucking much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consistant updates who? idk her  
> This chapter was requested by the lovely notalosechester  
> YES YOU CAN REQUEST I'D LOVE IT IF YOU WOULD MAKE REQUSTS  
> k thx bye

The next week was hell. In between fan meets and concerts and talk shows and practices and schooling and lyric writing and choreographing  _ and _ \-- it felt like there was no time to breathe let alone sleep and eat and function in a relationship, especially one as large and complex as their own. Stray Kids was on edge, high strung and sleep-deprived, so when they found a few hours on Sunday to themselves, Woojin had immediately claimed Chan as his for the evening. 

Chan had laughed and promised his time away, following Woojin into his own bedroom. Chan’s bed was the largest, a queen, actually, so often times his bed was used for cuddle sessions whether they were his or not-- not that he minded or anything. 

Woojin got into the bed, smiling softly at the leader as he buried himself under the comforter, head squishing into the soft pillows and a relief-filled breath escaping his lips. Chan sat with his back against the headboard and patted his lap. Woojin curled his body in to rest his head on Chan’s thigh. Immediately, Chan began running his fingers through Woojin’s hair, humming a soft tune. Woojin let out a long breath, face curling in to the younger’s thigh. 

“I love you so much,” Wojin whispered, eyes closed. 

“I love you too, baby,” Chan responded, rubbing his back. As he came across knots, he gently tried to work them out. “How are you holding up?”

Woojin groaned as Chan’s fingers found another knot. “Barely,” he admitted. “In between the others coming to me for help and trying to accomplish my own agenda and cooking meals and cleaning, I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of collapsing. I don’t know how you do it, Channie. I’d never make it as leader.”

Chan snorted. “I think you’d be a great leader. But listen, it’s okay to tell the kids ‘no’ if you can’t help them. They’ll understand.”

Woojin’s nose scrunched and he lifted his head, tugging on Chan’s pant leg so he’d lay down. Chan situated himself against the mattress and opened his arms for Woojin. Woojin rolled forward and into his chest, letting Chan tangle their legs and pull him tight against the younger’s chest. 

“But then I always feel bad. They came to me for help and they should be able to rely on me no matter what.”

Chan hummed, leaving a kiss to the crown of Woojin’s head gently, nodding. “I understand where you’re coming from, hyung, I really do, but we’re all just human. I have a hard time remembering that sometimes, but it’s true. We’re human and we have limits. They’ll understand that, and they won’t think any less of you or trust you any less. Yeah, it’ll suck to turn them away, but if you explain  _ why _ you have to turn them away, it’s going to make both of your lives much easier. Hell, you don’t even have to tell them you  _ can’t  _ so much as  _ when  _ you can, you know?”

Woojin grumbled playfully, “I hate it when you’re right, I’m supposed to be the oldest and wisest.”

Chan laughed into Woojin’s hair, smiling softly. “Trust me, you still are. I just have my moments here and there.”

“‘Here and there,’ he says when in reality he means, ‘all the damn time but I’m too humble and self-deprecating to realize it.’” 

“I came out here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now,” Chan sniffled, faking wiping away a tear.

“I came out here to attack people and I’m honestly having such a great time right now,” Woojin retorted, parroting roughly the English words Felix often responded with when Chan used that line. 

Chan hummed, pleased. “That was really great pronunciation.” He pulled the older closer. “You’re so warm,” he sighed, curling tighter around him. “I love it.” 

Woojin moved one arm to hang over Chan’s waist, letting his forehead rest on the younger’s sternum. “I usually love being the one to hold others. But… You’re so solid. It makes me feel safe,” Woojin whispered. “You know, as the oldest… I always have so many doubts and insecurities. Am I doing enough? Are the kids alright? Is there anything I forgot? Am I supposed to be here? Did I mess this up? Did I fuck that up? There are so many things, but… with you there… it’s not so much that they go away as it’s easier to combat them, rationalize them, and file them away.” 

Woojin cleared his throat, hand fisting the back of his shirt tightly. “You’ve just got this… healing, warm presence about you. Everyone gravitates towards you and you’ve got such a powerful presence. People relax so easily around you. It used to make me jealous that people paid so much attention to you, honestly. But I… I got over that pretty quickly after actually meeting you. I understood the appeal. You’re like a rock, a dad that will help and encourage and bring up anyone.” The eldest sighed, pulling back slightly to look up at Chan. 

“You’ve done so much for so many people, and I don’t think I could repay you for all the people you’ve helped and time you’ve given away if I had the rest of eternity to do so. You just… give and give even when you don’t have anything left to give! And, honestly, sometimes it’s frustrating because I watch you hurt yourself to heal and help others, but then I remember it’ll only hurt you more if you stopped yourself from doing those things. However, you still need time to rest between all the helping, to recharge and get yourself back together. 

“I saw this tweet that made me think of you the moment I read it. It said, ‘When you naturally have a healing aura, you attract a lot of damaged people, and having them in your life could drain your energy to the max. This is a reminder that it is not your job to heal everyone that you encounter. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.’ I always think of you when I see things like that. I wish you’d take care of yourself better than you do, but I also understand why it’s hard for you to do so. 

“I mean, you were here for seven-plus years, watched friends come and go and come and go, so you worked harder and harder and harder until you had 3racha. So you upped the ante and put in  _ more  _ time. And then you picked the rest of us, and you increased your dedication; then you lost one, then two, and beat yourself up, put in more work. You drowned yourself in your work in hopes of dulling the pain, making good things come faster with no one to watch after you. You looked after the world with no one to look after you… I’m so proud of how far you’ve come.”

Chan was, admittedly, crying like a baby-- okay, not really. It wasn’t like it was noisy and nasty. It was “soft” tears, just a few to show the overwhelming emotion bursting out of him. “ _ God _ , you’re amazing,” he breathed softly, bending down to kiss him sweetly, more tears leaking down his cheeks. The kiss was soft yet powerful as Chan tried to push how much he adored the older into the intimate movement of lips. They pulled away after a short time, Chan panting from the tears and overwhelming ache in his chest. 

Woojin laughed softly, pulling Chan down for a quick peck. “Bang Chan, you’re so amazing,” Woojin whispered, stars in his eyes as he brought a hand to cup Chan’s cheek. 

“As are you, my angel,” Chan responded, eyes glassy. 

Chan repositioned their legs so Woojin would be more comfortable and they shared innocent, lazy kisses as the slivers of light coming through the curtains warmed their blanket, and consequently themselves, the weather and temperature on top of the rest from their constant non-stop activity making them sleepy. Woojin giggled as he traced the apple of Chan’s cheek. 

“I just… can’t get over how beautiful you are,” he admitted, tracing down his jaw and lips before moving up to his brow and eyes and nose. “Really, both inside and out. I know you can be insecure, but if you could see yourself from my eyes… There wouldn’t be a doubt in your mind. So brilliant and kind, self-sacrificing. You sacrifice sleep and free time for the managers and us. You sacrifice lyric-writing to help others with their raps or their own writing and developing. You give yourself in everything you do and I just  _ wish _ you could see the way your face lights up with your goofy little grin. It’s beautiful.”

Chan smiled shyly. “Well, you aren’t too bad yourself,” he mumbled, embarrassment painting his cheeks pink. “Always helping the younger ones and cooking and cleaning and running errands… The things you do take so much stress off of me, you have no idea how grateful I am that you do those things for me, Woojinnie-hyung. I think I’d actually reach a snapping point if I had to do all that as well.” Chan carded his fingers through Woojin’s hair once again. “It really means a lot, the way you help out around here.” Woojin hummed, pleased with the hand in his hair and the compliment in his heart. 

“I think we’re both pretty amazing,” Woojin muttered sleepily, snuggling closer to Chan’s chest. 

Chan laughed and agreed, placing several kisses to his brow and forehead. “Now, you rest, baby. You’ve done enough today.” Woojin muttered a response, but it was too slurred to be coherent. “I love you,” Chan whispered to Woojin, as the older crossed the border into Dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme   
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self-hate, injury, guilt, kinda depression and anxiety-- not very descriptive, I don't think  
> Y'all this is 4K and I didn't even BEGIN to proofread this. One of these days, I'll go back and proofread this shit, but today is not that day. I had the ACT this weekend and had to deal with a shittonne of new people and I need a hot minute (read: lifetime) to recover. So bare with me and love Lee Felix. Kay thanks.  
> This was requested by BadHope and DawnBreaker55, I hope you are both satisfied uwu
> 
> PS: Requests are still a thing. Pls. Humor me.  
> PPS: I have officially proofread. You can stone me or whatever if there are still mistakes.

It was late. They had been in the dance studio for Lord knew how long, each one resetting wordlessly when _again_ was thrown into the air. It was never good enough for the instructor. Never sharp enough, never fast enough, never in-time enough. The time was approaching 2 am and even Minho looked ready to drop.

 _Again_ was thrown into the air. No one said a thing, the echoes of torture and labored breathing the only noise in the room. The music played again and Felix wiped out on one of the twists, landing wrong on his ankle and harshly catching himself with one arm, a stinging filling his wrist. He shook it off, not looking at his members as he got back up.

Felix tried to keep the grimace off his face despite how his ankle throbbed and knee ached and wrist stung. They finished the run-through and the instructor stopped the music from playing again.

The instructor glowered. “Felix,” he began, tone all kinds of disappointed. “What was that? How do you even mess up a simple turn like that? And you call yourself a _dancer_? You’d better step it up before you're cut for good.”

Felix’s head dropped and began mumbling apologies, but Chan stepped in front of Felix. “That was absolutely too far,” Chan rebutted, matching the man with his own glare. “Saying something like that was not only disrespectful to Felix and his efforts but it was also extremely inappropriate. No matter the person, you do not speak to them in this way. I don’t care how many times over you are my senior, until you can get yourself together and act respectfully, we would kindly ask you to leave the dance room.”

“ _Excuse me?_ ”

“You’re not excused,” Minho said blandly. “And that wasn’t actually a request. Leave the room until you can stop acting like a toddler.”

The instructor still didn’t move, glaring around the room with steely eyes. Woojin stepped up to the man, their feet touching as he leaned in. “If you do not leave this room,” Woojin threatened under his breath, voice sharp, “I will call JYP-nim. And I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate being woken at such an hour.” The instructor kept his glare for a second longer before turning and storming out.

When the attention was back on Felix, they caught him wiping at his cheeks, head low.

“Hey,” Changbin cooed, coming over quickly to wrap the younger in a tender hug, “it’s okay, baby. He’s wrong, you hear me? He was so wrong. It’s late and none of us have been sleeping well. He shouldn’t have called you out like that. All of us made a mistake that run-through, he was just being an ass.”

Felix tore himself out of Changbin’s grasp, still not looking at any of them. “Let’s just run it again. That was a stupid mistake and I don’t want to end practice on such a poor note,” Felix excused, getting into position. (And if he had to fight with every fibre of his being not to wince, that was his own business.)

Jisung tutted, coming over to coddle him. “Absolutely not. It sounded like you landed really hard. Are you hurt? Does anything hurt?”

 _You’d better step up before you’re cut for good_.

“No. No, nothing hurts. Can we please just run it again?”

Minho looked hesitant, sharking a look with the leader who looked just as worried. “One last time,” Minho bargained, “then we go home no matter how we do.” Felix nodded, only looking at himself in the mirror as the others got into position and the music was started.

He was hyper-aware of every mistake his body made, of every hesitation and stutter in carrying out the moves, and he could feel himself getting more aggravated as the song went on. The pain in his limbs also increased. He’d had to physically bite back a cry of pain as one dance move required him to put most of his weight on the injured wrist. Felix was just more agitated at the end of the song, last chord ringing out and taking Felix’s self-confidence with it.

“Okay,” Woojin began softly, “I think we all need to get some rest now. Let’s head home.” Chan nodded and the others hummed in agreement. Eight of the nine began to move towards the door and when Seungmin noticed Felix was not among them, he turned back, questioning Felix.

“I’ll be home soon. I just need to get this dance right first,” Felix promised, feeling the pain in his limbs grow and pulse.

Seungmin shook his head, looping his arm through Felix’s. “Absolutely not. We’ve been here since noon. Dance is over and so is the day. It’s time for _bed_.”

Felix tried to make excuses, becoming more persistent as they got further from the studio and closer to the van. Seungmin was steadfast, however, not giving Felix any wiggle room. Felix tried to keep up with Seungmin’s pace (it was barely any faster than Seungmin’s normal walking speed, but the pain was so great that it felt too fast, too painful in both his knee and ankle) but it was getting harder as everything seemed to build up.

But he pushed it down. That was what he was good at doing. He was supposed to smile. That was the only emotion he needed to express for everyone to be content. He knew how to play this game; he’d done it since he was little and now was no different.

Felix fell silent, giving up on the studio and instead focused on hiding any sort of limp or oddity that would raise suspicion of Felix having an injury.

 _You’d better step up before you’re cut for good_.

He couldn’t fall behind. He couldn’t let the other suffer because of him. He couldn’t let the others fail because of him. He couldn’t quit just because he got a _boo-boo_. This wasn’t second grade; he wouldn’t let himself fall behind because he was overreacting about an injury. He needed to try harder, up the ante, lock down. He’d been too lax in his training, he needed to get better.

Stepping into the van was more painful that he’d like to admit, the only grip to help heave himself up rested on his injured wrist’s side. He gritted his teeth and pulled himself up, going straight into the back corner of the van and pulling up his hood, a clear sign he wanted to be alone.

Jeongin sat beside him despite this. He did a lot of things in spite of warnings so why change now? Felix didn’t look at him. He couldn’t let his focus break. He needed to replay the dance and identify where he was going wrong. A warm hand seemed to burn into his freezing thigh, but he didn’t react to it past trying (and failing) to brush it away. And then a warm head was being rested against his cold bicep, the warmth almost instantly seeping through his hoodie. He _needed_ to focus, needed to fix his mistakes. He stayed still. If he was still enough, maybe Jeongin would fall asleep and he could lay him against the other window.

But Jeongin drew patterns into his thigh, humming a nameless melody. Distraction. He couldn’t let it distract him. Jeongin leaned more heavily on him. Distraction. He couldn’t let--

“Did you hurt yourself when you fell?” Jeongin asked softly, not pausing his drawing.

Felix sighed harshly, glaring out the window. “ _No_ , Jeongin, I did not. I already _told_ you I’m fine. Can we just _leave it?_ ” Jeongin raised his eyebrows at the heated response, pulling his head off Felix’s shoulder. Jeongin didn’t take the harsh response to heart. Felix had been hurt in a worse way than physical tonight and Jeongin wasn’t going to hold _anything_ Felix said tonight against the Aussie.

“Will you sleep with me tonight?” Jeongin asked instead, trying to keep his voice light.

“No. I’m sleeping in my own bed tonight.”

Jeongin hummed in understanding despite the small sting of rejection. “Alright,” he acquiesced. He didn’t want Felix to become hostile, he just understood that sometimes Felix needed to be questioned to let anything out. Tonight, however, there would be nothing.

They pulled up to the dorms and Felix was the last to exit, staying in the back all the way up to the dorms. The pain really was only getting worse and he was struggling to hide it, afraid of the backlash he would receive. First he messes up a beginner twirl and then he actually gets hurt enough that he has to sit out? Absolutely not. He couldn’t afford to fall behind, couldn’t afford to be dropped from the group after all he had sacrificed to get here. He couldn’t lose his family.

Despite Woojin loosely grabbing his bicep, he stepped past, kicking off his shoes and entering his bedroom. He went straight to his bed and pulled the covers over his curled body. The less he had to see his family means the less he has to pretend which means the less it hurts. But everything already hurt. The tears came, silent.

_You’d better step up before you’re cut for good. You’d better step up before you’re cut for good. You’d better step up before you’re cut for good. You’d better step up before you’re cut for good. You’d better step up before you’re cut for good. You’d better step up before you’re cut for good. You’d better step up before you’re cut for good._

His bed creaked as more weight was added to it. Felix didn’t turn, didn’t open his eyes, didn’t brush away the tears. Whomever it was couldn’t see them in the darkness anyway.

“Lix,” the voice called softly. They were sitting on the edge of his bed. Hyunjin. “Hey, angel. I know you’re awake, but you don’t need to talk to me or anything you don’t want to do. I just came to say a few things. Fist, the man was wrong to say that if you didn’t get the dance right then you’d be cut out of Stray Kids.” Felix’s whole body flinched at the blunt words. “You have fought too hard for an over-privileged bastard to hurt and demean you like this. And I know, however much you want to deny it, that his words hurt you. It’s okay to let it hurt, but don’t let it grow. Trust me when I tell you that letting that type of negativity fester is the worst possible thing. You can come to us. We aren’t going to be disappointed or think of you less or whatever is making you hesitate. And you know we’d never let you leave Stray Kids. You’re here for good, you hear me, angel? You’re here for good.” Hyunjin put a hand on Felix’s covered bicep, rubbing lightly.

“And if you have actually been injured and you’re lying to us, I hope you’ll let us know. Getting hurt isn’t a joke or a frivolous matter. And that move wasn’t a beginner move. A triple spin into a reverse scorpion? That shit is dangerous and I’m surprised that was the only time you’d really messed up on it-- not because you’re a poor dancer but because it’s such an advanced move.” Hyunjin sighed. “And I know you don’t want to talk to us for whatever reason, but… I’m here. We’re all here.”

Felix… felt his heart crack a bit at Hyunjin’s words, at his honesty and bluntness. This young man who had been abused and told he’d never be anything more than a pretty face, this young man who had pushed past those stereotypes and been able to actually _love life_ … He was sitting here, understanding without having to really understand. Felix inched further into the bed.

“Is this an invitation for me to sleep with you?”

Felix didn’t say a word. He waited a beat before moving forward a wee bit more. Hyunjin hummed, lying down behind Felix, throwing an arm around the younger’s waist. Felix slowly uncurled himself and Hyunjin leaned into the younger, holding him tighter.

“I really do love you, my angel,” Hyunjin whispered as Felix succumbed to sleep, fingers playing with his orange hair.

 

Hyunjin shook Felix awake gently, singing to him softly. Felix groaned, wondering why his body ached so violently. Oh. That's right. He'd fallen. He'd let down his team, his family-- his lovers. All of them should be angry at him and yet none of them were and Felix didn't _understand._ Felix rubbed at his face rather harshly, trying to wake himself up.

“Lix,” Hyunjin coaxed gently, “ I know you're tired, but we're scheduled for dance this morning. Just two hours, then we go to record for a bit. After that, the day is ours, okay?”

Felix nodded, throwing himself into a sitting position and ignoring the way his wrist ached. Hyunjin combed a hand through his unruly hair with a delicacy that should be saved for the most expensive china. Felix didn't deserve it.

_You'd better step up before you're cut for good._

Felix felt his heart rate increase as the words plagued him once more. He pulled away from Hyunjin hand just enough that Hyunjin got the hint, and he swung his legs off the side of the bed. He took a deep breath, unsure of how it would feel to put weight on his ankle and knee if his wrist hurt as much as it did just bending.

Felix pushed himself to his feet, unable to keep the grunt of pain silent and Hyunjin cooed sympathetically. “Sore from yesterday? We were in there for so long, I think all of use have the aches.” Hyunjin's only response was a nod as Felix made his way to the bedroom door. “We're all sitting down for breakfast now, angel. Why don't join them?” Again, there was only a nod in response and Hyunjin frowned. Felix was most certainly still caught up in the choreographer's words from last night (he would be, too), but it seemed like there was something more to it than that.

“I know you're sick of us asking, but are you sure you didn't injure yourself last night?”

“I'm fine,” Felix whispered, not turning back as he almost hobbled to the table where the others sat.

A plate was put in front of him, and he picked at it but didn't really eat more than a few bites, head still obsessing over how to improve, to focus, to not leave his family behind.

“Felix,” Chan called softly from next to him. Felix cocked his head to the side to indicate he was listening. “Aren't you hungry, baby?” Felix shook his head, staring at the table blankly. Chan looked towards Woojin at the “head” of the table, gaze worried.

“Can you try to eat some more, Lix-ah?” Woojin requested, voice gentle. “Just a couple more bites.” Felix stuck another fork-full into his mouth before pushing away his plate so Woojin thanked him quietly.

Felix stood, mumbling a quiet _“I’m going to get dressed”_ before walking away, not meeting anyone’s eyes. His walk, however, was slow, measured, and Jisung frowned at that, tapping Minho. Minho nodded as well, and Jisung knew Minho felt the same way.

Once Felix’s door had shut, Jisung spoke. “I think we need to keep a very close eye on him today. I mean-- obviously we would since he isn’t acting like himself, but I mean I don’t know how Felix will react to anything today and I feel like we should watch over him.”

The table nodded in agreement and they went back to their food.

 

Felix felt dread build in his stomach as they approached the dance studio. Were they going to have the same teacher as last night? Was he going to get yelled at? Was his ankle or knee or wrist going to give out on him? What dance were they working on today? Could he continue to hide that he was injured?

_You’d better step up before you’re cut for good._

No. He _had_ to keep it a secret. He couldn’t fall behind. He could disappoint his family. He couldn’t leave.

But the dread kept building, and his heart ached to reach out to someone, _anyone_ , even as the instructor’s voice echoed in his mind.  He took in a long breath, eyes closed, and his hand reached out to grab the person next to him without his consent. It was Changbin, the coolness of his fingers and the slender build. It was all Changbin.

Changbin grabbed Felix’s hand off his thigh and laced their fingers together, free hand coming to cover the top of the younger’s hand. Slowly, his arm moved up, and warm lips were pressed against his fingers. His eyes and heart ached to release the building emotion, but he pushed it down. He was good at doing that.

His eyes stay closed, and Changbin continued to press kisses to Felix’s hand until the van stopped. Felix’s eyes snapped open quickly, panic flashing before he reeled it in. “Hey,” Changbin breathed, “Chan talked to JYP-nim earlier. That instructor will no longer be working with us. It’s going to be okay, yeah? You’re an amazing dancer and not being able to land one dance move out of the hundreds that you have is barely even a stumble. It’s frustrating, yeah, but I promise this doesn’t make you a bad dancer.”

Felix looked at him, met his eyes for just a split second (they were so tender, so open and raw and kind and Felix felt _deplorable_ ), and turned away once again, nodding shallowly.

So, as though nothing had happened the previous day, Stray Kids made their way into the dance studio, Felix squished between Jisung and Changbin warmly. Felix focused on keeping his walk confident and steady, not allowing the increasing pain to hinder him. As they set up for their first run-through of the day, most of them chattering lightly, Felix kept his eyes closed, going over the portion he’d been unable to perfect the previous day in his mind. They stretched for a considerable amount of time, neither Minho nor Chan wanted something so preventable to hurt their boys. Felix finished faster than most of the others and stood, finding his place at the front of the room.

The noise settled down slowly and he opened his eyes to see his members getting ready, Minho running back from the stereo. The first beats kicked off the harsh choreography and Felix was genuinely struggling to keep up already. When the chorus came and he was to do the same move as the previous day, his body faltered on him and instead he spun much slower to the counts it would have taken to complete the move-- none of the members looked surprised or disappointed which was both relieving and concerning to Felix-- but he continued on with the movements without a hitch after that.

With the following hours, much to Felix’s dismay and growing frustration, his body wouldn’t _stop_ copping out on him, mind freezing up in fear that he would be injured again-- physically and mentally. During their first water break, Minho had gone over and tried to comfort Felix, the frustration clear in the younger’s tone and posture. On their second water break, it was Chan that tried, but even that failed. On the third, it was Hyunjin and Jisung, but again their attempts were fruitless so finally, on the fourth break, Chan came back over and held Felix for the ten minutes they had. The younger stayed cuddled against Chan’s chest, curled up in the leader’s lap and trying to keep the tears down.

_You’d better step up before you’re cut for good._

And the voice. He curled into Chan more, cradling his injured wrist to his chest and gripping Chan’s shirt desperately with his good hand. Chan spent the time cooing to him, singing softly and praising his effort. Small kisses against flushed skin kept Felix distracted as he tried to predict where the next press of lips would be.

Felix’s body held out on him for the rest of practice and he was a tad less irritable for the last half hour. They moved on to the recording studio after hydrating and finishing up with post-stretches. Seungmin and Jeongin sandwiched him on their walk, Seungmin with their fingers laced and Jeongin with a looped arm. They were quiet for him, but their presence was calming and Felix was grateful despite the guilt that riddled him.

Minho, when they’d all filed into the studio, picked his place on the couch and caught Felix by waist as he passed. Felix was pulled into Minho’s lap, warm and steady and Felix couldn’t stop the hitch of breath at the tenderness in Minho holding him. Minho placed a soft kiss to Felix’s lips before fussing over the younger’s messy hair. Felix gave a small smile, running his fingers through the black locks of the older as one member was pulled into the booth to work on the same song they had been recording before dance the day before.

At some point, Felix had hid his face in the crook of Minho’s neck, eyes shielded from the harsh fluorescent lights. Minho kept Felix close, holding the younger tightly against his chest even as Felix fought sleep. Too soon, however, Felix was being gently called into the booth to record. Without thinking, Felix put all his weight on his bad ankle to stand. With a pained gasp, the young Aussie crumpled to the ground, the muscles in his ankle tensing and giving out with his knee. Hyunjin and Minho were by his side in an instant, both within centimeters of Felix, and they helped him uncurl and lay out.

Woojin took the small boy’s head in his lap even as tears spilled from Felix’s eyes at the pain. “Lix,” a familiar accent soothed, “can you tell me what hurts?” Felix was breathing erratically and Chan took his hand to squeeze, but before he could even really lift the younger’s hand, Felix was crying out in pain and Chan placed his wrist against the floor once again, eyes panicked.

“Hurts,” Felix whimpered in English.

“I know,” Chan said in a quiet voice, “but I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what hurts, baby.”

Felix let out a sob. “I can’t,” he cried, trying to curl into himself. Chan stopped him quickly with the help of Minho and Hyunjin, shushing him gently as Woojin pet through his hair rhythmically.

“Why can’t you tell me, Lixie?”

“I can’t,” Felix sobbed, voice frantic, “I can’t let you down. I can’t get left.”

Chan felt his heart break as tears pricked at his own eyes. “No, no, baby, that will never happen. Do you hear me? _Never_. Not a force on this earth could ever take you from us, Lee Felix, and you could never let me down. Please, baby, let me help you. What hurts?”

“Ankle,” he gasped, body spasming as he tried to reach for Chan but his body refused. “And knee and wrist.” Chan moved closer, having Felix lay still when he could reach the leader.

“Did you hurt yourself yesterday when you fell?” Felix nodded and more tear began to fall. Chan shushed him once again. “Hey, it’s okay, Lixie. There’s no need to cry, everyone gets hurt sometimes.”

“I can’t get cut,” Felix sobbed, good hand crossing to grab Chan’s tightly. “I don’t wanna leave you. I don’t want to leave any of you. I love you, I can’t leave you, I love you, don’t let them--”

Chan leaned down to practically cover Felix’s body, pulling him up slightly into a hug. “You’re not leaving, baby,” he whispered, cradling the wet face in his neck. “We all love you, and you’re going to stay with us, it’s okay, baby. It’s okay. I need you to breathe for me… In and out… slowly… Yeah, just like that. You’re doing so well, I’m so proud.” Chan laid him back in Woojin’s lap. “Now that we know you’re never going to be taken from us, Mr. Felix, we need to bring you to the hospital, okay? We don’t want our baby getting seriously hurt, yeah?”

Felix nodded, sniffling and reaching up for Woojin. Woojin maneuvered out from under the younger and picked him up, small legs hugging his frame as he carried Felix to the van.

 

Hours later, the manager was able to drive Felix and a few other members back to the dorm with Felix donning a wrapped wrist and sling as well as a boot and taped knee. The instructions were for him to not agitate his wrist for the following fortnight and stay off his ankle as much as possible for the next month. No excessive walking, no stairs, and absolutely _no_ dancing. But even so, the manager had announced cheerily on their way back to the dorm, the choreographer had been let go.

Guilt filled Felix’s veins, but Jisung pulled Felix into his chest, playing with the soft locks and not giving his near-twin time to think about the previous day.

When Felix was helped into the dorm, he was quickly pulled into Chan’s bed for a cuddle pile (with, of course, careful arranging around his injured limbs) and lots of sweets as they doted on each other and continuously repeated increasingly more clever variations of _I love you, Lee Felix, certified ball of sunshine._

Maybe, Felix thought, maybe he just needed to get out of his head and see things for what they truly were. Okay. Amazing. Loving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY, YOU!!!!! TW: DEPRESSION!!!!!!! PLEASE BE CAREFUL  
> I love you all and thank you to all who are requesting things, I'll try to get them to you as quickly as possible without them being shitty uwu  
> This chapter was requested by: inmylife ; I hope it isn't shitty, my dear. Please enjoy uwu

Jeongin… wasn't doing well today. Everything felt like it was going wrong, and his medicine hadn't seemed to be helping as of late. He was getting frustrated at himself--overly so, he knew logically though his mind didn't like to listen-- at every minor mistake. He'd been alone in a vocal room for what felt like hours, running over the same few lines. If he reached the note, he messed up on the flow and lyrics, but if he focused on the flow and lyrics, his voice would crack grotesquely. 

He could feel tears starting to form as he groaned in frustration, hands coming to his hair. He tried to run it again, but unsurprisingly, his voice cracked-- but what's more, he also messed up on the lyrics following the note. He shouted in frustration, pushing himself away from the table he stood in front of. 

Only to come face-to-face with Woojin. Jeongin's face crumpled in embarrassment and he looked away, eyes downcast. “Hey,” Woojin greeted softly. Jeongin didn't have a response, just gave a small nod. “I think we need to take a break, yeah?” he advised. 

Jeongin shook his head. “No thank you, hyung. I really need to get this down before anything else.” 

Woojin closed the distance between them, cupping him jaw and raising the maknae's eyes to him. “Baby,” Woojin whispered, “will you please come to lunch with me? You've been in here since breakfast.”

Jeongin felt the tears prick again, more insistent this time. “Will you help me after lunch?” he asked, trying to keep the tears out his voice. “I don't know what I'm doing wrong.” 

Woojin smiled, leaning down to place a soft kiss to Jeongin's lips. “I'd love to do that for you.” He ran a warm hand through Jeongin's hair. “Do you want to eat out, bring it home, or eat in one of the studios?” 

Jeongin debated it. If they went out, they had the possibility of being recognized… and have to eat in front of strangers. If they ate in one of the studios, they could work on the piece when they were done. But… he could work on the song at the dorm, right? And they would both be more relaxed there… No one would be watching… 

“Home,” he whispered. He could feel his lips downturning without his consent after the word left his mouth, muscles tensing in a way he couldn't prevent. The warmth of the tears across his cheeks was both comforting and terrible. Woojin pulled him forward gently, into his broad chest, and held him tightly. 

“Oh, my baby,” he sighed. “I think home is the best option. Why didn't you tell one of us that things were getting bad again?” Jeongin shrugged into the hold, burying his face into Woojin's hoodie. “I’m here,” Woojin soothed, running his large hand through the youngest’s hair. “We’ll go home now, and I’m going to wrap you up in a blanket, and we’re going to relax. Okay?” Jeongin nodded into his chest but didn’t try to move from the eldest’s warmth.

Woojin bent down a bit, hooking his arms around Jeongin’s thighs and lifting him. Jeongin immediately locked his ankles behind his hyung and looped his arms around Woojin’s neck, burying his face into Woojin’s shoulder. This sort of babying, Jeongin thought, was what he needed. Woojin rocked and bounced him lightly as if he were an infant needing attention-- which would sound idiotic if not for the fact that this was one of the only things that genuinely calmed Jeongin. 

Jeongin calmed his tears quickly after that, body sagging into Woojin’s. Woojin kept him close still, placing small kisses to his baby’s neck and shoulder. “I wanna go home,” Jeongin whispered finally. Woojin nodded, placing another kiss to Jeongin’s shoulder before starting to walk out the door. Jeongin was glad that Woojin didn’t try to make him walk and felt even better when Woojin had the manager pull the van around to the garage. Woojin kept Jeongin in his lap, curled into a ball, and carried his into the dorm as well. 

He was laid in Chan’s bed, covers pulled tightly over him. Woojin left a kiss to him forehead, promising he’d be right back. Woojin found Felix quickly, asking him to make something for him and Jeongin. Felix nodded, not questioning the look on Woojin’s face as he turned away with a peck on the lips. 

When Woojin walked back into Chan’s room, Changbin was crawling into bed beside Jeongin. Woojin slid into the bed behind Jeongin, smiling to Changbin. Changbin smiled back, leaning forward to steal a kiss from Woojin before focusing back on Jeongin. The youngest leaned back into Woojin’s chest and pulled Changbin closer. Changbin smiled, scooting closer and lacing their fingers together. 

He placed kisses on each knuckle. “My sweet fox,” Changbin sighed. “You’re too sweet, my summer fox.” 

Jeongin’s chest heaved with fresh tears. “I’m not! I’m doing everything wrong,” Jeongin cried, shaking his head. “I’m not sweet, I’m not good.” He pulled away and sat up, rubbing harshly at his eyes, frustrated. “I can’t even sing right! I mess up  _ everything _ . I should never have debuted! I can’t even get out of bed these mornings, how am I supposed to be an idol?”

“Hey,” Changbin corrected, sitting up and pulling Jeongin’s hands away from his eyes. “Now, you know that’s your thoughts talking and it isn’t true and-- I  _ know _ that saying it isn’t true, isn’t going to do anything at all except frustrate you, probably. And I  _ know _ you’re probably thinking that yeah, you know, but it doesn’t make the thought any less shitty.”

Jeongin nodded, sniffling and looking away. Woojin sat up slowly, crossing his legs and pulling the youngest back into his chest. Jeongin jumped at the initial contact before relaxing. Cold fingers wiped at the wetness on Jeongin’s cheeks and Changbin moved forward, sitting on his knees. As Woojin’s hand moved up into Jeongin’s hair, Changbin’s came forward to cup Jeongin’s jaw and made the younger look him in the eye.

“My sweet baby,” Changbin began, eyes tender, “you are not a terrible singer or a fuck-up because you can’t hit a note. What note are you trying to reach?”

“It’s… C#6 in falsetto.”

“Innie, the average trained tenor can reach C5  _ if  _ they’re lucky, and Chan is asking you to go above and beyond. You expect a lot from yourself and it’s hard to stop yourself from going automatically to the negative thoughts. But you are so much better than you think. A butterfly cannot see its wings. It does not see how we humans marvel at their beauty. It cannot see the things it has gone through to become so beautiful, cannot see its strength. And yet, we are in awe at their vibrance and their grace. That is you, my tiny fox.” Jeongin sniffled harsher and Changbin wiped away the tears before Jeongin could lift his hand. 

“I think I’m broken, hyung,” Jeongin croaked, pulling his face out of Changbin’s hands and looking at his lap instead. 

“You aren’t broken, baby,” Changbin assured readily, leaning forward to place a kiss on their maknae’s forehead. “And even if you were, this household doesn’t throw away broken things. We fix them and care for them and help them heal. But you aren’t broken. It isn’t abnormal to feel this way, it isn’t wrong. It’s just that people are mean and don’t like when things don’t follow a strict pattern. A lot of people talk of depression as if it’s some kind of black mark or a stigma. Just because you have depression doesn’t means you’re unlovable or difficult or overreacting. You are loveable and your struggles are so damn valid.”

“But none of  _ you _ have this problem,” Jeongin shot back, gaze full of hurt as their eyes met once again. “You can get out of bed and function. I can’t. I’m weak and useless, and there is so much wrong with me. How can’t you all see it?”

“Do you think it’s gross when Jisung constantly needs to have something in his mouth?” Changbin asked, voice barely a whisper. 

“ _ No _ ,” Jeongin shot back, appalled. “Of course not! Why would I  _ ever? _ That’s how he copes and stuff!”

“Do you think Hyunjin is weak when he has panic attacks? Or what about when Minho-hyung can’t deal with us touching his skin?”

“No! That’s not weak! That’s just the way their body reacts to things! They can’t control that!”

“What about when Chan-hyung wakes up with nightmares? When he cries and has to isolate himself for hours on end? When Woojin-hyung’s voices get too loud and he snaps at us? Do you blame them for that happening?”

“No! No, no, no! I wouldn’t ever!” Jeongin looked frantic, turning so he could look Woojin in the eyes. He  _ needed _ his hyung to know that he didn’t ever blame any of them.

“Okay, what about my anxiety? Or Felix’s mental health issues?” Jeongin kept shaking his head, stuttering out assurances. Changbin caught Jeongin’s face carefully between his hands. He had Jeongin look him in the eyes, thumb stroking over the apple of his cheek. “Then why is it your fault? Why is you not being able to get out of bed any different than Chan-hyung having to isolate himself? Why is your itch to not eat any different than Jisung’s need to have things in his mouth? Baby, what makes the rules so different when it’s you we’re talking about? This may not mean anything to you, may only have you understand in the moment, but baby-- This isn’t weakness. This is your body trying its damnedest to cope. And  _ no,  _ it won’t always be the healthiest route, but this is what your body is convinced will help.”

Jeongin’s tears started full force as he pushed himself into Changbin’s arms, body heaving sharply with fresh sobs as Changbin wrapped himself around their little maknae tightly. The bedroom door opened and two figures slipped into the room and let the door close again behind them. 

Woojin looked back, a sad smile painting his features. “Hey,” he greeted softly. 

On a tray sat five instant cups of ramen and Woojin smiled in gratitude. “Hey, Channie,” he whispered back. “Thank you.” Chan nodded, watching Changbin and Jeongin with a sad sort of fondness. 

“Is he doing alright?” Minho asked, frowning at the pair on the bed. “Like, obviously not, but… better than earlier?”

Woojin shrugged sadly. “I couldn’t tell you, I’m sorry. He was getting frustrated about not being able to hit a note and continue his lines, and when I finally got him back here, Changbin was climbing into the bed and talking some things out with him. I do think, however… that he needs his hyungs right now. Not… not all of us, but I think it would serve him well of you two stayed.”

Chan and Minho nodded and crawled into the bed after leaving a kiss on Woojin’s lips. Jeongin pulled away from Changbin and wiped the fluids off his face. “Can I give you a kiss?” Joengin asked quietly, rubbing at his eye with his hoodie sleeve. Changbin smiled softly and nodded, letting the maknae lean forward in his lap. Changbin met him half way, his lips soft against Jeongin’s bitten, cracked ones. It was soft, nothing more than moving lips, but it was more than enough for both of them. 

Jeongin pulled away, laying a hand softly against Changbin’s cheek and leaning in for another peck. “Thank you, hyung,” he whispered. “Really, thank you.” Changbin nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. 

“Jeonginnie?” Woojin called from behind. 

Jeongin turned around, smiling just barely when he saw Chan and Minho. Minho held out his arms and Jeongin maneuvered away from Changbin and into Minho’s hold. Minho cradled his head against his neck, kissing his temple over and over as he whispered how proud he was of his little maknae. Jeongin held tight to Minho’s shirt, letting Minho’s words wash over him. Maybe he didn’t believe all of what was being said, but he felt loved. Chan rubbed his back, too, and the warmth took away some of the ache that lingered from staying bent over a table for hours.

Jeongin pulled away after Lord knew how long and puckered his lips slightly, asking for a kiss. Minho smiled happily and ruffled his hair before kissing the younger. Jeongin angled his head sightly and melted into Minho’s chest. Minho pulled away first, fingers trailing over the younger’s features with a feather-like gentleness. 

“Oh, my sweet maknae,” Minho breathed with happiness. “You’re so bright, I wish you didn’t hurt so much.” 

Jeongin smile a bit sadly. “I wish so, too, hyung.”

“But you’re so strong for being able to deal with this,” Chan added, moving so he could loop his arms around the maknae’s middle. Minho let their leader pull Jeongin into his lap, and Chan left butterfly kisses to the back of Jeongin’s neck and shoulders. “I really mean it. Getting out of bed even when you wish you could just disappear… that takes so much strength. And I am so proud of you for that.” 

“Thank you, hyung,” Jeongin whispered, leaning back into Chan’s chest. Chan hummed lightly. 

“Jeonginnie,” Woojin said quietly, causing Jeongin to tilt his head in his hyung’s direction. “Can you eat some lunch with us? Hyungs brought some ramen cups.”

Jeongin scrunched his nose but nodded. Even if he hated eating, he  _ was _ hungry. And it would please his hyungs if he could eat the whole cup… He held the warm cup in his cold fingers for a few seconds before actually starting to eat. He ate slowly, trying to keep the noodles down as he laid against Chan’s chest. Chan rubbed and kneaded at his too-small stomach (he still thought he needed to lose weight) which helped him keep it down. He made pleased noises every so often, and each time one of his hyungs would coo at him, making him feel warm. His hyungs were cute, too. 

When he let out a pleased mewl just a bit too loud, he gasped, surprised with himself, and began to stutter out apologies. That was weird, right? Having to have your boyfriend massage your stomach just so you could eat comfortably? And making weird little noises? That wasn’t normal, was it?

Chan buried his face into Jeongin’s neck and pulled him tighter against his chest. “Aigoo, baby,” Chan breathed. “You’re doing things to my heart.” Jeongin’s stuttering stopped and he pulled away with pink cheeks, making Chan raise his head. “You’re so cute, baby,” Chan admitted with tender eyes. Jeongin felt his heart rate speed up and a broad smile paint itself on his face.

“You’re cute too, hyung,” Jeongin replied, leaning forward to kiss the tip of his nose. Chan went back to burying his head into Jeongin’s neck and Jeongin finished his last bite of food. “I-- I finished the cuop,” Jeongin told them hesitantly. (Was it weird that he was looking for praise? Hoping that his efforts were enough and that they would be proud of him for taking more than a few bites?)

“Yaah,” Minho breathed. “I didn’t think you were up for eating a whole cup,” he admitted. “But I’m so glad you did, baby. You didn’t have much at breakfast and I’m really proud of you for being able to finish the whole cup.” Jeongin hid his face a bit, braces peaking through his parted lips. 

Woojin hummed along. “Yeah, it’s really good that you ate the whole thing, baby. But is your stomach upset now? I know sometimes it will get upset when you eat a lot at one time.” 

Jeongin shook his head. “No, Channie-hyung helped a lot.”

The other four had long since finished their food, and the empty cups were now sat on the tray resting on the bedside table. 

“Hyungs?” Jeongin announced, voice small. They all gave their maknae their full attention. “Can we all cuddle tonight? I think I really need all of you right now.”

Half an hour later the boys were settled in under the comforter. Chan held one of Jeongin’s hands, Minho had his arm wrapped around Jeongin’s waist, Changbin’s hand rested against the back of his lower thigh comfortably, and Woojin let his hands rest against Jeongin’s shoulder. Their weight, contact, was reassuring and Jeongin found himself falling asleep faster than he had in a very long time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyy, this is complete shit and not even 1k, but uhhhhh I'm taking really long with thins next chapter and I'm on draft 3, so please forgive me and take this in return  
> Also, I don't think this needs any warning, but if YOU do, please let me know because I want all of you to feel safe when you read my work uwu I love you and happy new year, my love

Jisung was sat in Chan's lap, playing with Hyunjin's fingers. He had just finished an all nighter at the studio finishing a song so he was barely awake as he placed kisses to Hyunjin's fingertips and Chan ran warm hands through his hair. 

The three had been conversing until Jisung started dozing against Chan’s chest. So, instead, Hyunjin and Chan were conversing in whispers while Jisung received his much-wanted affection. He almost purred at the calm that surrounded him. 

He hadn't realized he had brought Hyunjin's hand to his mouth nor had he realized he'd began sucking on Hyunjin's thumb. It wasn't a conscious decision on his part, really, and he wasn't sure what could have caused him to do such a thing. Sucking on his own sleeves and hems and collars and thumb was one thing, but suddenly doing it to another person? It didn’t matter that it was his boyfriend, it still wasn’t something a grown man should be doing in his eyes. 

But, again, Jisung hadn't realized. He didn't realize when his eyes began to fall shut and he hummed quietly around the thumb in his mouth. He was, however, conscious of a warm hand making itself at home against his cold cheek. He opened his eyes to smile at Hyunjin and coo at the warmth his hand brought. But then he realized just what he was doing. 

He yelped at the sudden realization, practically jumping off of Chan's lap and away from Hyunjin's hand in a tizzy. He began apologizing profusely, tears gathering in his eyes and panic clawing at his throat. He didn't want Hyunjin mad at him. He really,  _ really _ didn't want Hyunjin mad at him. Jisung didn't want to get yelled at right now. He didn't want to get yelled at  _ ever _ (he'd been on the receiving end on a thousand too many verbal lashings and didn’t want to mess up this relationship like he had all the others) but he especially didn't want to get yelled at by  _ Hyunjin _ \-- sweet, angel Hyunjin. He was still apologizing profusely when Hyunjin shushed him gently. 

“Hey, now, angel,” he soothed, scooting forward on the couch and presenting his hands in a placating manner. “It's okay. Why don't you come sit back down, yeah?” 

Jisung looked hesitant, scared, but Hyunjin held out his arms wider for the younger. Jisung melted, a few tears sliding down his cheeks. He rubbed at them, feeling disgust for himself build-- why was he so damn emotional? He slinked slowly to stand in front of Hyunjin, embarrassed, not meeting the older's eyes. Hyunjin reached out slowly to grab Jisung, giving him ample time to pull away if he so chose, before pulling him into his lap. Hyunjin cradled Jisung to his chest, gently rocking him back and forth. 

“Hey, now,” Hyunjin cooed. “See? Everything is fine. We’re okay, no need to cry. Good boy, that’s it… Just breathe… Yeah, like that. Okay. I want you to understand that I really don't mind, baby,” Hyunjin admitted, running slim fingers though his hair. “It's okay, I'm not angry or disappointed with you. If sucking on my thumb is what you need, then so be it, yeah?” he hummed. “It isn’t too much or weird. Everyone has ways to cope, and sometimes self-comfort isn’t as successful as having someone else to comfort you.”

Jisung met Hyunjin's eyes with a frightened sort of reserve, as if dubious of the truth behind the statement. He had barely met the older's eyes when he looked back down again, nodding. 

Hyunjin raised his hand to be level with about the middle of Jisung’s chest. “Do you want my thumb back?”

Jisung chewed on him bottom lip harshly. On one hand, it would be really nice and it'd help him out a lot and he was stress and he still wanted to  _ cry _ . On the other, who just…  _ sucked _ on their partner's thumb like a baby? But also… Hyunjin said he didn't mind, right? Hyunjin wouldn't lie to him, would he? 

“Sungie,” he heard Hyunjin breathe as a thumb came to pull at his bottom lip, “don't chew on your lip, you might hurt yourself. C'mon.” 

Jisung released his lower lip and, perhaps against his better judgement, reached out for Hyunjin's hand and put his thumb in his mouth. Hyunjin giggled slightly mumbling a light, “ _ It tickles, _ ” before helping Jisung settle into his chest comfortably. He brought the hand wrapped around Jisung’s back up to pet his hair so Jisung was held more so in his chest than on his arm. 

Chan crawled closer to the pair on the couch and began rubbing out Jisung’s tense shoulders and back. Jisung mewled at all the attention, preening. He began to fall asleep in the warmth surrounding him. He sucked on the finger in his mouth, bringing his hands back up to cradle Hyunjin's hand. 

“You're so cute, my squirrel,” Hyunjin cooed, enjoying the rose that spread across his cheeks. He looked more relaxed than he had in over a week and Hyunjin felt a bit proud that he could aid in that. He know it obviously wasn't all him, but still. It felt nice to have your partner content, relaxed. 

“Can I sleep?” he whispered around the thumb in his mouth, tears of unwarrented frustration building in his eyes. 

“Rest, baby,” Chan whispered, “you’ve worked so hard today. Rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You had all better mcfreaking love me becaue this is 11k. Yeet.  
> This chapter was requested by the lovely: Optimisticat (MsGoodDay) ; I'm sorry it wasn't quite what you requested, but this is draft 4 and Imma choke if I have to rewrite this damn thing again....  
> This is complete and utter shit but it's also part one of two so uhhh.... don't stone me yet...? ((This is the light version, the next one is gonna be ANGST if I can get my shit together))  
> I tried to keep some lighter themes in this one because I know some people don't like when it's strictly hurt/comfort, which I definitely understand so uhhhhhh I tried????  
> I don't think there are any warnings I need to put for this one??? But pls let me know if I need to put one????

Today, it was Minho’s turn to work with their new choreographer (whom he had not yet met) one-on-one for their upcoming album. Minho knew this and would have been excited had he not woken feeling sick, a bad feeling accompanying the unrest of his stomach. Woojin smiled at him pityingly when he caught on to Minho’s discomfort and making a bland soup for Minho to have in lieu of the extra-spicy kimchi stew Felix had begged him to make the night before. Minho had spoken his thanks and practically collapsed into Woojin’s side when the eldest ran a hand through his hair. Woojin laughed it off and placed a kiss to his temple, figuring it was the lack of sleep Minho had gotten the previous night making him so clingy.

It wasn’t. The closer it came time for him to leave the clingier he got, this time to Chan. He sat next to Chan-- well, sat? Not really. More like he curled up in his chair and put his head in Chan’s lap, hiding his face in the leader’s relaxed stomach as he tried to settle his nerves. One down, one to go, Minho thought as he got rid of the sick feeling. Chan kept a hand in Minho’s hair as he ate and spoke with the others at the table, trying not to make Minho’s behavior into a huge deal in front of the others though he couldn’t stop the occasional worried glance that landed on the younger. Chan did his best to keep their attention off of him as well, knowing Minho wouldn’t appreciate it in this state.

Once Chan had finished his food, he announced he was going to help Minho get ready to leave (the bundle in his stomach tightened and his shoulders hunched against his will). He gently coerced Minho up and into his bedroom. Chan closed the door behind them and let the younger fall back into his chest.

“Minho, baby,” Chan whispered, letting Minho bury his face into the crook of the leader’s neck. “What wrong, sweetheart? Talk to me.”

Minho shook his head, sniffling though there were no tears and pulling away, rubbing at tired eyes. “Nothing, it’s nothing. Just dumb nerves.”

Chan nodded. “Nerves isn’t just nothing,” he reminded, brushing the almost-too-long hair out of Minho’s eyes, “but I hear you. Is there anything causing it?” Minho shrugged, letting his eyes fall closed and body fall into Chan’s. (Minho knew Chan was braced for it. Minho knew Chan would never let any of them fall.) “Okay, well you’ve still got an hour until you have to leave so do you--”

“Shower with me?” Minho requested in a whisper.

It almost startled Chan, the request. It wasn’t unlikely that any two or three of them showered together (to conserve water, to make sure no one fell over after a tiring event, because they couldn’t stand to be alone in that moment, because of worry, because they just could) but usually Minho was the one being asked by another and not the one asking. Minho didn’t ask to shower with the two eldest (or any of them, really, but the younger members had yet to catch on to that) unless something was-- or was about to be-- extremely wrong. Yes, Chan and Woojin invited him and he’d never say ‘no,’ but he himself did not ask for it unless he felt unsafe.

“Yes, baby, of course,” Chan returned almost immediately.

If the reply was hesitant or too delayed, Minho would retract his request and not let anyone go in with him. The last time that had happened, Minho came out of the shower with red-rimmed eyes and scratches all over his body before he locked himself in his room where he stayed for the next day and a half with the door blocked so they couldn’t get in even with the key. It wasn’t that he had tried to get back at them or came to resent them for a while after he was ‘rejected’ but more that he figured no one would want to deal with him, so he dealt with it himself and avoided any questions that arose from the episodes. Just like he had when he lived in Gimpo. When he was a backup dancer. When he was a trainee. Just like he always had.

Minho nodded into the leader’s shoulder before pulling away and hugging himself, eyes downcast. “And could I--?” He shook his head, mumbling a short _‘nevermind’_ before dropping to his knees and untying one of his bundles.

“Hey,” Chan tried gently, crouching next to his partner and putting a hand on his reddened cheek and guiding Minho to look at him. “Whatever you wanted to ask, it’s okay. I’m listening and I’m not going to get mad.”

Minho took in a deep breath, nodding, before turning back to another bundle where he grabbed the rest of his change of clothes. He didn’t want to ask anymore. Minho tied the bundle and put it back where it belonged, standing. Chan followed after slowly, not wanting to overwhelm Minho. Chan moved over to Woojin’s drawers and grabbed some of his clothes to change into after the shower, observing the way Minho’s fingers clenched and unclenched around the fabric in his arms. He came up behind the younger and back hugged him, weaving his fingers through one of Minho’s hands. He could feel Minho’s irregular breathing against his chest and he pulled Minho tighter.

“Breathe,” he instructed. “Like we always practice. Inhale, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four, five. Release, two, three, four, five, six. Again, inhale, two--” The instructing continued, Chan’s voice even and gentle next to Minho’s ear as Minho tried his best to match Chan’s pace. It took a while, but Minho finally matched his breathing and his shoulders fell slowly with the releasing tension. “That’s my kitten,” Chan praised, “good job.” Minho let his head fall back onto Chan’s shoulder as he took in one long, deep breath and released it.

“Can we just-- can we go shower now?”

Chan hummed in affirmation, not letting go of Minho as they walked to the bathroom. Chan locked the door behind that and sat Minho on the toilet lid as he fiddled with the temperature. Minho stripped before pulling his legs to his chest and waiting for Chan to finish. Chan left a kiss to Minho’s forehead before undressing himself and helping Minho into the steaming shower. Chan positioned him under the warm stream and Minho shuddered, eyes falling closed. Chan’s thumb rubbed over Minho’s cheekbone carefully.

“How have you been lately, baby?” Chan questioned, stepping closer when Minho began to lean forward. He didn’t want Minho to fall over and the floor tended to get slick when the shower was hot, even with the texturing.

Minho tried his best to smile, eyes opening once again. “I’ve been great, you know that. It’s just this morning’s got me all wired.”

Chan frown disapprovingly. “That doesn’t work on me, Minho, and you know it.”

Minho kept his smile though the corners of his lips twitched. “‘M not lying, hyung. Everything’s good.”

“ _Minho--_ ”

“Hyung, really, please,” Minho pleaded, tears welling up and voice thick even as he kept the shaky smile on his face. “Please. Just… leave it. I just want to shower and get the choreo over with.”

Chan let out a breath, allowing the wall to be put up. “Okay,” Chan whispered. “Okay, I’ll leave it alone. But remember, hyung is always here for you.” Minho nodded and the tears began to fall with fervor, the tears quickly turning to breathy sobs. Chan shushed him gently, holding the younger. “Hey, hey, I’m here. You can feel me, you can hear me, listen to my heartbeat. Yeah, there you go… It’s okay to cry, let it out, it’s okay, I’m here for you, I’ve got you… You can fall, it’s okay, I’m going to catch you… My sweet Minho, my sweet angel… You’re doing so well. Choreo will be over with soon, then you can come home and I’ll be here for you again.”

Minho’s took in shuddering breaths, trying to calm himself as he clung to the leader. It took a while, but his breathing did even out and he calmed the tears. Minho pulled away and cleared his throat.

“There we are, baby boy,” Chan cooed, placing a soft kiss to his forehead. Minho hummed, wiping at his cheeks and sniffling. “Is it okay if I wash you? Then we can finish up and we’ll relax until you have to leave?” Minho nodded, rubbing at one of his eyes.

 

He arrived in the dance room they were using early and almost jumped when he noticed the choreographer was already there. The bundle of nerves in his stomach tightened, and he felt sick once more but pushed it away. He bowed, greeting the young woman with a smile. She bowed in return, introducing herself as Minji.

“Would you like to get started now since you’re already here?” she hummed. Minho nodded, placing his bag next to her own and pulling out Changbin’s laptop. It had the track on it and his was the only one of 3RACHA’s laptops he knew how to operate. Damn Macbooks. “I’ve heard great things about your choreography and dance skills, so I’m really looking forward to working with you, Minho-ssi.”

Minho bowed at the compliment. “That’s too kind of you,” he returned, “but thank you. I hope I don’t disappoint.” Minji shook her head, warm smile making her face glow.

As he was pulling up the program with the song on it, the dance room’s door slammed open, then closed. Minho’s head jerked up and he gasped when he saw who it was. He jumped to his feet and bowed low, stuttering out a greeting.

“Lee Minho-ssi,” the intruder gruffed from beside the table to the left of the door, “a word.” Minho nodded, not meeting their eyes. He walked over to see what had been thrown down onto the table. Three pages full of comments, screenshotted and cropped to optimize the space available.

Minho’s eyes flickered up to meet the person’s eyes in confusion before they flicked back to the papers in front of him. “This is unacceptable. You had better fix this and fix it soon. Do not make me regret my decision of letting you join Stray Kids or I will make your life hell. Do you understand me?”

Minho felt his body tense. “Yes, JYP-nim,” he whispered. JYP left as quickly as he had come and Minho allowed himself to read some of the comments plastered on the pages.

_Lee Know really disappointing us with that new choreo. lame. sloppy. poor footwork. cmon my baby sister could do better…_

_Maybe minho should just go back to being a backup dancer 🙄_

_he’s obv not good enough why is he here? shouldn’t he have left with the mnet show??_

_He was better as a shadow apparently. ig he’s a one hit wonder, i mean, where’s the hellavator choreo? now_ that _was good._

_lee know needs to reassess what he’s doing in the industry bc he can’t sing, rap, be a visual, or dance, apparently. how’d he get into jyp anyway? does he know somebody? i mean, i dont think jyp would be dumb enough to let a disaster like minho into his company._

_minho is really disappointing. i thought he was smth special but i guess once a gimpo idiot, always a gimpo idiot…_

_Why is lee know the main dancer when felix n hyunjin exist??? rlly someone needs to fix this smh…_

“Minho-ssi?” Minji called hesitantly, hand landing gently on Minho’s shoulder.

Minho jumped and gasped, forgetting he was alone. His eyes met hers, wide and wet. “O-Oh,” he breathed. “I’m sorry. Um-- let me get up the music.”

Minji frowned. “Listen,” she began, “what JYP-nim just did was pretty harsh. What the public says can’t be controlled and, as a former idol himself, he should understand that. To focus on a few negative comments in a sea of positive ones is kind of shitty. If… If you need to go back to the dorms or something, I understand. We can do this tomorrow. That was… kind of a lot.”

Minho smiled, bowing shallowly. “No, no, I’m fine,” he lied, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “Why don’t I get that song up…” He walked back over to the laptop, kneeling in front of it and trying to ignore the way his fingers shook as he type in the file name. Minji sighed quietly, shaking her head, before she knelt next to him. He pulled up the track and paused it, clearing his throat.

“So, the vibe is a punk-rock, but the message is self-help,” he began to explain roughly, the growing pain in his stomach becoming increasingly distracting. “Um… Chan-hyung like to include the new dances because he thinks it lightened the severity of the songs without taking away from it. Felix likes there to be an opportunity where we don’t necessarily have to follow the choreo to a T since it allows us a bit of wiggle room, a-a time to goof off without being sloppy about it. Erm… Hyunjin enjoys when there’s a sort of complexity to the bridge--to challenge us and the audience or cover-dancers. He thinks it builds character.” Minho cleared his throat again, thinking. (With comments like that, no wonder JYP had requested they consult a choreographer. I mean, they always did, but he was making them collaborate more than consult and now it made sense.) “A-Anyway, that’s the type of things we’re thinking about when we… go into songs for the first time.”

“What do you look for?” she inquired.

Minho looked taken aback. “Pardon?”

“When you are planning the choreography in your head, what are the highlight things _you_ look for?” she rephrased.

Minho frowned. “I just… named what I look for,” he replied, voice and scrunched face displaying his confusion.

She hummed. “That’s interesting,” she mumbled.

Before Minho could ask what she meant by that, she requested he play the song. He nodded and let it run, copying her in closing his eyes. He followed the bass line carefully, looking first for where Felix’s freedom would come in. When he played it the second time, he looked for Chan’s silly dance in the melody of the second verse before his ears caught the bridge and listened to the way the counter-melody popped out at that part-- that was where the complexity would lie. The bass line was too slow and the melody too “bland” for  the complexity Hyunjin expected.

“Do you need to hear it again?” he questioned, glancing at her before his eyes returned to the laptop.

“Can we listen to the second half once more?” she requested. He hummed and did as she asked. As the last note rang out, she huffed, face contorting in thought. “How do you and your team feel about acrobatics?”

 

Minho returned to his lovers seven hours later, drenched in sweat and shoulder muscles aching. He was greeted with the ever-excited maknae line and he smiled at them, granting kisses to those who puffed out their lips. Jisung looked over the moon at being kissed first and he fell into Seungmin dramatically who laughed it off and pushed at his hyung playfully. Seungmin got a sweet kiss as well, Minho’s hand lingering on the younger’s cheek with a sweet smile even as his bag felt heavy with the weight of the hidden pages of criticism. He had brought them home to look over and take notes on how he could improve, then they would be thrown away and he wouldn’t obsess over them, he promised himself. That was all.

Felix began to tug on his wet t-shirt with a playful whine, asking why _he_ hadn’t gotten a kiss yet. Minho cooed at his sunshine, peppering kisses over his freckled cheeks before landing on Felix’s lips. Felix giggled into the kiss sweetly, smile blinding as he pulled away. Jeongin was next, braces hidden behind the shy smile. Minho grabbed Jeongin’s chin lightly, lifting it so he could see when Minho tapped his lips with his pointed finger.

Jeongin grinned and shoved himself onto his tiptoes as he pecked Minho’s lips.

Minho pouted playfully. “I don’t get a real kiss, Innie?” he complained, looping his arms around the youngest.

“Ack! Hy _ung_!” he squealed. “You’re all sweaty!”

Minho nuzzled Jeongin’s cheek with his sweaty hair. “But Innie! I need a real kiss before I can go shower!” Jeongin sighed playfully, as though he were debating how much it was really worth before tugging on the back of Minho’s shirt. Minho smiled brightly as he pulled away from the maknae. Jeongin mocked Minho’s gesture of tapping his lips. Minho laughed quietly before swooping in for a long, sweet kiss.

Jeongin had to pull away first, unable to pull in enough air to continue the kiss. Minho ran his knuckles along Jeongin’s jaw, coercing the maknae into raising his head a bit more. His hyung couldn’t stop the widening smile as he leaned forward to place a cute kiss on the maknae’s nose.

“Aigoo,” Minho cooed. “My little maknae. My sweet little Innie, lets his hyung do whatever he wants, doesn’t he? Aish, I’ve got the cutest maknae.”

“ _Hyung_ ,” Jeongin laughed, blush painting his cheeks. Minho laughed louder, happy with the reaction, and placed one last peck on his lips before opening his arms to Hyunjin.

The other boys left him and Hyunjin alone, and Hyunjin felt gratitude raise in his throat. “Hi, hyung,” Hyunjin whispered as he moved into Minho’s arms, uncaring of the sweat drenching his hyung.

“Hello, my prince,” Minho whispered back, leaning in to kiss him sweetly. He pulled back after a few seconds. “How is my baby doing?”

Hyunjin hummed. “Better now that hyung is home. I didn’t get to say goodbye to you this morning,” he pouted, initiating the kiss this time. Minho hummed into the kiss, pressing harder. Hyunjin brought a hand to Minho’s cheek, soft fingers ghosting over Minho’s heated cheeks. Hyunjin pulled back. “Which means I get a nice and long hello.”

Minho smiled, placing a kiss to Hyunjin’s temple. “Hello,” he mocked, winking. Hyunjin let out a laugh and rolled his eyes.

“Minho-hyung,” he sighed, “what ever will I do with you?”

Minho hummed, twisting his face into a faux-contemplative look before he gasped with an idea, snapping. “I’ve got it!” Hyunjin raised an eyebrow in interest. “Kiss me silly?”

Hyunjin laughed. “I think that’s a wonderful idea,” he agreed, pecking his lips once, twice, thrice, before pulling away, “but I think you’ve got others you need to greet and a shower you need to take.”

Minho hummed. “Fine, then. Join me?”

Hyunjin nodded, pulling away completely and guiding Minho to the kitchen. “I’ll grab us both a change of clothes. Meet me in Channie-hyung’s bathroom?”

Minho nodded, leaving one last kiss to Hyunjin’s temple before entering the kitchen. Changbin looked up from the notebook in front of him when a hand landed in his hair. “Hey, Binnie,” Minho cooed quietly.

Changbin smiled brightly. “Welcome back home, hyung,” he cooed, tugging Minho down for a kiss. Minho obliged, leaving a sweet kiss to his lips. Before Minho could pull completely away, Changbin pulled him back in. “Hyung didn’t say goodbye to me this morning and now hyung won’t kiss me properly?” He feigned hurt. “I think the world is ending.”

Minho chuckled, initiating a longer… more _intimate_ kiss. Changbin moaned quietly into the kiss, and Minho kitten licked into the younger’s mouth. Minho moved down to the underside of Changbin’s jaw, the younger’s head thrown all the way back to give Minho more room. Changbin gasped when he felt teeth graze against his adam’s apple and jerked his arm out to grab Minho’s hand. Minho chuckled, the vibrations against his neck only making his gasp again. Minho pulled away once again with a hum.

“Is that better,” he whispered, “ _baby boy?_ ”

Changbin whined, blush rising on his cheeks. “Hyung, really,” he breathed.

Minho laughed quietly, pecking Changbin’s lips. “I love you, Changbinnie.”

“I love you, too, hyung,” Changbin replied, smiling.

“Do I get a kiss, too, or do I have to kick you out of my kitchen?”

“Awww,” Minho cooed, “is Woojinnie-hyung jealous? Hyung knows I’ll give him as many kisses as he wants.”

Woojin snorted, rolling his eyes and drying his hands on the rag next to the stove. “C’mere, you rat.” Minho snickered, slinking over to his hyung. Woojin brushed Minho’s bangs back, smiling fondly at the younger before placing a soft kiss to the crown of Minho’s head. Minho smiled back just as sweetly. “Did my baby have a good day?” Woojin asked, running his fingers over Minho’s cheekbone.

Minho’s smile widened. _No. It hurt_. “Of course. I got to dance all day.”

“You didn’t work yourself too hard?”

Minho shook his head. “No, hyung. We’re looking into some acrobatics for our next song, though, so the choreographer I was working with was helping me learn the moves in case we wanted to incorporate it, so my shoulders are just a bit tense, that’s all. But it was fun. She helped with my form a lot, too.”

“Oh, it’s a woman?” Wojin inquired. They hadn’t had a female dance coach in a while…

Minho nodded. “She’s got a little boy, five years old, and he came to eat lunch with us. Aigoo, he was so cute! He knew who I was, hyung, and he got so excited! He kept showing off his dances to me, it was the cutest.”

Woojin hummed, smiling. “I bet you were cuter,” he hummed, kissing the tip of his nose.

Minho giggled, moving forward to hug Woojin. Woojin held him tightly, broader body enveloping the younger in a secure bear hug. Minho let out a content sigh, relaxing further into his hyung’s arms. He was safe. Here was safe. Home was safe. Woojin just tightened his grip further. Minho felt tears of gratitude well in his eyes, but he pushed them away. There was no need to alarm anyone.

Woojin didn’t loosen his hold until Minho began to pull away. Woojin never pulled away first because Woojin never knew how long his lovers needed the hug and he wasn’t about to take that comfort from them because _he_ thought they’d been hugging long enough. Minho reached up to peck his lips once again.

“Thank you, hyung,” Minho whispered.

Woojin hummed back in affirmation, kissing the younger’s cheek. “Now, go find Channie. He’s probably in his room.”

“No, Chan-hyung left for the gym a little while ago. Said he’d be back in an hour or so,” Changbin corrected.

Minho tried to ignore the sadness that filled his stomach as he smiled and thanked Changbin. He announced he was going to shower before slipping out of the kitchen. He joined Hyunjin (who was already in the shower) quickly, slipping under the stream of scalding water with a gasp.

“I forgot you shower in _lava_ ,” Minho hissed as his body got acclimated to the temperature. Hyunjin snorted, eyes closed as he pulled Minho into his chest. “Aigoo,” Minho sighed, cupping Hyunjin’s neck. Hyunjin hummed in confusion at the exclamation. “I just got a wave of fondness for my prince,” Minho admitted, voice dripping with raw emotion as his heart tugged painfully against his chest.

Hyunjin opened his eyes to stare at Minho, not sure if he was joking, but the moment he saw the look on Minho’s face, he melted. “Hyung’s so cheesy,” he played it off even as he pulled Minho in for a soft kiss. Minho moved his arms so one was circling his waist and the other was cupping the back of Hyunjin’s head. Hyunjin pulled away with a soft _click_ , and he smiled lightly, eyes staying closed. “But I suppose I’ve always been a sucker for cheesy.”

“And I, Hwang Hyunjin,” Minho breathed, moving forward, breath ghosting over Hyunjin’s lips, “have always been a sucker for you.”

Hyunjin felt his knees go weak. “Kiss me?”

 

The water was long since cold by the time they exited the shower, but Hyunjin had massaged the pain out of Minho’s shoulders and he no longer felt gross and dirty from a build-up of sweat. Chan was also home by the time Minho and Hyunjin got out of the shower and Minho ran up to him, throwing his arms around the older.

“Hi, hyung,” he whispered into Chan’s neck.

“Hey, kitten,” Chan whispered back, kissing Minho’s shoulder. “How was your day? Are you feeling better?”

Minho hummed. “I got to play with the choreographer’s son at lunch. He’s really good at dancing, and he had stars in his eyes when he saw who his mom was working with.”

“The kid’s got good taste.”

Minho snorted and rolled his eyes. “Sure, Jan,” he sighed.

Chan laughed back, pulling back slightly and having Minho pick up his head. He pecked Minho’s lips. “You’re cute.”

Minho hummed. “You’re cuter.”

Chan shook his head and moved in for a longer kiss. “No, I don’t think that’s true,” he mumbled against Minho’s lips. Minho sighed when Chan reattached their lips, head tilting slightly so he could get closer. Minho mewled quietly when Chan licked at Minho’s bottom lip. Chan hummed, slipping his tongue into Minho’s mouth and enjoying the way the younger became placid under his touch. Chan chuckled, pulling away.

“If that’s how you react when I don’t agree with your compliments, I think I’m gonna start denying them more often,” Minho breathed, eyes still closed.

“If you keep denying my compliments, you won’t get kissed like that,” Chan cut back with a grin, leaning in close enough that their lips just barely caressed each other’s . “Now, who’s my cute little kitten?” Chan inquired, nosing at Minho’s cheek. Minho let out a breathy whine, pushing forward in hopes of finding Chan’s lips. Chan put a finger between their lips, preventing them from touching. “I do believe asked you a question, baby,” Chan returned. “Who’s my cute little kitten?” he asked again, watching the blush on Minho’s cheeks deepen.

“ _Hyung,_ ” he whined, not enjoying the lack of contact.

“I don’t think that’s the answer to my question, baby.”

Minho whimpered, pulling at Chan’s arm in hopes of getting a kiss. Minho groaned in frustration. “ _Me_ ,” he squeaked, exasperated. “I’m your cute little kitten, now _please_ kiss me.”

Chan hummed in thought. “I suppose since you’ve been such a good boy…” The finger blocking them removed itself and Minho sighed, surging forward.

 

The next morning, Felix, Hyunjin, and Minho met up with Minji, her little boy resting on her hip with his thumb in his mouth and head against Minji’s shoulder sleepily. Felix gasped when he saw the little boy in superhero pajamas, cooing lightly.

“Hyung,” he squealed quietly, “he really is the cutest!”

Minji laughed when she heard that and Minho nodded in agreement.

“What’s his name?” Hyunjin asked quietly, watching the kid blink drowsily. He looked like Jisunggie when he was on the border of asleep and awake, Hyunjin thought fondly.

“Kisoo,” she responded fondly, bouncing him steadily on her hip. “He got so excited when he heard I was working with you three and begged me to bring him with me. He’s well-behaved and won’t interrupt us if we aren’t on break, but if that’s not alright, I can bring him down to the daycare room. I just wanted him to be able to say good morning, at least.”

Hyunjin shook his head. “No, he’s welcome to stay!” he assured quickly, not able to break his gaze away from Kisoo.

“Would you like to hold him?” she asked softly, a soft smile on her face.

Hyunjin looked startled, but Felix nudged him lightly and he nodded eagerly. She spoke to Kisoo gently in another language (it wasn’t English and it wasn’t Korean-- obviously-- but it sounded vaguely familiar… German, perhaps?). The young boy perked up, nodding excitedly though there was still sleep clouding his eyes. He reached out to Hyunjin and Hyunjin took him carefully. Kisoo settled on his hip easily, squirming for a moment to find a good position before resting his head on Hyunjin’s broad shoulder.

“Hyunjin-ssi is waaarm,” he drawled around his thumb in slightly-accented Korean. “Fall ‘sleep.” Hyunjin cooed at the boy quietly, lulling him to sleep with gentle rocking.

“You’re very good with children, it seems,” Minji laughed quietly, reaching out to run a hand through her son’s hair. “A little brother, perhaps?”

Hyunjin shook his head. “My aunt had her first kid seven or so years ago. Since then, she’s had four more, and before I came to JYP, I was her babysitter. I’ve always loved kids and she’s always worked a lot, especially evening shifts, so I did a lot of overnight babysitting as well. I have… a lot of experience with kids, and they have taught me more than adults ever could. I love them so much.”

She hummed fondly, crouching down to unroll a sleeping mat and blanket for the boy in the corner next to a mini space-heater. He laid Kisoo down gently, smiling at her in thanks for allowing him to hold her child. She shook off the gratitude and they both joined Minho and Felix in stretching.

 

Minho was three hours into helping Minji teach Hyunjin and Felix the acrobatics they were planning to add into the choreography, and Minji felt a bit frustrated that they only really seemed to understand what she was trying to get them to do when Minho explained it to them. Was she doing a poor job at explaining it, or was Minho just that in tune with how they needed to learn it? She tried to push away the frustration, assuming that they weren’t the type of people to just block their instructors out.

Minho caught on to the mother’s growing aggravation and called for a ten minute break (their first break since they started). “Hey,” Minho called quietly, catching her gently by the bicep. She turned curious eyes on him. “It isn’t you. They just aren’t familiar with the whole third party thing, but they’re really trying.”

She smiled in gratitude, feeling relief flood her stomach. “I get it,” she hummed, “I mean, my dance crew back in high school was the same way. We could only understand instructions from, like, four people in our crew. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, it just… clicked when they were the ones teaching it.” Her smile fell a bit. “I don’t understand why JYP-nim is doing this to you boys; you aren’t having any trouble with this whole creating choreography thing. It seems counterproductive to put someone new in the mix when you boys are already a well-oiled machine.”

Minho smiled tightly, feeling his chest tighten in self-disgust. He leaned down and grabbed his water bottle, taking a swig before shrugging. “I mean, I get it. An outside opinion can be nice, sometimes.” It has never been nice-- most choreographers he’d consulted were snobbish and felt Minho and his boys were merely children that had too much to learn. He’d hated consulting choreographers in previous dances. That is, previous. Minji, it seemed, understood where the boys were coming from and was genuinely curious in their thought processes.

Just them, Kisoo ran up to Minji, tugging on the edge of her sweaty shirt. “Mommy!” he whispered excitedly. Minji crouched to her son’s level, spreading her legs so Kisoo could get closer and whisper in her ear.

“Oh?” she hummed. “You made something for them?” Hyunjin, from over by his bag, perked up, eyes finding the child quickly as Kisoo nodded excited. “Well, why don’t you go grab it and we’ll show it to them together?” Kisoo nodded and waddled off the his corner, grabbing a few pieces of printer paper and hopping back over to his mother.

Hyunjin nudged Felix lightly and genstured to the kid. Felix nodded and stood with Hyunjin, both of them flanking Minho, mocking the eldest’s crouch. “What do you have there, Kisoo-yah?” Minho asked gently, voice soft. It reminded Felix of the way Minho spoke when his little brother was on the phone.

Kisso scuffed his foot against the dance floor cutely, holding out three too-big pieces of paper in his tiny hands. Minho took them, each having a name written on top. Felix’s was written in romanized letters while the others’ were in hangul, and Minho handed them out. Each looked different, but there was a startling accuracy in the five-year-old’s drawings. They were block-ish figures of the boys mid-movement. They were freeze-framed dance moves, Minho realized after a few seconds and he heard Hyunjin’s amazed _‘wah’_ from behind him. Felix looked up with wide eyes.

“Kisoo-yah,” Felix gasped, “this is so cool! You’re so good at drawing!” The proportions were impeccable and, though it wasn’t realistic _body_ shapes, it mimicked an animator’s rough draft with cones and spheres and rectangles and such, marking where things should be.

“Wah~!” Hyunjin breathed again. “ _Daebak!_ ” Kisoo blushed, lacing his fingers together and staring at the ground as his body twisted back in forth. “I’m going to hang this up in my room!” he exclaimed happily, reaching out and ruffling the boy’s hair.

“Me, too,” Minho and Felix added at the same time, causing the boy to giggle and look up, a toothy, bright smile on his face, puffy cheeks pushing up into his bright eyes. He quickly leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Minho’s neck and placing a sloppy kiss to his cheek before running back to his corner, giggling happily.

Minho grinned at the affection he had received, staring after the boy fondly. Minji did the same thing. “You know, he really admires you all,” she mumbled, tone soft as she turned back to the three dancers. “When we moved here last year, I was afraid he’d have a hard time, but we didn’t really have a choice, you know? He saw you all on television and… he’s been smitten ever since. He wants to be a dancer and artist and wants to have freckles and this and that. Without even knowing him, you three changed his life for the better. He was… _terrified_ when we first came over. Wouldn’t go out, wouldn’t eat Korean food, things like that. Until he saw you all. So… thank you. For changing my son’s life.”

Hyunjin felt the first tear fell, and sniffled, brushing at his cheeks.

Minji looked alarmed. “I’m sorry! Please don’t cry!”

Minho laughed, shaking his head. “Hyunjin’s just cries easily,” he assured, “it’s nothing. He’s just really happy.” Hyunjin nodded in agreement, fanning at his eyes in hopes of keeping the tears away. Minji nodded in understanding. “C’mon, Jinnie, we’ve got to get back to practice.”

Hyunjin nodded, wiping at his cheek once again as he let Felix take the picture from his hands and put them by their bags along with Minho’s picture.

 

There was another ten minutes of peace, the boys back to practicing at full intensity when the door to the practice room was opened, Felix mid-flip, and the door shut just as Felix landed it. However, the sudden noise startled Felix and he squeaked, losing his balance. Hyunjin caught him before he could go down, luckily, and they bowed as JYP walked in.

Kisoo squealed happily. “Halabeoji!” he giggled, running over and hugging the man’s legs.

“Kisoo-ie,” he hummed, leaning down to pick  up the young boy. “Aigoo, you’re getting so big now!” Kisoo nodded happily, placing a kiss to JYP’s cheek.

“Halabeoji, I got to meet my role-models!”

“Oh? And where did you learn such a big word like that?”

“Mommy taught me it!”

“Such a smart mommy,” JYP cooed, ruffling the boy’s hair. The three dancers spared each other shocked looks at the gentle demeanor of their boss. Was this the same man who had eliminated two of the three dancers in the room? “And who are your role models?”

Kisoo pointed at the three dancers. “Hyunjin-hyung and Felix-hyung and Minho-hyung. _Especially_ Minho-hyung,” he explained surely. “Minho-hyung is the bestest dancer in the whole wide world!” He threw his arms out dramatically before he froze, frowning. “Wait. Best dancer in the whole wide world… after mommy.”

JYP hummed in understanding. “Well, why don’t you take Hyunjin-ah and Felix-ah and go get a drink so I can talk with Minho and your eomma?” Kisoo nodded happily, and Hyunjin and Felix glanced at Minho worriedly. Minho shook his head and motioned for them to follow Kisoo. They followed his instructions hesitantly, frowning, but left him alone with the other two people in the room.

JYP crossed his arms once the door had closed. “Minji-yah, how is the choreography coming along?”

“Sir, can I have permission to speak frankly?” JYP nodded, and she sighed. “I don’t think these boys need the guidance you want me to provide, honestly. I can’t help but believe it was previous choreographers that hindered their performances. They are hesitant to suggest some things due to being repeatedly rejected by previous coaches when the ideas, quite frankly, are imaginative and display thought, talent, and depth. I suggested we try to incorporate some sort of acrobatics, as you artist sometimes tend to do and similar to what they had done pre-debut. Minho-ssi revealed to me that they have tried to incorporate such things since, but they are shot down by their coaches, thus leaving a bland move in what could have been extraordinary.”

She shook her head, frowning. “I think what these boys need more than someone to guide their thoughts and keep eyes on them is someone who will let them experiment. They’re clever boys, _especially_ Minho-ssi, but they aren’t given the proper opportunities to express that. Their creativity is stunted and, as an idol group who got popular on creating their own music and choreo? That’s not going to raise popularity. At all.”

JYP pursed his lips, thinking about what step to take next. He grunted. “Lee Minho, you are to construct this choreo on your own and with the help of Minji-yah _only_. If this works out, there won’t be an issue. Do not disappoint me. Do not make me show you what happens when you disappoint me.”

There was a knock on the door and he opened it, not letting the pair in the room say a word before greeting Kisoo happily, as if nothing had happened. Hyunjin and Felix moved over to Minho quickly, speaking in hushed tones as they checked up on him. He grabbed their hands.

“I’m fine, nothing happened. I’m okay, take a breath,” Minho coaxed gently. He watched the door to the room close behind JYP and sighed. “Everything is fine. He just said… that I had to write this choreo alone. I can’t… collab with you guys, I can only get feedback from Minji-ssi. I'm sorry”

They frowned but nodded. “You know we don't care about that stuff, hyung. But-- why is he singling you out?” Hyunjin questioned, brows furrowed.

Minho shrugged. “I’m not sure,” he lied. _Because I haven’t been good enough. I might not be here in a few months._ “I guess he just wants an eval or something.” He caught the way Minji frowned over his boys’ shoulders but ignored it, smiling through the pain.

His phone began to ring in the corner of the room and he excused himself. He felt his heart flutter when he saw it was his mother. Why would she be calling? She never called. He picked up the phone and greeted her.

“Lee Minho!” she began to scold immediately. “I go onto twitter to check on Stray Kids’ progress and _what do I see?_ My worthless son being scolded for his poor work! Aish! And you call yourself a dancer? The visual and the foreigner are doing better than you! What is _wrong_ with you?”

Minho felt his heart fall. This wasn’t a pleasantries call. Of course not. When was it ever?

“I’m sorry, Eomma,” Minho whispered. “I’ll do better, I promise, I’m trying to do better. I won’t disappoint you.”

“You had better not,” she scoffed. The line went dead.

“I love you,” he whispered into the buzzing. “I hope you’re doing well.”

He let his arm fall and phone drop onto his bag. He had to get better at this. For his mom. For his brother. For his dad. He could do this. He let his head fall for a moment before he took in a deep breath, plastered a smile onto his face, and twirled back to the room.

“Sorry about that. Mom just wanted to say ‘hi.’ Let’s get back to it, yeah? You’ve almost got the flip down.”

“Minho-hyung,” Felix cut in, biting his lower lip, eyes concerned. They had heard the call, heard his mom, and Minho knew it. Why was he avoiding it?

“I know you’re nervous about it, Lixie,” he dodged, “but you’re almost there. We’ve progressed a lot since we got here.” (He had to do this. He couldn’t let down his partners. He couldn’t let down his family. He had to do this, he had to make the dance perfect. He didn’t want to leave them, he didn’t want them to leave. He needed to do this.) Felix let out a breath. There was no way they were going to get to him to talk with a third party here so he let it drop for now. “Okay, so what we need to work on now is…”

 

Felix and Hyunjin went home with his prompting a few hours later, promising that he’d be home shortly after them. It was almost dinner and he still wasn’t anywhere close to where he wanted to be. Minji sat with her son on her lap, watching him and giving him pointers when his technique became sloppy. He had worked out the counts of the song, but he only had about ten seconds of choreography for the last play of the bridge and that was the flip and the transition in and out of it.

He was becoming overly frustrated. Nothing felt _right_. He’d been trying to perfect the first thirty seconds of the song, but it just wasn’t fitting together correctly. It was rough and the transitions were sloppy, but he couldn’t figure out why. Minji whispered to her son, asking him to get off of her lap so she could talk to Minho. She stood, thanking him and walking over to Minho, stopping him before he could run it again.

“Minho, listen,” she coaxed, voice gentle. Minho tore his eyes away from the mirror, panting harshly. “I know it isn’t going as smoothly as you want it to be, but you’ve got the general idea for the first chunk. Why don’t we put a pin in it, move to the next chunk, and rework it tomorrow with a fresh mind?”

Minho ran a shaky hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “Y-yeah. Yeah, no, that’s a good idea. I can always clean it up later,” he said, mostly to himself, eyes falling closed as he tried to even out his breathing. He began to whisper to himself. “I can always… always clean it up later and it’ll be fine. It isn’t the first time I’ve had to choreograph alone and I’ve got Minji-ssi, I’m not doing this alone. I’ll prove myself to Mom and to JYP-nim and to my boys. I’ll be okay. Everyone will be okay, I’m not going to let anyone down.” He took in one last deep breath before opening his eyes.

“Okay, okay, we’re good.”

“We are,” Minji agreed. “But I think it’s time for you to get home. We’ve been at this since eight and you’ve got to be dead. We’ve done a lot today, and you’ve done a lot for the song. I think you’d benefit from going back to the dorm, taking a shower, eating dinner, then _sleeping_.” Minho opened his mouth to protest and Minji felt absolutely no guilt for what she did next. “Kisoo would probably start crying if found out you weren’t taking care of yourself. He looks up to you a lot. Go home? For him?” No guilt. He needed sleep and his eyes were rimmed with black. If Kisoo was how she got through to him, then so be it.

Minho narrowed his eyes playfully. He knew this damn game. Chan like to pull this on him when he wasn’t leaving the practice room, too. “You’re lucky you’re his mom,” he grumbled, “otherwise that’d never work.” He huffed out a breath. “Fine, I’ll go home and shower and eat and sleep.”

Minji nodded, satisfied. “There we go,” she hummed. He rolled his eyes in faux annoyance before moving to his bag and packing up his stuff. “And you can call me noona, you know. There’s no need to be so formal, I’m only a few years older than you.” Minho hummed and nodded, zipping his bag and throwing it over his shoulder. He pulled his phone out, ready to check his messages as he did after every practice. “D’you want me to drive you back to your dorm? It’s getting chilly and I’m sure Felix and Hyunjin are getting worried since you’ve been gone so long.”

She knew.

He could hear it in her voice. She knew there was something more than bandmates. He froze for a moment, fear seizing him before he realized she’d done nothing to insinuate she’d treat them any differently. He cleared his throat and shook his head. “No, thank you. The walk will help clear my thoughts. Plus, I think you need to get your own little guy to bed. He looks exhausted.” She looked over at her kid practically bouncing off the walls, stopping his frantic jumping every few seconds to execute a dance move.

“Oh, yeah, definitely. He looks like he’s gonna pass out if we stay any longer,” she laughed, smiling. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then. I’m gonna get him packed up and head out.”

Minho nodded before moving over to the kid. He opened his arms for a hug, letting Kisoo know that he was going home. Kisoo left another kiddish kiss to his cheek and he chuckled before ruffling his hair. He took off after that and Minho took that as his queue to leave. He waved to Minji once more before heading out.

It was, in fact, fucking cold outside. It most _certainly_ wasn’t this cold when he’d left this morning. He shrugged it off after a while, though, knowing he’d acclimate quick enough. He kept walking ass he checked his notifications. He slid away all the ones from twitter, then the ones from instagram. He had three texts from Hyunjin and Felix each, asking him to come home soon. They’d been sent over an hour ago. He sent a message back, informing them he was on his way home now. He had a text from Woojin, asking what he wanted for dinner. It was from an hour and a half ago. He winced, guilty. He replied with a simple _I have no preference_.

From three hours ago, he had a text from… he had a text from his dad? Minho frowned as he clicked it. The last time he’d gotten a text from his (mute) father was when he debuted. His dad _hated_ texting and only texted when he had to. This, however, was a paragraph. Addressed to him in a letter format. He stepped off the sidewalk so he wouldn’t be in anyone’s way and began to read the message.

_My Minho,_

_I’m sorry I couldn’t stop your mother from speaking to you so harshly. I’m sorry I couldn’t ever stop your mother from speaking to you so harshly. I’m sorry I’ve let her treat you so harshly, all your life. It may be too late for me, and I understand if it is. I haven’t been the best father and I’m so sorry it took me so long to figure that out. I understand if you don’t want to forgive me for my ignorance. But please let me tell you this. I am so proud of you. You have come so far from my little Minnie trying out for Cube Ent., from my little baby Minnie holding his little brother in the hospital bed._

_I should have given you attention then. When you needed it. I’m sure you felt lonely. We gave everything you had to him and didn’t ask you if it hurt. Didn’t look to see if it had hurt you. You are so brave. You are so strong. I’ve watched you hold yourself together for twenty-one long years and it has been painful. Because I couldn’t gather the courage to help you. To speak up against your mother. To attempt to understand you. My little dancer, you don’t ever have to prove yourself to your parents because you already have. One hundred fold, you have proven yourself to us and I wish you didn’t feel that you needed to prove yourself to us. I watch you every time you come on TV, I watch each show you perform, each song you dance, each v-live you perform._

_And I hope you can feel my sincerity in this. I deserve neither your forgiveness nor your understanding, but I wanted you to know the truth. I came to your last show. I held a sign for you, I bought your lightstick, I cheered as best I could as a mute, old man. I hope you can believe me when I tell you I love you. I love you so much and it hurts my heart knowing I didn’t tell you that nearly enough. But I really do love you, Lee Minho._

_I hope you can forgive me,_

_Your Abeoji_

Minho felt himself choke on a sob, hand coming up to cover his masked mouth. Tears were falling quickly and he felt himself shiver violently. A car pulled up next to him on the sidewalk and the window rolled down.

“Minho-yah, are you sure you don’t want a ride?” Minji called, frowning. Minho looked up, startled, before he moved to open the door. There was no way he was getting home in this state. He closed the door and Minji turned the heat all the way up. “Aish, you were standing out there without a jacket? For how long? Why are you crying?”

Minho sniffled, pulling down his mask and rubbing at his eyes. “I-I’m sorry, I got a message from my dad and--” He choked on another sob and hiccuped, rubbing at the fresh tears. “Can you just bring me home?”

Minji nodded and began to floor it. They got to the dorm building quickly and Minho bowed in thanks, pulling up his mask and grasping his bag tightly. He jogged up to the dorm, locking the door behind him as more tears fell. Felix was on him immediately, making inquiry after inquiry as to why he was crying.

“Th-they’re good te-ears,” he hiccuped.

‘ _Good tears?_ ” Felix screached. “You’re in hysterics!”

“My dad,” he sniffled, unlocking his phone. “He messaged me.”

Felix took the phone and scanned over the message quickly. He felt his heart tug at the words. “Oh, hyung,” he breathed, pulling Minho into his arms. Hyunjin appeared, eyes wide at Minho’s state. Felix shook his head. “This is good tears. His dad.” Felix handed Hyunjin the phone.

Hyunjin gasped, eyes widening at the message. “Minho-hyung,” he breathed.

“‘M so happy,” he cried, clinging to Felix tightly. “So, _so_ happy.”

“Why don’t we go sit down?” Hyunjin suggested, pointing to the couch.

Minho nodded, pulling away. They settled together on the couch, Minho curled against both his boys. “I’m gonna call him,” he mumbled once he’d calmed down enough. Hyunjin nodded, petting through Minho’s hair gently. He dialed the number and waited for the line to click.

“A-Appa?” Minho called hesitantly. He heard a tap against the receiver. “Hi, Appa, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I called. I--uh, I got your text.” He laughed before clearing his throat. “I wanted to let you know… I never resented you for focusing on Sengjin. Never. He needed the attention more than me, anyway. There’s nothing for me to forgive, you know. I have nothing to forgive you for. I’m- I’m really glad you texted me, though. It means a lot. Like, a _lot_.” Minho cleared his throat and wiped at his eyes. “You’ve always been an awesome dad, I wish you could see that. And the loneliness meant nothing when it meant I got to see you and Sengjin smile.”

He heard two taps on the receiver. Minho hummed. “I’ve been well. Things have been busy though. I hope you’ll look forward to our next choreo. JYP-nim has me writing it myself.” There was frantic tapping against the receiver and Minho laughed. “There isn’t any reason to be mad at him, Appa, really. JYP-nim was doing his job, that’s all. Anyway, it should be fun, but it’s kind of intimidating, having to do it alone. Usually I have Felix and Hyunjin helping me out.”

There was five taps, then seven.

“Yeah, that’s them. Hyunjin is oldest 2000 line and Felix is the aussie.” There was a single tap. “But yeah,” Minho continued, “I hope you’re doing well at home, Appa. I’ll try to visit soon, yeah?” Another tap and Minho noticed Woojin motioning to the kitchen. He nodded, holding up a finger. “I need to go now, Woojin-hyung is calling for us to go eat.”

“I love you, Appa.”

Tip-tip. Tip, tap, tip-tip. Tap, tap, tap. Tip-tip-tip, tap. Tip. Tap, tip, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap. Tip-tip, tap.

Minho smiled widely. “Goodbye, Appa,” he whispered before ending the call.

Felix placed a kiss to Minho’s temple before they migrated to the table. He sat with Hyunjin and Felix on either side of him and he alternated leaning on both of them throughout dinner.

 

When he was done showering, Seungmin and Jeongin cornered him. He raised an eyebrow at the two maknaes standing outside of the shower.

“We want to cuddle with you,” Jeongin declared. “Chan-hyung said we can use his bed.” Minho snorted but nodded. He let them pull him to Chan’s room and onto Chan’s bed. He let them situate most of their bodies on top of him.

“What prompted this, if I may ask?” Minho asked gently, raising one of his hands so he could run his fingers through Seungmin’s hair as he stared up at the ceiling.

Seungmin shifted his head so that his chin was propped up on Minho’s chest. “You know we love you a lot, right, hyung?” he whispered.

Minho let his gaze fall to Seungmin, face scrunched in confusion. “Of course I do, angel,” he assured. Where had this come from?

Seungmin hummed. “That’s good because we really do. So Jeonginnie and I decided that we were going to show you.” Minho’s eyebrows raised at that. What? Seungmin nodded before both of them sat up. Seungmin moved so that he was sat on Minho stomach, straddling him in.

“Time to beginning,” Jeongin hummed in a faux-dramatic voice. Seungmin giggled but nodded either way, eyes falling to meet Minho’s.

“I love your hair, whatever color it may be, but I really love it when you have it black like this,” Seungmin began, running gentle fingers through his hair before dropping a kiss to the top of his head.

“Minnie--” Seungmin put a finger to his hyung’s lips, frowning.

“No, hyung, I’m talking.” Minho rolled his eyes but nodded. Seungmin’s smiled returned. “I love your ears and your cute piercings and the way you always get excited at a new pair of earrings.” He kissed the tips of both his ears. He found it endearing, the way they painted themself a rose color. “I love your nose and the way you love to boop our noses together at random times.” He touched the tips of their noses together with a smile before leaving a kiss there. “I love the way your cheeks bunch up when you smile. It’s so different from Jisunggie’s cheeks and they always get rosy when you’ve been smiling too much. And you like to rub our cheeks together just to hear me giggle because your skin is so soft it tickles.” Seungmin placed kisses to the apple of both his cheeks before letting his nose nudge at them playfully, causing Minho to giggle, making his cheeks even more prominent. “Yeah,” Seungmin whispered breathlessly, eyes full of adoration, “just like that.” The flush on Minho’s cheeks increased ten-fold and Seungmin couldn’t help but let his hand cup Minho’s cheek, thumb running over the soft skin delicately. Minho leaned into his hand, tilting it so he could kiss Seungmin’s palm.

“And I love the way your philtrum pushes out your upper lip because it’s so prominent. It gives you a full top lip and it’s the best to kiss.” Seungmin left a kiss to Minho’s lips. “Actually,” he corrected, “I just love your lips in general. They’re always so soft and when you smile, you smile with your teeth and it’s almost like you should have bunny teeth and you kind of do but _not quite_ and it’s so endearing.” He placed another kiss to Minho’s lips, longer this time. “And how every time you pout, you bottom lip puffs out without fail. It always makes me want to kiss you silly.” And another kiss to Minho’s lips. Minho smiled into the kiss, stars in his eyes as he stared at Seungmin.

“And your eyes. I could get lost in them, as cheesy as it sounds. A billion different shades of brown, you eyes are like the galaxies on Felix’s cheeks expect the galaxies in your eyes are just for us. We’re the only ones who can be close enough to see them twinkle, even on moonless nights where everything feels hopeless and maybe you feel a little dead. We get to watch those galaxies come alive as you dance or when you get recognized for something you’d done and you didn’t think anyone would have noticed. Or when you talk about your little brother and your eyes soften. And when you look at the hyungs with something a little more than friendly and the galaxies jump. Your eyes when they’re charcoal rimmed and all made up. When they’re makeup-less and raw. When there are no walls.” Seungmin kissed Minho’s forehead with all the tenderness he could muster and tears welled up in Minho’s eyes. “When you stare at us as though we’re the only things that have ever mattered. Those are the things I love about you, Lee Minho.”

A few tears fell and Seungmin took the utmost care in wiping them away. “I love you, hyung. So much. I would do anything for you. I don’t know what’s been wrong the last few days, but I hope you can find peace again really soon.” They had seen, Minho’s heart screamed, they had seen and they wanted to help. Minho’s heart tugged painfully in his chest as he let out a teary breath and pulled Seungmin down into his chest tightly.

“Oh, Seungminnie,” Minho whispered, peppering kisses against his temple. “You don’t have any idea how much this means, baby. Thank you so much.” Seungmin held him just as tightly, burying his face in Minho’s neck.

Minho pulled away after a few second and wiped at his eyes. “I’m sorry for getting so emotional, baby.” He laughed lightly. “ _God_ , you mean the world to me,” he breathed, cupping Seungmin’s face in his hands. He brought Seungmin down for a light kiss.

“We aren’t done yet, hyung,” Seungmin whispered against Minho’s lips. “Now it’s Innie’s turn.” Minho’s head cocked to the side as Seungmin climbed off of him.

Jeongin took his place quickly, braces on full display. “Hello, Innie,” Minho greeted with a fond smile, reaching up to brush his knuckles against the maknae’s cheek. Jeongin caught his hand and left a kiss to the back of his hand.

“Hi, hyung,” Jeongin whispered back, placing a quick kiss to Minho’s cheek. “You ready?” Minho felt curiosity pull at him as he nodded. “Well, for one thing, your voice is amazing. It’s so smooth and sometimes you make the weirdest noises, but it’s so endearing and _Minho-hyung_. I wouldn’t want it any other way.” He placed a soft kiss to the side of Minho’s neck. “And you randomly blurt out a word or phrase without meaning to, but you try to play it off as though nothing happened and we’re hearing things just to get us to laugh. Even though I don’t know how to deal with it sometimes, I really love it.” He placed a kiss to his jaw. “And JYP said you couldn’t rap, but you’ve grown so much from holding Jisung’s hand with a shaky voice. It’s incredible. When I first met you, I thought: ‘how is hyung not debuted yet? He’s so talented,’ but now I’m glad you weren’t. We need you here. With us. And I’m glad that’s how it happened. Getting to see you grow even while I was under the impression that you didn’t have anything to improve on has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life.”

Jeongin brushed the hair out of Minho’s eyes with care. “And I got to watch you heal yourself, got to watch you bring the light back to your own eyes. Hyung is the strongest. Hyung put himself back together. It’s been such an intense experience and even though it hurt to watch you piece yourself together through the pain, I don’t think I’d trade it for the world because I bonded so intensely with you while it happened.” He let his lips brush Minho’s cheek. “And don’t even get me _started_ on your dancing.” He let out a stunned breath. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more intense and passionate. Hyung’s eyes become lighthouses. You guide me through the dances and you’re always so _genuinely excited_ when I get it down after struggling. You know us so well and know how we need things explained and it’s amazing that you can find eight different ways to teach the same dance.” He smiled brightly. “ _You_ are amazing.”

“And you always tug on your ears without realizing it.” He pulled lightly on the shell of his hyung’s ear. “It’s cute because your cheeks will puff and it makes you look like a cute, baby monkey.” He giggled and placed a short kiss to his lips as color rose on Minho’s cheeks quickly. “And if we call you out on it, you get flustered and blushy.” Jeongin ran his fingers down the side of his hyung’s face. “And your confidence never fails to astound me. It makes me feel like I can achieve that self-love myself and-- well, you know how hard that is for me. I think about you on the days I can’t get out of bed, you know? And it makes it easier to handle the darkness.” Jeongin placed a kiss to Minho’s temple. “You’re so much smarter than you let on, too. So clever, so creative…” Jeongin sighed happily. “Truly a genius.”

Jeongin cupped Minho’s cheeks. “Hyung, you are the bravest, kindest, most selfless person. Whatever is bothering you, I hope you can find the light it’ll take to combat it. But we’re always here for you, too. You don’t have to do it alone. I know it’s always hard to remember that, _trust me_ , but it’s really true.”

Minho put a hand over one of Jeongin’s on his cheek, leaning into it. “Aigoo,” he sighed, closing his eyes at the warmth Jeongin’s touch brought. “When did my maknae become such an old soul? My clever little fox…” Jeongin leaned down to hug Minho, and Minho held him tightly to his chest, breathing in the calming scent of his maknae. “Thank you, baby,” Minho whispered. Jeongin nodded into Minho’s shoulder and Seungmin joined them to resume the cuddles they’d asked for earlier.

“And now we are going to stay here and _sleep_ ,” Seungmin stressed. “If I find out either of you got out of bed in the middle of the night or you left the bed before me tomorrow morning, I’m _skinning_ you.”

Minho laughed at the empty threat, burying his laughter into Seungmin’s hair. Seungmin’s lips curled up at his hyung’s laugh and he laced his fingers with the maknae. _Yes_ , Minho couldn’t help but think, _everything would be just fine._

He fell asleep quicker than he had in weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Not update for almost a month? Preposterous!  
> No, but really, I'm sorry. With my declining mental heath and building stress with school, I'm trying my best to juggle everything. And this isn't the part 2 many of you may have wanted just because I'm not in the right state of mind to be able to write that type of angst and not be influenced by it. And this chapter is only 5k :(((( I'm so sorry :((((( I'll try to make it longer next time ; ;  
> This chapter is, however, dedicated to the marvelous Dawnbreaker55; This is absolutely NOT what you described and I'm so sorry for that! Please let me know if you want me to rewrite it for you ; ;  
> TW: low self-esteem?

Jisung has been… tired. Ever since his slip-up with Hyunjin the other week, he’s been on edge. Nothing like that had ever happened before and he was scared it would happen again. Just because Hyunjin was okay with it doesn’t mean the rest of them would be. What if they were grossed out by it? What if they started to  _ hate him? _

No, Jisung, focus. They love you. They wouldn’t do that. But still…

He sighed heavily, closing the notebook at which he’d been staring blankly for the last half hour. It was nearing two in the morning and he was still at the studio. Not even Bang Chan was still here. Well, that’d be because a manager had pulled him away at midnight, claiming they needed to deal with an issue with schedules. And right before Jisung was going to ask if he could have destress cuddles, too. Jisung kind of felt… empty at the moment. Like nothing was being input or output. He hated when he got like this. Except there isn’t much room for hate when you’re feeling nothing. This apathy scared him, haunted him. He didn’t like apathy, didn’t like what it caused. So he stayed as far away from it as possible. 

Apparently, that wasn’t always a viable option. 

Changbin, who had gone home at nine, had excused himself just after Jisung had begun to hug him. It wasn’t Changbin’s fault, it really wasn’t-- he’d gotten a call from Woojin saying he needed to come home and help get the others to bed since they were being unusually stubborn-- but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt when Changbin left with a quiet apology and a kiss to Jisung’s temple. Jisung had felt unreasonably cold ass the door shut behind Changbin. It was okay, though, because Jisung understood that they wouldn’t always have time for him.

Just earlier, Minho had pushed him away after vocal practice, gently telling the younger he needed to go to a dance room so he wouldn’t be riding home with them. Again, Jisung understood. He’d caught a conversation between Hyunjin and Felix in passing, and he knew JYP was stressing Minho out over a new dance he was supposed to choreograph. It stung, though, because Jisung hadn’t even got a parting kiss or a promise to reschedule what Minho had to know would be an inevitable cuddle session. It stung. It hurt. But Jisung kept smiling. He understood. 

But Woojin… The day before, Woojin had pushed him away in favor of another partner. Like always, Jisung understood. Woojin probably hadn’t even noticed Jisung trying to get his attention and affection, actually. He’d kept his back to the younger, instead cooing over Jeongin and not hearing the way Jisung whispered his name. But Woojin  _ always _ heard. Was he being ignored? Had he done something wrong? Had been too clingy? Was he just being selfish? He scrubbed at his face. No. Woojin wouldn’t do that, Woojin would explain the situation to him so they could work it out. So he just hadn’t been heard… Why did that thought hurt more than being ignored did? But Jisung kept smiling; it was okay; he understood. 

Felix hadn’t meant to push him off, but right as Jisung had grabbed his arm on the way up to the dorms, Felix skipped off to back hug Hyunjin tightly. They giggled all the way back to their room and Jisung felt his shoulders fall before squaring them once more. Felix hadn’t felt him, that’s all that happened, he was sure of it. He understood. (It still hurt.)

Then it was Hyunjin. A few nights ago, Jisung had gone to him for feedback on some lyrics he’d been writing and maybe some empathy cuddles. It wasn’t hard to tell Jisung wasn’t in a good mood, and Jisung thought that maybe Hyunjin would take pity on him. It fell through the moment he entered Hyunjin’s room. He’d gone to ask him if he’d read over his lyrics, but the moment he’d said Hyunjin’s name, Hyunjin was asking him to get out, he had homework and other things to attend to and he didn’t have time. Jisung had back out quietly, not responding. Hyunjin was busy. Jisung understood. 

Jisung tried to stay bubbly as he went to Jeongin and Seungmin a few hours later. He’d announced his presence cheerily and asked if they wanted to get dinner with him. They declined his offer, claiming they’d already eaten so Jisung tried again. Dessert or a movie? They were too tired, “ _ maybe next time? _ ” Jisung pushed away the ugly monster clawing at his throat. He understood. They didn’t feel like doing anything, it was okay. He understood. 

Those had only been a few of the many instances from the past few days and it stung his already hurting heart that it was happening so plentily in only a few days. 

Jisung hadn’t noticed he’d been crying until a shrill ringing jerked him out of his head. His phone was going off and the tears were suddenly cold on his cheeks. He picked it up without looking at the caller ID and greeted them quietly, afraid that if he raised his voice it would break. 

“Sungie?” the gentle voice came. “Hey, baby, where are you right now?” It was nearing three now.

“I’m uh--” Jisung cleared his throat, pawing at his wet cheeks with his hoodie sleeve. “I’m at the studio, hyung.”

Hyunjin made a disapproving noise. “Why are you there so late? Even Channie-hyung is home.”

Jisung took in a deep, cold breath and pushed down the hurt that had built through the day. It was only a pity call anyway. “I’m-- I’ll be home soon, don’t worry.” Hyunjin hummed and they said their goodbyes.

Jisung didn’t want to return to the dorm. He didn’t want to be brushed off again, didn’t know if he could stop himself from bursting into tears if he was. He sighed, opening the notebook once more, and began to scratch the raging ocean down onto the page. He felt the tears fall out his eyes and blur his vision, watched as his vision cleared and the tears dropped onto the page, but he kept writing. He didn’t want to stop because stopping meant he’d have to go to the dorm and that had him run the risk of rejection.

What felt like seconds later, his phone began to ring again. Jisung sighed heavily, wiped at his cheeks and eyes, set down his pen, and cleared his throat before answering. “ _ Han Jisung _ ,” Woojin began immediately, voice dripping disappointment. “It is  _ five in the morning _ and you have yet to return to the dorm. Where in the hell could you be that you decided to stay out all night when we’ve got vocal and dance practice all day today?”

Jisung stayed quiet, squeezing his eyes shut and biting his bottom lip as he pushed away the stinging. “Jisung?” Woojin called again. “I know you can hear me. Answer me! Why didn’t you come home? Where  _ are  _ you?”

“I’ll be at practice, hyung,” Jisung croaked, trying to keep his voice level as the anger in Woojin’s voice hit him. “See you then, bye.” He hung up even as he heard Woojin trying to speak to him and felt his heart pull. He felt so terrible for brushing Woojin off like that, but he couldn’t do it, couldn’t pretend. It was better for Woojin to be mad at him than for Woojin to feel guilty for making Jisung cry.

Jisung set an alarm for seven (their practice began at 7:05 and it was only three floors down) before curling up in his chair and lying his head in his knees as the tears started for the third time since midnight. He tried to stay quiet, knowing that the rooms most certainly were  _ not _ sound proof. He took in shuddering gasps as he prayed no one would enter the room in search of him, member or otherwise. Jisung’s stomach gurgled and he knew both Chan and Changbin kept emergency snacks in the studio, but he wasn’t sure where and most certainly did not feel like trying to eat anything. 

He always hated crying, he couldn’t help but think as he tried to stop the tears. It made him feel icky, left him drained and droopy. He was supposed to be the sun and a bright sunflower for his boys not rain clouds and a wilted weed. He took in as even breaths as he could, trying to calm himself. It always took a while for his face to stop being blotchy and for the puffiness to go down. 

It took a while, but he eventually succeeded. It was six by then and he knew he needed to wash his face. He just prayed he wouldn’t run into anyone on his way to the bathrooms at the end of the hall. He sighed, uncurling himself and taking note of the way his muscles ached and his joints cracked. He took in how his feet felt too thin for his body and his shins felt tight, ache-y. It was a quick walk and he was glad for the overly-cold water that always came out of the faucets, splashing his face over and over until his cheeks felt the slightest bit numb. He noticed the way his skin felt tight around his cheeks and the slight chap of his lips. 

Jisung shook his head. It’d be an okay day. He’d make it an okay day. He’d be understanding and bounce back from whatever came for him. He’d try his damnedest to have a good day. By the time he exited, it was already 6:45 and he couldn’t help but gnaw at his lower lip as the time to face everyone neared. He returned to the studio, though, and was glad when it was empty. (Why was he expecting it to be otherwise in the first place? It had been empty when he’d left.)

All too soon, he was heading down to the dance room with his bag and phone, munching on an energy bar slowly as the elevator crawled to a stop three floors down. He stepped out, glad there was no one waiting for it to rush his exit. He felt his stomach rush as their usual dance studio door came into view and was silent as he slipped into the room, wordlessly beginning to stretch in the corner. He was hoping no one would pay him any notice. 

That idea, however, went out the window when he heard Hyunjin call his voice across the room. He pretended he hadn’t heard as he stretched his aching muscles. Hyunjin stopped in front of Jisung, putting a gentle hand on his bicep. 

“Hey,” Hyunjin greeted quietly, raising Jisung’s chin gently so they were looking at each other. “Want to step out of the room and talk to me?” Jisung closed his eyes, shaking his head and pushing away Hyunjin’s hands so he could continue to stretch. 

Hyunjin frowned. “That wasn’t actually a question, Sungie. Take a walk with me, yeah?”

Jisung let his head hang, pressing his lips together tightly. After a moment, Jisung nodded and followed Hyunjin out of the practice room. Hyunjin curl his arm around Jisung’s waist with care, leading them away from the practice room. They entered another room and Hyunjin closed the door behind them before walking further into the room and hopping up on the table in the middle of the room. He motioned Jisung forward from where the younger stayed by the door. 

Jisung’s pace was slow, but he eventually situated himself between Hyunjin’s legs. Hyunjin wrapped his legs around Jisung’s thighs and rested his hands on either side of his face. “Good morning, angel,” Hyunjin whispered. Jisung let his eyes flicker up for a second before they rested on his chest once more. “I heard the conversation between you and Woojin-hyung this morning.” Jisung tensed, brows pulling down as his faced morphed into a frown. “Hey, no,” he cooed, “you’re okay. I’m not mad and neither is hyung. Okay?” Jisung nodded but the frown didn’t leave. 

“Listen, baby, I’m not here to upset you or lecture you or anything. I’m just worried. You don’t usually stay at the studio past two, you’re almost never there alone, and certainly  _ never _ hang up on anyone like that.” Hyunjin rolled his lips before trying to get Jisung to focus on his face. Jisung didn’t try to resist this time. His eyes were droopy and bloodshot which wasn’t much of a surprise as Hyunjin was under the impression the younger had been up all night. But something about the look in his eyes told Hyunjin that Jisung had been crying. Something in Jisung’s voice last night. When he’d called. When Jisung had hung up on Woojin. There was no way Jisung hadn’t absolutely bawled with the dull of his eyes. 

The older pulled Jisung into a tight hug, dropping a firm kiss to Jisung’s head. “Hyung wants to know what’s going on in your head, baby. It’s a scary thing when everything else is silent and I know there was a lot of that last night. Will you let me help you, Sung?” Hyunjin whispered. Jisung’s fingers gripped the back of Hyunjin’s shirt tightly as he took in hiccupped breaths. “I’m here for you,” he continued, “you can let it out, I won’t let you fall.”

“I’m just being  _ stupid _ ,” Jisung cried into Hyunjin’s chest. 

Hyunjin held him a bit tighter. “Sunshine, you’re not stupid. You’ll never be stupid for  _ feeling _ . We can’t always control how we feel or react and that doesn’t make us dumb or lesser or anything of the sort. Whether we want to feel these negative emotions or not, they punch us in the stomach and we’re left winded and confused and hurt. That does not make us stupid. It makes us human. My sunshine is not stupid, do you hear me?”

Jisung nodded slowly, sniffling. Hyunjin left another kiss to the crown of his lover’s head and ran his fingers gently through the golden locks. 

“Now,” Hyunjin sighed quietly, “can you tell hyunggie what happened?” 

Jisung pulled away from Hyunjin and left the safety of the older’s legs. He wrapped his fingers around his left bicep and squeezed harshly. “I was feeling… h-hurt,” Jisung mumbled as his eyes continued to sting. He squeezed his bicep tighter, taking the focus away from his eyes and to the crescents burying themselves into his soft flesh.

“Why?” Hyunjin prompted gently. 

“Because I was being ignored,” Jisung replied in a whisper. His eyes were glued to his feet and his cheeks burned with shame. 

“Who was ignoring you, angel?” Hyunjin pushed with a sweet voice. Ignored? He was in the studio all afternoon… Had Changbin or Chan done something? They hadn’t acted like it when they had gotten home. 

“All of you,” Jisung cried out with volume, foot coming to meet the ground harshly as the hurt flared up and his heart was seized with pain expressed as anger. “All eight of you, all day, for the past week!” Hyunjin frowned. Had they? Hyunjin thought back, trying to recall Jisung being brushed off by one of them or Jisung acting a tad mope-y, but his memory came up short. “Each time I reached out, I was rejected and replaced with another member!”

“I hear you, Jisung,” Hyunjin placated as he hopped off the table and moved closer to his lover, “and I am so sorry that we’ve made you feel this way. Genuinely, I am. But I really need you to expand on that because I was not conscious of doing that to you.”

Jisung took in a harsh breath and met Hyunjin’s eyes. “Over the past four days, I’ve been brushed off when I’ve tried to be with any of you. And I  _ tried _ to understand, but when all eight of you do it at one time, it feels  _ shitty _ and  _ personal _ . What did I do wrong?” he pleaded desperately. 

“Sweetheart, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Hyunjin tried to assure.

“Then why was I pushed away? Each. Time.”

“I need you to explain to me everything that happened, angel, or I can’t help you.”

“Stop!” Jisung yelled as the tears spilled with ferocity. “Stop with the pet names! Stop acting like you actually care!” His hurt was released in a spurt of misplaced anger (more at himself than at Hyunjin, but how was he supposed to yell at  _ himself? _ )

“You  _ know _ I do, Jisung,” Hyunjin ushered back calmly. He took a slow breath in. “Why don’t we both sit down? It isn’t going to serve us well to stay worked up.” Hyunjin moved slowly to the table and pulled out two chairs so they face each other. “Can you sit with me?” Jisung moved over cautiously before dropping into the chair. “Okay, now, can we start this conversation with you telling me what specifically  _ I _ did to hurt you?”

Jisung brought his knees to his chest, suddenly feeling dejected as the adrenaline faded out of his system. “I… went to your room. I wanted to ask you about something I’d written and see if we could lay together since I wasn’t feeling well. But when I went in to talk to you, you didn’t even let me ask you anything, you just had me get out. You had homework to do and you didn’t ask me what I needed or even to come back a little later. Just, ‘get out, Jisung, I need to do homework with quiet and I don’t have time for anything.’” Jisung wiped at his eyes. Hyunjin felt his heart squeeze. “You didn’t even  _ look _ at me,” he mumbled, eyes on the older’s knees. 

“Oh, Sung,” Hyunjin whispered. “You have every right to be angry with me. That was such a dick move and I am so sorry I treated you like that. No one should be spoken to with such apathy; especially not a lover.” 

Jisung kept his eyes locked on his knees. He went through the list of happenings over the past few days, the same list that had him sobbing last night. Hyunjin moved over to him slowly, wrapping his arms around his lover tightly, gently picking him up and placing him in his lap. 

“Jisung, baby, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe we did this to you, I’m so,  _ so _ sorry,” he whispered, squeezing Jisung in his hold. Jisung wrapped his arms around Hyunjin tightly, letting out a shuddered sob. “As soon as we get back home, we are having a long talk with everyone.”

Jisung pulled away, shaking his head frantically. “No, no,” he begged, “they’re going to feel guilty if you tell them!”

“ _ Good _ ,” Hyunjin seethed. “We shouldn’t ever let you feel that way. That was so  _ shitty _ .” Jisung sniffled and more tears poured over as he dived back into Hyunjin’s neck. Hyunjin squeezed him tight against his chest, placing butterfly kisses across the expanse of the crown of his head. “Angel, I’m--  _ fuck, _ I’m so sorry.” 

Jisung’s fingers curled in Hyunjin’s shirt and his shoulders shook, but he said nothing. Quietly, Hyunjin began, “I’m going to call Chan-hyung and let him know I’m taking you home.” Jisung nodded into his shoulder, too tired to fight it. Hyunjin fished out his phone and dialed star-1. Chan picked up almost immediately, panting heavily. “Hey, put me on speaker, hyung,” he demanded without greeting. Chan let him know when he was good to speak. “I’m bringing Jisung straight home. And, with all due respect, if any of you don’t come home immediately after practice, I will break your key and lock you out. We’ve got some talking to do so the moment practice is over so be quick about getting home.”

“Jinnie-yah,” Minho announced quietly. Hyunjin hummed in response. “How is… Is Sunggie holding up?”

“Well, I can tell you he was feeling a fat load better a week ago. I have to go. Text me when you’re finishing up.” Chan hummed, announcing they’d be home soon before Hyunjin ended the line. 

“D’you want to go home and cuddle, Sungie?” Hyunjin coaxed, running slim fingers through the knotted mess. 

Jisung nodded into Hyunjin’s shoulder, hiccupping pathetically. Hyunjin carried him to the car, then up to the dorm. He didn’t put him down until the comforter of Chan’s bed was pushed down and jisung could be comfortably situated under the heavy, warm material. Hyunjin slid in beside him, practically on top of the younger (as his little squirrel like it) as his arms wrapped around Jisung’s waist. 

“Sleep, baby. I’ll wake you up when they’re on their way home.”

Jisung clung to Hyunjin’s shirt. “Don’t… don’t leave me…”

“I’m staying right here, pressed up against my angel,” Hyunjin assured fondly, peppering kisses across his full cheeks, causing Jisung to giggle and playfully smack him away. Hyunjin finally placed a sweet kiss to Jisung’s lips. “I’m going to absolutely  _ smother you _ in love,” he sighed against his lover’s lips. 

“I’m sorry I’m causing so much trouble,” he mumbled, teetering into SleepLand. 

“You couldn’t cause trouble even if you read a manuel, baby.” 

 

The next thing Jisung knows, he’s being kissed away by gentle, full lips on his cheek. He sighed, feeling content with the affection. “Angel,” Hyunjin cooed. “Hey, they’re on their way back now. It’ll be about five minutes.” Jisung rubbed at his eyes before curling into Hyunjin chest and yawning cutely. 

“Can’t you talk to them and I pretend I don’t exist, locked in my room?” he begged, voice muffled by the taketop Hyunjin wore. 

Hyunjin shook his head. “I’m sorry, baby, but you’ve got to be there for this conversation. I mean, I can do the speaking for you, if you genuinely don’t want to, but I don’t want to misspeak and you not be there to correct me.” Jisung grumbled into Hyunjin’s chest, whining about having sense and ruining his fun (playfully, of course). Hyunin gave a breathy laugh before making Jisung sit up. “Let’s wait in the living room, yeah?” Jisung shrugged, allowing Hyunjin to pull him up and lead him to the living room. Only to settle back into his chest the moment he sat on the brown, faux-leather couch. Hyunjin chuckled, rubbing Jisung’s tense back slowly. 

 

The front door opened sooner that Jisung was ready and he pushed his head harder into Hyunjin’s neck, body seizing against Hyunjin’s steady one. The boys were silent as they came in and gathered in the living room. Once everyone was settled, Hyunjin cleared his throat.

“I’d just like to make it clear that I am not using honorifics nor holding my tongue with this discussion,” he began, tongue clicking in distaste as he eyed the room, more upset with himself than anyone else. 

“We’ve been ignoring Jisung for  _ days _ now and have driven him to isolating himself and wonder what he did to deserve this. He would literally try to grab one of our hands or call out to us and we’d not even look at him. Personally, I brushed Jisung off for school work without even asking if something was wrong or if he needed something from me. I don’t know about all of you, but hearing I did that made me feel fucking shitty. I hadn’t even realized that I’d done that, that I had  _ hurt Jisung _ . And that is unacceptable. Maybe you were the one who brushed him off each time he proposed to hang out with you. Dinner, then dessert, then an empty ‘maybe later.’ Or you took your hand out of his the moment he’d finally gotten the fucking courage to grab for it because he needed it in that moment. But instead you pulled away and skipped ahead.” 

Hyunjin ran lithe fingers with gentle repetition through Jisung’s soft locks with care. “And maybe you didn’t know that he was trying to get your attention, but it still hurt. Beginning to cuddle with him, but being called away so you left him in the studio alone, or leaving right as he decided he wanted to speak to you about what was bothering him, but your phone rang and you promised that you’d ‘talk later.’ Or he called your name and you didn’t hear him. Didn’t hear him; didn’t hear him. It feels like a vicious pattern just  _ saying it _ .” He let his fingers brush carefully against Jisung’s cheeks, just to make sure his baby wasn’t crying. 

“But this hasn’t been over the day. No, it has been over the spanse of a fucking week. How the hell did we manage that? How did we not notice? Seriously, I don’t know if you got a good look at Jisung before he went to the studio last night or when he came into the practice room this morning, but he looked like absolute shit-- sorry, Sunggie. And we just let it fester even though there were  _ glaringly visible _ signs that he was struggling.” Hyunjin took in his lovers’ shocked faces of realization and guilt and a self-disgust burned, ugly, in his chest as he sighed, pulling Jisung closer. 

“It’s usually Chan-hyung that makes these speeches and stuff, but I commandeering his ability for a moment. We need to be more attentive. Both inward and with each other, we can’t just lie in suffering or let someone else do it. I’m going to be blunt about this, but listen. We already  _ know _ Jisung was neglected in his previous relationship and it was toxic and there was fighting and harsh words and the list goes on. And when Sung told us about this, we promised to never be like that man. But right now, as hard as it may be to swallow, we are no better. We can’t be so oblivious to a  _ lover’s _ emotions, it’d never work when literally all of us have one type of issue or another.” 

Jeongin moved slowly to sit next to Hyunjin, soft fingers resting on Jisung’s wrist, a silent apology. Jisung raised his head slightly and gave his maknae a sad smile, entwining their fingers. Jeongin placed a soft kiss to Jisung’s knuckles. 

“I’m so sorry, hyung. Seungmin and I shouldn’t have brushed you off like we did the other day.” Jisung shook his head, brushing off the referenced situation. “No. It isn’t okay, hyung. We should have at the very least invited you to stay up with us or  _ something _ .”

Jisung’s bottom lip quivered, and he pulled his maknae forward to place a soft kiss to his forehead. Jeongin smiled sadly at the gesture, but his heart felt lighter. 

“I think,” Hyunjin began once more, “that we should ask Sung what he wants us to do to make it up to him.” All eyes turned to the boy in Hyunjin’s arms.

Jisung bit his lower lip. “I-- That’s not necessary. I get that you’re all busy. You can just go back to whatever you were planning to do earlier. I’m sorry for skipping out on practice.”  _ Please, say you’ll stay. Don’t make me ask. _

“No,” Minho stressed, eyes upset. “We aren’t just going to leave you alone after ignoring you for a week, are you fucking insane?”

“Minho--” Chan cut in. “Be a bit more gentle?”

Minho sighed. “Why don’t we all pile in Chan’s bed for the rest of the day? We’ve got personal schedules and I think the managers will understand.”

Jisung nodded, eyes lowering abashedly. “Aigoo,” Changbin cooed. “C’mere, Sungie.” Jisung climbed off of Hyunjin’s lap and into Changbin’s, curling up like a cat against his chest.” Changbin hooked his chin over Jisung’s head and pulled him closer, just holding him. “I’m sorry I had to leave,” he whispered, “I’m sorry I didn’t notice we were hurting you.”

Jisung shook his head, still lying against his chest. “It’s okay, hyung, really. I get it; we’re idols, we’re busy, things happen.” His hyung’s heartbeat was steady and strong like the tide breakers they’d seen littering the beach every so often.

“But it  _ isn’t _ okay!” Changbin stressed quietly. “We entered a committed relationship. If we couldn’t make time for all of us, then we shouldn’t be in this relationship. This isn’t--”

“I forgive you,” Jisung cut in, voice calm and sweet. Everyone could hear him, his melody like a siren drawing their attention to his lips. It reminded Changbin of the gentle waves of midday against white sand and lost shells, sweeping and nudging at all it surrounded. “If that’s what you need to forgive yourself, then I forgive you. But I never  _ really _ blamed you. Any of you.” 

He heard someone sniffle-- it sounded suspiciously like Hyunjin-- and he curled tighter into himself. “Why don’t we all move to the bed?” Woojin announced.

“I call carrying him!” Felix announced, bouncing over to the sofa. 

Changbin let Felix take Jisung from him, and Jisung quickly locked his ankles around Felix, arms wrapping around his shoulders, already anticipating Felix’s spin. And spin Felix did. Around and around, squeezing Jisung tightly and declaring his love, a mantra of sincerity. When Chan laughed out a command for them to stop in fear of them falling over, Felix listened and planted a loud kiss to Jisung’s cheek. Jisung was giggling happily and rubbed their noses together. Felix grinned, satisfied with the outcome before carrying him to Chan’s bed. He let Jisung settle in the middle of the enormous bed before flopping down on top of his almost-twin with an exaggerate  _ humph! _ and a giggle-groan from Jisung. 

Soon they were all piled in the bed, peppering kiss all over his body and soaking him in the affection he had been lacking for far too long. Seungmin had somehow managed to make his way to Jisung’s side, curling up by his head. “I love you,” he mumbled sleepily.

“I love you, too,” he responded with a gentle tone. “You didn’t sleep well last night?” Seungmin shook his head and Jisung hummed. “Well, why don’t you rest now? You’re so warm right there, it’s comforting.”

Seungmin laughed without noise, leaning down to rest him lips against Jisung’s head for a moment before moving away again and letting his eyes closed.

This. This was what he needed. This was the family he chose. And he chose so well, he decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY!! TW!!!!! PAY ATTENTION AND BE SAFE!!!! vomiting at the very beginning, panic attacks, anxiety, overstimuation (not sexy times), kind M+ scenes but not really, implied sexual content ig 
> 
> This is Part 2 of that 11k chapter boooiiiiizzzz  
> Anway, I'm sorry, this is only, like, 9k, but I didn't want to make y'all wait any more.   
> This was requested by the lovely: optimistcat (MsGoodDay)  
>  ((also, this is kinda for Seungmins Smile, but I promise this isn't your chapter; I just tried to incorporate more Seungmin in this chapter <3))  
> Stay Lovely <3

Minho thought he was going to puke up his intestines. It was the day after the whole Jisung thing and he felt bad for accidentally ignoring Jisung, but he  _ needed _ to get this done. He couldn’t afford to let anyone down. JYP was breathing down his neck and Minho didn’t want to know what would happen if he didn’t deliver. 

He crouched over the standard toilet of the JYPE bathrooms, gagging, his non-existent dinner threatening to come up. As he sat there, trying to calm his raging stomach and get a  _ fucking grip on himself _ , the clocked ticked to 3 am. 

Once the nausea had somewhat alleviated and he could breathe without his throat constricting, he picked himself up off the floor, water bottle in hand. He downed a third of it and sighed, the icy liquid aiding partly in relaxing the burning of his throat and the heat of his skin. Minho flushed the stomach bile from the bowl of the toilet, washed his hands, and walked determinedly back into the dance room. 

Minho played the track again, danced through what he’d planned so far (the first 30 seconds and the chorus), and closed his eyes in thought for the blank areas. He groaned as all he felt was rising anxiety. With a deep breath, he pushed that feeling away. Minho didn’t get anxious. Minho stayed calm always. Minho did not get overwhelmed. Minho could do this. He tried again, slowing the song to half speed and listening to the beat in increments of ten-- ten beats, ten seconds, whatever felt right-- and experimenting with different moves. 

It was another half hour, if that, when the door opened, causing Minho to jump in alarm. It was Seungmin, looking ruffled and exhausted in his rumpled t-shirt, flannel pants, and fuzzy slippers, his hair sticking up and beanie in his hand. 

Minho frowned. “The hell are you doing here, Min? I thought you went home at five with the others.”

“Don’t ‘the hell are you doing here’ me, hyung. It’s nearly four in the morning and you are still in the damn practice room and not in bed,” Seungmin grumbled, walking over to Minho’s bag and beginning to pack it up.

“Seungmi-- what--?”

Seungmin paused, looking up for a moment before resuming his work. “You are coming home right now, hyung. You’ve been here since 8 am and I am not going to let you kill yourself over this damn song just because JYP won’t stop riding your ass about it.”

“ _ Seungmin-- _ ”

“No, hyung!” Seungmin roared, standing straight. He had tears in his eyes. “I haven’t properly eaten a meal with you in weeks! I haven’t seen you do anything in the dorm except sleep in weeks! You’re losing weight and becoming paler. This needs to stop. You need to be an actual human and not a choreo machine! Are you even staying hydrated?”

Minho stayed silent, surprised by the outburst. “Please,” Seungmin whispered, lowering his head. “Just come home. I’m tired and I miss you.  _ Fuck _ , I miss you.” Minho closed his eyes for a moment before nodding. He locked his phone and slipped it into his pocket. “Thank you.”

Minho put his arm around Seungmin’s waist, keeping him close as they walked in the frigid air back to the dorms, pace brisk. “I’m going to shower first,” Minho whispered as they took off their shoes in the doorway of their dorm.

Seungmin nodded. “I’ll be in your bed.”

Minho smiled, eyes tired as he placed a soft kiss to the younger’s forehead. “I’ll be quick, baby.” Seungmin hummed and let the older walk off, leaning heavily on the door as he watched Minho disappear into the bathroom. He hiked the dance bag higher on his shoulder before entering Minho’s room quietly as to not disturb Woojin or Jeongin (Felix had decided to sleep with Changbin). He put the bag where it usually went and slipped under the covers of his hyung’s bed, fighting off Sandman’s pull. 

Minho really was quick about it, towel wrapped around his waist as he untied a bundle and grabbed the first pair of boxers he saw. That was all he wore to bed and Seungmin settled against Minho’s warm chest.

“I’m really sorry for yelling at you, hyung.”

Minho shook his head, running a hand through Seungmin’s soft hair. “You had good reason for it, and I understand that. Honestly, if you hadn’t come and gotten me, I probably would have worked all through tomorrow, too.”

Seungmin made a noise of distaste, pulling back slightly. “Can you promise me that you won’t leave the dorm before everyone goes over to the studio? Please?” They had planned to eat an early lunch and go in at 12:45 instead of at eight or nine per usual. 

Minho sucked in a long breath, brain being pulled into sleep slowly. “Yeah, baby,” he promised sluggishly, “I’ll stay here.” 

And then he was asleep and Seungmin let himself sleep as well.

 

Minho woke to a warm hand in his hair and soft voices trying to keep him under the sea of slumber. He groaned, letting his eyes slide open to see Seungmin and Chan conversing in hushed whispers. He blinked the sleep sand out of his eyes and sat up, rubbing at his face. 

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Chan cooed, smile fond. Minho grunted, still trying to wake up. “Well, I suppose  _ afternoon _ is a more appropriate greeting.”

A noise came from the base of Minho’s throat. “What time is it?” he rasped, mouth dry and disgusting. 

“Nearly one. We’re going in at three, now,” he replied.

“You slept like a rock the whole time,” Seungmin laughed. Minho nodded, sluggish as he threw his feet over the edge of the bed. Only to fall sideways and onto Seungmin’s thigh. 

“Warm,” was all he said, burying his frigid nose into the warm muscle. Seungmin laughed again, threading his fingers through the older’s hair with delicacy. 

 

All too soon, they were headed to the dance studio and Minho felt disgust and unease build in stomach, just as it had each time they’d driven over this week. The comments that he’d read forever ago weighed in his mind each time he ran through the song and hadn’t anything productive to say for it. It weighed down the left pocket of his dance bag where the folded pieces lay, untouched since being placed there. 

He was quick to exit first, waiting with vibrating limbs for the others to also get out of the confining tin can. “Hey, hyung,” Jeongin sighed, pulling up next to Minho. They couldn’t really hold hands at the moment so Jeongin did the next best thing, arm pressed against his hyung’s. “Penny for your thoughts?” 

Minho smiled as they all began to walk and ruffled his maknae’s hair. “Nothing for any of you to worry about. Don’t worry, baby.”

Jeongin frowned and, as soon as the company door closed behind them, grabbed Minho’s hand in his own. “I always worry, hyung. I mean, Seungmin-hyung threatened to decapitate anyone who woke you up. That alone would be enough for me to question how okay you are.”

Minho chuckled and placed a kiss to his temple the moment the studio door blocked them from anyone who wasn’t his boyfriends. “I’m really fine, baby,” Minho assure, guilt clawing at his throat as the lie dirtied his skin. 

Minji came by quickly after that, Kisoo on her hip, shy and giggly as he hid his face in his mother’s cardigan. Hyunjin, however, swooped in to hold him almost immediately, cooing at the way Kisoo latched onto his neck and placed a kiss to his cheek. It distracted everyone enough that Jeongin was pulled away from Minho’s side without further question. 

 

Minho had began dancing through the choreo the moment he felt he’d stretched enough. And then he practiced through three of the ten-minute breaks they’d taken after a swig of water. Minji, however, caught him on their fourth break, semi pulling him to the side. 

“Hey, Minho, listen,” she began softly, “I know you’ve got this sense of impending doom going on in your brain, and, honestly, I get why it’s there. With that being said, however, I need you to realize that working through every break is only going to impair your ability to do this. Your brain runs out of intense stamina after 50 to 90 minutes, and your brain needs fifteen to twenty minutes of recuperating time. You’ve been going for over four hours without a break now. Please. Just go sit by one of your boys and take a minute. It isn’t like you’re making choreo right now, we can breathe for a little, yeah?”

Minho sucked in a deep breath before he nodded and rubbed at his eyes. She thanked him quietly and he collapsed next to Woojin, curling up and resting his head on Woojin’s thigh. Immediately, his hyung began petting through his hair gently and Minho almost purred. “Can you drink some water for me, baby?” Woojin coaxed. Minho groaned, turning his face so it was buried more in Woojin’s thigh. “Please?”

Minho sighed before pushing himself back into a sitting position and taking the water bottle from Woojin, downing half its contents. “Not too fast, now,” Chan laughed, walking over to them. “I don’t want you throwing up.” Minho felt guilt flood his system as he remembered the previous evening, but he laughed good naturedly despite that. 

He was slower in finishing the rest of the water bottle, but the moment he was done, his head found its place on Woojin’s thigh once more. The cool of the floor against his flushed skin was heavenly. “I know,” Woojin whispered, “you’ve been working hard. You can rest, it’s okay.” 

Something made Minho believe he was speaking about more than just the past few hours and tears sprang to his hidden eyes. He pushed them away, though. He was Lee Minho. He didn’t cry. Usually. There was still tension in his shoulders, but Minho feared that would never leave the lines of his body. 

The break was going on twenty minutes, strangely, when Minji spoke up from where she had been playing with Kisoo. “I think we’ve had a good practice today, guys, and I’m really proud of you all. I’m letting you go now. If someone confronts you for some stupid reason, just send them here. I’ll be in here ‘til nightfall. You boys get yourself something nice to eat and go your ways.”

There were various grumbles of relief throughout the boys and Minho sucked in a deep breath before throwing himself into a sitting position. 

“I’m ordering in since Sung, Binnie, and I are gonna be in the studio,” Chan commented as they were packing up.

Woojin hummed. “I think Innie and Minnie are coming with me to the recording booth for some covers?” The two maknaes were quick to nod in agreement. “Then we’ll get some hot soup before that.”

Hyunjin looked to Felix and bit his lip. Felix returned the same glance. They couldn’t… help Minho with choreo. Where were they supposed to go? Minho recognized the looks on their face and cleared his throat. “Lix, Jin, why don’t you two do an analysis of today’s practice footage,” he suggested with a soft smile, reaching over to ruffle Hyunjin’s sweaty hair. They nodded, smiling brightly at their hyung. 

“Yeah,” he breathed, stars in his eyes. “We’ll go get something from the vending machines, probably.”

“And we’ll all be home by midnight at the latest?” Jeongin asked, hope dripping stickily from his words. 

Chan nodded, laugh hushed. “Yes, baby. Everyone is to be home by twelve at the latest.” 

Seungmin immediately looked over to Minho, and Minho pretended not to notice. 

“Oh, hyung,” Felix frowned. “What are you doing for dinner?”

Minho smiled, feeling his gut twist at the idea of food. “I’ve got protein bars on me. I’m not too hungry anyways.”

It seemed to satisfy the young Australian, and eight of the nine boys were quick to file out of the hot practice room (with one last high-five to Kisoo courtesy of Hwang Hyunjin), and Minho felt anxiety and fear overtake him once more as he rushed to set up the music. 

“Dinner?” Minji reminded as she cleaned up Kisoo’s corner (he’d eaten during the first break and put to bed on a rolled out mat they kept in the boy’s emergency supplies).

The dancer snorted. “Not unless you want to clean up vomit.” Minji gave him a face of disapproval, but Minho waved it off. 

He let out a shaky breath as they stood in the middle of the room for planning. “Okay,” he began, “so last night, I think I perfected the beginning and-- I’ve got an idea of how to transition from the aerobics of the bridge into the chorus? But I haven’t tried it out yet; I think it might be a bit dangerous, though.”

“Anything can be dangerous if done incorrectly. Hit me with it,” she encouraged. 

“Okay, so…” He took his time in explaining it to her, trying to keep his voice from shaking as he backtracked his thoughts or corrected his explanation. It took longer than Minho had hoped for her to understand, the pair trying to see how plausible it would be. Minho made a hopeless noise after an hour and a half. “I don’t think this was such a good idea…” he sighed, trying to keep the whine out of his voice. 

Minji shook her head, frowning. “No, I think it’s great and you’ve perfected it a number of times already. Sure, the results aren’t as constant as we’d like, but that’s what practice is for. We’re getting there, I promise.”

Minho fell to the floor with a sighed after a moment of internal struggle, rubbing at his tired eyes. “Damn,” he whispered under his breath, the painful burn in his back and neck a welcomed distraction from the internal turmoil. Minji was quick to retrieve his water bottle and unscrew it for him. He thanked her quietly before drinking a third of it. 

She walked away once more, but Minho kept his eyes closed, hoping he could will the world to stop spinning. He felt her disturb the air next to him and he opened his eyes to see her crossing her legs to the right of him. She held out a baggie of homemade dinosaur wafer-looking things for him to take.

“Eat this,” she coaxed. “My mom used to make these for me as a kid, it’s actually her own recipe. It’s loaded with fiber and protein so it’s good for people who do lots of exercising like I did and little Kisoo do, but it tastes like warm vanilla bean-- it’s so weird.”

He took a hesitant bite of it, but hummed happily when a warm flavor spread across his tongue. “Sungie would love these. Gosh, he’s  _ always _ craving sweets…”

Minji smiled fondly. “Well, eat what you’d like of it and bring the rest to Jisung. I’ve got another baggie in his bag anyway.”

Minho smiled gratefully, finishing the dinosaur before sealing the bag. “I… needed that. This. Thank you, noona.”

Minji hummed, putting a comforting hand on his ankle. “Absolutely any time, yeah?” Minho smiled back, feeling the tension ease out him for just a moment. But a moment was all he needed. “You’re just like my baby brother,” she laughed, leaning back to support herself on her palms. “Gosh, he-he works himself crazy and can’t do anything but think about others. And his selfishness…” She sighed softly. “It’s always a selfish that helps those around him. You… You’re like that, I think. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but in front of the camera, you give off this, like, big aura of sneaky playfulness and boisterous flirting, but off camera--and on, sometimes, I suppose-- you’re really soft and empathetic. You know just what to say and do all the time and you know when you can put on that cool exterior or when you need to take it off. It’s amazing, honestly.”

“D’you miss him much?” Minho whispered into the sudden quiet of the studio.

“Oh, always,” she breathed, tilting her head back.

“I miss mine, too,” he supplied, still whispering. It felt as though if he spoke louder, his world would crumble before him. “I haven’t seen him since… eliminations.”

“Do you think he’d ever come to Seoul to visit you?”

“I don’t think my mother would ever… allow that. He’s got-- got health issues.”

“If your dad advocated?”

His reply to this was slow. “Perhaps. If he really pushed and my brother has been on a good streak.” Minji hummed. Minho shook his head. “I’m sorry. I probably ruined the mood, gosh. We-- we should get back to practicing.” 

Minji looked at her watch, frowning. “It’s almost eleven now,” she sighed. “How about we run through the choreo we have three or four times, then we go home. It’ll be almost twelve by then.”

Minho bit his lip. He didn’t  _ want _ to stop. Couldn’t stop. He needed to do this and do this well. “I’ll probably stay later a little later, but you should take your son home.”

Minji laughed as though something he said was funny. “Minho, there’s no way I’m falling for that again. Seungmin said you stayed until  _ four _ . You told me you were going home at ten! There is no way I am not driving your ass back or getting one of your boys to drag you back there to sleep.”

Minho took in a deep breath, letting his eyes close. Of course. Of course someone was  _ always reporting _ . To Minji, to Chan, to JYP, to the press, to his mother or father or brother. There was always  _ someone reporting  _ and Minho couldn’t just  _ be _ . 

“H-Hey,” Minji began, watching the way his breathing sped up and his face drained of color. “I didn’t mean to panic you, I’m sorry,” she apologized gently. She placed a gentle hand on his bicep and he flinched away, his whispers begging not to be touched. “Listen, Minho, I don’t know what to do, so I’m going to call Chan, okay? And if he doesn’t pick up, I’ll call Woojin.” Minho didn’t respond, didn’t do anything except to beg to stop being touched. She was quick to pull up Chan’s number and dial. It was five rings in when he finally answered. 

“ _ Minji-noona? Hey, is everything alright? _ ” his voice came through.

“Hey, listen, uh, I don’t know what to do. Minho is, like, hyperventilating or something and I- I touched his arm and just keeps saying not to touch him, but I’m not anymore and--”

“ _ I’m already on my way, noona, just breathe. You’re fine, you didn’t do anything wrong. This shit happens sometimes. You’re still in the dance room? _ ”

She stuttered out an affirmative and the door burst open, Chan coming to settle right next to him. “Hey,” Chan whispered softly, getting close to Minho. “Baby, I’m going to touch your wrist now.” He put a single digit to Minho’s pulse and Minho flinched, squirming away. “Okay,” Chan breathed, “you’re okay, baby. I promise, the world isn’t collapsing, you aren’t dying.” He placed his finger back onto Minho’s wrist. While he didn’t wriggle away this time, his breath still shook uncomfortably. “I know, baby, I’m sorry, just as soon as I get ice for you, I’ll let go, but I need you to stay with me, okay? We’re okay, we’re breathing.” 

Minho gave the barest of nods, body shaking violently with effort.

“Minji, in Min’s bag, there’s a thermo lunch box. Can you bring it to me?” She had it to his side in an instant, Chan’s soft, melodic whispers and calming constant. He brought out a baggie of ice, unzipping it and pulling out a fairly large ice cube. “I’m going to put an ice cube on your hand. It’s going to be cold, but I want you to hold on to it as tight as you can.” Chan placed the ice in Minho’s palm, quickly enclosing his fingers around it before releasing contact with him. Minho gasped, pulling away from Chan slightly. “I know,” Chan coaxed, “I’m not touching you any more. It’s just an ice cube. Can you count with me until it all melts? One… two…” 

It took until ten for Minho to count with him and 35 for it to melt. Minho felt drained as he tried to keep his breathing as regulated as it had been when he was counting. Chan praised him with fondness dripping from his voice. 

Minho curled into himself as exhaustion dragged his body. “I’m sorry, hyung,” he whispered. 

“No, kitten, there’s nothing to apologize for. It isn’t ever a problem or a burden when these things happen. But can you tell me what triggered it?”

Minho let out a sarcastic laugh. “So many things, hyung,  _ fuck _ .”

“Well, where can we start? How about why Felix and Hyunjin aren’t helping with the dance?”

Minho flinched. “I-- JYP came by and personally informed me that I had to do choreo for the song alone. The only person I could collaborate with or ask the opinion of is Minji. And… hyung I have been working on this for two weeks and I have the chorus, the bridge, and the intro. I’ve still got about  _ two minutes _ of choreo to create and I’ve only got, like, another two weeks. I-I don’t know what to do! This isn’t like Hellevator or-or back-up dancing to pre-set choreo or some minor project trainees will be put through. Hyung, my job, my life, my  _ family _ is on the line-- I don’t know what to do. I mean-- JYP essentially said that if this wasn’t a success then my ass is fuckin’ toast. Hyung--hyung--hyung-- I can’t--I can’t breathe, hyung--I don’t-- I can’t--”

Chan shushed him gently, placing a smaller ice cube in his palm. “Listen to me, kitten,” he soothed, “there is no way JYP would take you from this group. He’s being rash and impractical, but he’s sensible if he’s given enough time to cool down.”

“And-- I don’t mean to interrupt here, but,” Minji paused. “Well, my family has always been good friends with Jinyoung-oppa and his family. After seeing what you can do and seeing all that you put in to this life and this job, I’d never let him throw someone so talented and intelligent away. He knows that I have a steadfast opinion and a good judgement of character, and I  _ know _ you are capable of doing things so much better than Hellevator ever  _ could _ be. Those comments are wrong, and you’re an amazing choreographer.” 

Chan frowned as Minji finished talking. “What comments?” 

Minho sighed, rubbing at his eyes, giving hiccups for breath every once in a while. “JYP… came in with sheets of printed comments people had made on twitter and youtube and stuff and… well, said I needed to change the public’s mind if I wanted to stay with the company any longer.”

“What were the comments?”

“Constructive criticism.”

“They were  _ hate comments _ ,” Minji broke in, forehead wrinkled angrily. “Those were spiteful and hateful comments. There was nothing constructive about them!” Minho felt his heart collapsing. He’d made her angry. He’d made her angry and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t usually make people angry, he wasn’t sure how to react. 

“Stay with me,” Chan reminded, gently pulling Minho out of his thoughts. “She isn’t yelling at you, Minho, she’s just mad at the people who wrote them. You didn’t upset her.” Minho nodded jerkily, not looking at him. 

Chan looked up to Minji. “Thank you for watching over him, but I think it’s time we went home.” Minji nodded in understanding. Chan turned back to Minho as Minji moved away to gather her own stuff. “Do you want a piece of ice to suck on? I think it may help clear your mind?” Minho nodded, opening his mouth. Chan dropped one of the cubes into Minho’s mouth. “How’s your skin?”

“No,” was all Minho could manage, breaking eye contact again. 

“Okay,” Chan placated. “That’s absolutely fine. Take as long as you need to be okay, I’m here for you.” 

“Home,” Minho whispered, eyes shadowed. 

Chan hummed. “Soon, baby, I promise. I’ve got to call Changbin and Jisung first. Do you think you can pack up your stuff?” Minho nodded slowly and Chan smiled, praising him softly. 

Changbin and Jisung were, as expected, slightly panicked at Chan just running off, but calmed after the call, promising to wait for them before leaving. Chan helped Minho with his slow packing, taking care of the sound instruments and other electronics. Minho thanked him quietly, stopping to take a gulp of cool water. 

Chan cleared his throat as he held the door open for Minho with one last goodbye to Minji. “Color?” he whispered. 

“Red.”

Chan nodded though he knew Minho couldn’t see him, and the ride down the elevator was slow. “How are you doing?”

“Honestly?” Chan nodded, staring Minho in the eyes. Minho broke his gaze, staring at his feet. “Everything hurts, like, physically. My muscles are burning and my knees and calves are bruised as hell. I could take a hot shower and cry myself to sleep with a good heart right now.” Minho rubbed at his eyes. “I don’t know what to do, hyung. I know JYP isn’t a bad person and he isn’t really a spiteful person or anything… but it feels like I’m always being sought out and yelled at. And maybe I deserve it! And I’d rather it be me than one of the others, but-- I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, hyung.”

Chan sighed, heart dropping to his knees. “You aren’t doing anything wrong, baby. I promise, you aren’t doing anything wrong. JYP… I think, now at least, he knows how talented and powerful you are and knows you can handle this stress and challenge. I’m not saying he’s  _ right _ , but I think that’s what he’s doing.”

“But I can’t, hyung! That’s the problem!”

“You  _ can _ ,” Chan fought back. “You’ve already come so far in the song. I know it’s going to come out great. Hyunjin and Felix were watching you earlier when you were running through what you had done so far. They said it was coming along amazingly, and you know Hyunjin and Felix wouldn’t just lie about it. Minho, you’ve already come so far. You can do this. Everyone has full faith in you.”

Minho let his head fall as the doors began to open. “Maybe you shouldn’t,” he whispered, walking out.

 

Jisung was held back by Changbin from tackling Minho as the older approached. “Hyung!” Jisung called, bouncing in Changbin’s hold. 

Minho painted his face with a smile, but the emotion didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hello, angel.”

“Hug?”

“I’m sorry, angel, but I can’t… do that right now,” Minho tried, hoping his smile hadn’t faltered. Jisung nodded understandingly and announced that it was time to go home and sleep. So the boys followed him back to the apartment, Minho nodding along to Jisung’s update on new songs. 

It was a quick walk back, none of them wanting to stay in the cold longer than necessary. Once the door was unlocked however, Minho’s phone began to ring. He frowned, unsure who could be calling so late. One of his boys? His heart dropped when  he saw his baby brother’s face flash across the screen. 

“Sengjin?” Minho asked, heart rate picking up as fear raced through his veins, itching under his skin. “Hey, what’s wrong? Did something happen? Are you okay? Why are you calling so late?”

A light tinkle of laughter cut across the speaker. “Hyung, I’m okay,” his voice came weakly. It had been weak since he was a child, sick or not. “Actually, I’ve got some amazing news!” 

Minho felt tears prick at his eyes as he begged his heart to be still. He walked further into the dorm, settling on the recliner and curling up. “Yeah?” he mused, feeling a soft smile settle on his lips, this time genuine. “Are you gonna tell me about it or am I gonna have to guess?”

Sengjin’s hum crackled across the receiver. “Since I’m such a  _ generous _ brother, I suppose I’ll tell you,” he sigh, acting as though he was put upon by such a thing. “So I’ve been begging Momma for  _ months  _ now for something amazing and… I’ve finally convinced her of it. Dad helped, too!” There was such raw joy in Sengjin’s voice… Minho’s heart clenched. 

“Yeah?” he hummed, voice soft-- fond. “And what’s that, baby?” 

“Mom said that if you can convince your people, I can come stay with you for a week! A week! Excluding travel days! I made Dad convince her of that,” he giggled. Sheets rustled in the background, indicating he was rolling around on his bed. Minho felt his body freeze, blood rushing too loud in his ears.

Sengjin panicked at the silence. “I mean--” he corrected, voice catching. “Unless you don’t, like… want me… to…” he trailed off. 

Minho snapped out of it quickly. “N-No, God, no, of course I want you here! God, I just thought it was too good to be true. I-- I-- Are you serious? You’re not playing with me right now?” he checked, knowing his heart would break if Sengjin took it back. 

“No, hyung, I really convinced Mom. She said as long as I bring my medicine and I don’t overexert myself, I can go!”

“I’ll-- I’ll see what I can do, angel, okay? I don’t know how quickly I can get you down here, though. We’re doing a lot of prep for another album and I’m in charge of kind of solo choreographing this one song so it’s not even like I’m free enough to have you come down within the next two weeks and--”

“Hyung!” Sengjin cut in, laughing. “Take your time. Please, don’t stress about it. I’ll wait another nine months if that’s what it takes to see you again.”

Minho felt his throat squeeze. “I don’t want to wait that long, Seng-ie,” Minho whispered, voice breaking. 

“I know, hyung,” he responded, voice just as choked up. “But if that’s what it takes…”

“Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I’ll have you down here soon. I swear my life on it, Sengjin.”

Sengjin hummed. “Don’t do anything reckless, hyung,” he replied, reply coming belatedly. “Um, I’m sorry to… cut this short but my meds…”

“Are kicking in? I can tell,” he laughed lightly. “You get to bed, you big baby. I’ll call you as soon as I have an answer for you.” Sengjin hummed. “I love you, my baby brother.”

“Love too,” he mumbled, voice dying out.

Minho gave a breathy laugh as he hung up, heart feeling warm. He’d really get to see Sengjin again. And Sengjin could meet  _ his boys _ ! They were going to love Sengjin!

A quiet hum came from behind the recliner, a tired-looking Changbin resting his chin on Minho’s head. “Hyunggie? What was that?”

“My brother,” he whispered, clutching his phone to his chest. “I-- I might be able to see him soon, Bin.”

Changbin came around the side of the recliner and Minho unfurled himself to pull Changbin into his lap. “Good,” he huffed. “You deserve it.”

Minho hummed. “It probably won’t be too soon, though. I still need to get this choreo stuff out of the way and by then we’ll probably be prepping for another comeback.” Minho sighed. “But at least there’s a chance.”

Changbin settled against the radiating warmth of Minho’s chest. “Oh, you didn’t hear? Manager-nim said the other day that we aren’t doing another comeback for another four or so months. I think you’ll have time before a comeback.”

“If JYPE lets me have him stay in the dorms. And have at least most of a week off.” Minho bit his lip. Now that he though of everything as a whole, he didn’t think this whole thing was going to be as easy as he originally thought.

Changbin made a noise of disagreement. “Minji fuckin’ loves you. There’s no way she’d say no if you asked her to advocate for you.”

Minho frowned, letting out a long breath. “I don’t want her to think I’m using her, though…” 

“If she thinks you’re trying to use her and doesn’t think you’re doing this with the purest intentions, I promise you she would absolutely say no. But seeing as you’re not a  _ jackass _ \--”

“Binnie, language!” Chan called from the kitchen.

Changbin snickered, hiding his face in Minho’s chest.  “-- she won’t tell you no,” he finished. Minho hummed in thought. He wasn’t wrong, Minho knew. If Minji thought Minho was just using her for his benefit, she’d immediately drop his ass. But he wasn’t!

Was he? 

Would asking her to convince whomever needed convincing to have Sengjin over using her? And how did he even ask without sounding like an idiot or coming across like he was just using her status? Something told Minho that just going, “ _ Hey, Minji, I need you to ask JYP if I can keep my brother at the dorms for a week because I’ve got separation anxiety and I haven’t seen him in over nine months! _ ” wasn’t the right way to go about this. 

“Well, I think I should sleep on it,” Minho sighed. “But first I need to give Sung something. Where is he?” Changbin shrugged as he got off of Minho’s lap, placing a soft kiss to his hyung’s lips.

“On your bed, probably,” Woojin informed him, walking in. “He’s been waiting to see if you’d be up to giving him a hug before bed or not.”

Minho hummed, pushing himself out of the recliner and into Woojin’s approaching form. Woojin wrapped Minho against his body tightly. “Your brother called?”

Minho hummed, burying his cold nose in Woojin’s shoulder. “Do you think…” he began slowly, talking into Woojin’s shoulder. “Do you think the boys would mind if I asked if Sengjin could stay with us for a while? Like, a week?”

“I think they’d be delighted to meet him,” Woojin responded with sincerity. He left a warm kiss to Minho temple before the younger pulled away. Minho reached up to leave a sweet kiss to his lips and Woojin hummed in delight. As he was pulling away, Woojin caught him by the waist. “A little longer?” he begged.

The younger’s smile was soft as he leaned back in. It was a fond push and pull of control. Minho would dominate for a while, tongue and pressure and mumbles of  _ I love you _ s. But then he’d let go and Woojin would take over, hand on waist and teeth and lips. He pulled and abused Minho’s lower lip and Minho couldn’t help but  _ melt _ . Because even in dominance, Woojin was the epitome of gentle love. Soft hands roamed his barely-there love handles as Minho kept his hands around Woojin’s neck. 

Bit down harder than the others, surprising Minho and forcing a moan out of him, low and full, and his breath left him. Woojin pulled back to make sure he hadn’t hurt the younger and Minho laughed, eyes shining with love as he shook his head, gasping for breath. He dove back in, the warmth of his mouth a cathartic he needed in the moment to stay sane. Woojin let Minho’s hands drop to his stomach. Slim, cold hands made Woojin squirm slightly. Minho applied more pressure, pushing further into his mouth as lithe fingers pressed into Woojin stomach and roamed up his ribs. 

This time it was Woojin that had to pull away for air. “I love your stomach,” Minho breathed, laughing with glee. Woojin sighed, shaking his head though his eyes shone with adoration. “Really! It’s so soft when you’re not flexing and honestly, it’s so comfortable to lay on.” Woojin laughed at Minho explanation, pulling the younger back in and diving in for his adam’s apple. Minho threw his head back, allowing Woojin full access as he groaned. Woojin sucked lightly, nipping at the skin enough to turn it red and slightly imprinted without it bruising. Minho’s breathing hitched when he felt Woojin suck on neck, a shiver running across his body in surprise. 

Usually, Woojin was not one for this type of kissing, usually preferring cheeks and lips and temples to peck. But this? He certainly didn’t act like this often. Minho certainly wasn’t trying to stop him, though. Instead, he brought a warm hand up, up, up the back of Woojin’s shirt, massaging the tense muscles as best he could while having Woojin’s attentive lips attached to his throat. Eventually, though, and too soon in Minho’s humble opinion, Woojin pulled away, breathless. 

Minho smiled at his, warmth lingering across his skin. “Woojin-hyung certainly seems hungry,” Minho sighed, pecking the eldest’s lips quickly.

He watched a blush rise up Woojin’s cheeks and ears. “Sorry, I just--”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me and you absolutely  _ never _ have to apologize,” Minho cut in gently, a now-warmed hand coming to cup Woojin’s cheek with care. “And I can promise you I don’t mind one bit.”

Woojin laughed, cheeks pushing up into his eyes in the cutest way. “Go find your boyfriend,” he chuckled, leaving one last kiss to Minho’s temple. 

“Only if you go share with Channie-hyung. He’ll be sad he missed out if you don’t.” Woojin laughed, and Minho winked, pulling away and sauntering down to his room. 

He opened the door, light still on and Jeongin and Felix cuddling in Felix’s bed. Jisung, though, was sitting on his bed like a puppy waiting for their owner to come up. His eyes were wide and hopeful as he sat on his legs, ankled crossed and hands in his lap. 

“Hyung!” he bursted happily.

“ _ Please _ ,” Jeongin begged, feigning desperation. “Kiss him so he will calm down! He’s been literally whimpering because you weren’t coming to bed.”

Minho laughed softly, moving over to his bed gracefully after flicking off the light. Jisung held his arms out to Minho and he hummed lightly, picking up the younger, and holding him close, rocking him lightly. “I’m here, baby, I’m sorry I took so long.” 

Jisung shook his head, burying his face in Minho’s neck as Minho sat on the edge of his bed. “You okay now, hyung?” Minho nodded, smiling. “Good. I was worried,” he admitted. “It’s been a while since you… I dunno, needed us to completely like… not touch you. Like, well, I mean, usually we can hold your hand or link pinkies or kiss your cheek, but Chan-hyung said you wouldn’t even let him touch your wrist! And I just-- I worry, and--”

Minho kissed Jisung softly, cutting the younger off. “I know, angel,” he breathed, voice quiet. “But I’m okay now. Sengjin called earlier so I took his call first, then Woojin distracted me. I’m sorry I took so long to come and find you.”

“No, I understand! Other things come up!”

Minho smiled, eyes soft. “My angel is too understanding sometimes,” he sighed, warm fingers trailing across Jisung’s cheek. Jisung giggled, leaning into Minho’s touch. Minho pulled Jisung into his chest and situated him so they were laying down together, facing each other. 

“Hi,” Jisung whispered, laughing. 

Minho smiled back, kissing the tip of his nose. “Hello.” Jisung found Minho’s hand and laced their fingers. He brought their hands to his lips, a warm kiss placed the his knuckled. Minho brought a hand to card through Jisung locks. 

They fell asleep together, with gentle caresses and warm lips on warm skin.

 

He woke with warmth and a gentle feeling in his heart, something that had been missing since JYP had confronted him again (and maybe since before, but was that really important?). Jisung was warm in his arms. So, so warm. The body that was pressed between himself and the wall-- probably Woojin by the feel of him (when had he joined them?)-- was warm, too. Everything felt  _ okay _ for the first time in too long and, honestly, Minho felt ready to cry. 

Minho took in a deep breath, though. He didn’t want to worry anyone. Someone stopped at the foot of his head and he lifted his head to see Chan standing over him with a soft smile, calloused hands taking the utmost care in running through Minho’s hair. 

“Hey, kitten,” he greeted, crouching down so they were level. “How are you doing this morning?”

“Better,” Minho assured, smiling. “Warm.”

“That’s good. Physically or mentally?”

“Both.”

Chan’s smile widened. “That’s really good.” Minho hummed. “I’m sure it helps that you’re sandwiched between two cuddlers.”

“Oh, it is  _ so _ nice,” Minho admitted. Chan laughed quietly. “Did Woojin visit you last night?” Minho inquired, something sly slithering into his tone. 

Chan’s smile became a bit more clouded. “Absolutely. And it was…  _ so _ nice,” he parrotted

Minho snorted, but continued on. “I figured you’d appreciate it.”

“Oh, I did. So did my thighs.”

Minho laughed loud enough that Jisung squirmed in his arms, turning his head. “Hyung?” he croaked, eyes squinted in the light from the window. “Wh--?”

Minho left a soft kiss Jisung’s forehead. “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep, it’s not time to get up.” Jisung hummed, turning over. His breathing evened out quickly and Minho smiled. 

“Do they hurt this morning?” 

Chan winked. “Baby, they are aching and I love it.” Minho smothered his laugh, eyes bright. “Really, I mean-- Lord, did you see him last night?”

Minho nodded. “I absolutely  _ did _ . It was so nice, but we were in the living room and I needed to go to Sung so I sent him your way. It was amazing, though.” Chan leaned down to place a kiss on Minho’s forehead. 

“We’ve got a free day today. The vocal trainer is sick and Minji-noona has to work with a class today so manager-nim said it wasn’t worth it to go in since we aren’t  _ really _ prepping for a comeback,” Chan said, shrugging. 

Minho bit his lip. “I should really do some more work with the song…”

“Minnie, you’ve been going at it since you were given this assignment. Please, just stay home today.” 

Minho rubbed at his face, thinking. He had about a minute and a half done, but he still had two minutes he needed to complete. He had two weeks starting tomorrow. Could he get away with missing a day? Could he even be productive without having someone there to bounce ideas off of? There were too many variables to consider. 

“Just…” Minho sighed. “Fuck, I don’t even want to go in today. I just want to be selfish. I just want to call Sengjin and cuddle with my boys and relax. But I’ve got two weeks for another two minutes of dance and I don’t know what to even go for.”

Chan rolled his lips. “Well--” He sighed harshly. “Okay, I know JYP said no one was allowed to help you, but what if instead I wrote it down and you happened to find it on your chest when you look down?” 

Minho looked at Chan suspiciously. “I’d probably be surprised that a random piece of paper just appeared on my chest.” Chan hummed and got up. He returned seconds later, Minho’s eyes closed. 

“Oh, look!” Chan gasped, pretending to be surprised in overly dramatic and purposefully terrible acting. “What could that possibly be?”

On it, written in neat hangul was a simple ‘ _ suhwa _ .’ “Sign language?” Minho read slowly. Suddenly, it clicked. “Oh my gosh, Bang Chan, you’re a genius! An absolute legend! I know exactly what I want to do now!” Minho slipped out from in between his two boys with practiced ease. “If I’m not home in three hours,” he breathed heavily, changing into better dance clothes, “drag my ass back here.” Chan looked confused but nodded, wishing him good luck and making sure he had his phone and keys before slipping out the front door. 

Minho ran down the street, finally having a flow of ideas run through his mind as adrenaline greeted his bloodstream like an old friend. 

 

Three hours later, as promise, Chan entered the practice room, feeling his heart squeeze at the renewed joy on Minho’s face. He hadn’t really realized it, but Minho’s face had grown pale and emotionless over the course of a month or so. But seeing him now? With such a vibrant light in his eyes as he danced? It was fucking magical. 

“Minho,” Chan called softly as the song ended, body resting comfortably against the door frame. Minho’s head whipped over and his face began to just  _ radiate joy _ . Minho ran over, slamming into Chan in a tight hug, tears coming to his eyes. 

“Hyung,” he sobbed. “Hyung, hyung, hyung! I did it, I really think I did it. I- I mean there’s still things I need to clean up and I still need to run it by noona and teach it to you all, but I mean--”

Chan shushed him gently. Minho wasn’t breathing, and his face was turning red. “Breathe for a second, baby, and then you can talk on for me.” Minho took in a deep breath and realized how lightheaded he was, clinging to Chan. When the spots clear, Minho sagged into Chan’s body. 

“Hyung, Minji-noona said she could come down in half an hour when they go on early lunch. Can I stay a little later?” 

Chan smiled, placing a gentle kiss to Minho’s sweaty hair before brushing the younger’s bangs out of his eyes. “Yes, baby. Why don’t I come get you in an hour for lunch? That enough time?” Minho nodded eagerly. “I’m so glad you’re feeling better, kitten,” Chan admitted gently. 

“I am, too. It was getting… hard. And I didn’t want to admit it.” Minho sighed into Chan’s warm chest before he realized just how sweaty he was. “Oh! I’m sorry, I completely forgot I’ve been, you know, doing stuff and sweating. Geez, you probably just took a shower too.” Minho was frowning, fussing at the wet spots that were now on Chan’s shirt.

Chan just laughed though, tilting Minho’s head up so they were looking each other in the eye. “It’s okay, kitten, so long as I get to be near you.”

Minho melted. “That was disgustingly cheesy,” he managed to cut back even as he leaned forward to kiss Chan. He smiled at the leader with warmth. “And, fuck, I love you, hyung.”

Chan leaned forward, connecting their lips for a soft, intimate kiss before pulling away slowly. “I love you, too, kitten,” he whispered, making sure Minho was staring at him. Minho dove in to hug Chan tightly. 

A special knock came on the door, Minji’s knock for when she was coming in alone so Minho didn’t let Chan pull away even as the door was opening. 

“Oh!” She sounded surprised. “Hello, Chan-ah!”

“Hi, noona. I was coming to bring Minho home, but he said you’d be coming soon so I’m letting him stay a little later.” Minji nodded, humming happily. “Do you mind if I sit in?” Minji shook her head, and Chan thanked her. 

Minho was over by the speakers in a flash. “Okay,” he breathed, eyes sparking as he handed her the controller for the speakers and set up at the beginning of the routine. “So I think I’ve got it finished, noona. I mean, obviously there’s going to be some clean up, but I’ve been working for the last three hours on this after a motherfuckin’  _ breakthrough _ , and I like where this is idea is going.”

“Give it your best shot, dancer extraordinaire,” she approved sitting against the mirror in front of him. 

He took in a deep breath before nodding and signalling for her to play the music. His movements were fluid, eyes closed as he mumbled counts. There were moments where he stuttered, especially in the middle of the verses, but all in all it was solid and he landed the flip solidly. His transition out of the flip, too, was solid and he did not falter. What intrigued her, however, was the last two verses. They incorporated… sign language? But it was drastic and had enough of the flare that you could tell what he was signing-- if you knew sign language-- and it matched flawlessly with the beat and theme of his dance. 

She asked him to repeat the dance twice, eyes intense as she analyzed his movement, making sure to get these two filmed to look at later. She watched for form and consistency in hitting the beats. He panted as he finished the third runthrough, holding the pose for a few seconds before letting himself fall to the ground. 

“And you finished all that choreo… in three hours?” Minho nodded, lying back on his elbows and thanking Chan for the water bottle he brought over. “Without help from anyone?” she checked though she knew the answer.

“Just me,” he panted, “you can check the cameras.”

Minji walked over and sat next to the dancer. “Sit up.” He looked confused but did as she asked. “Lee Minho, I want you to look me in the eyes and repeat exactly what I say.” He nodded slowly, face scrunched. “I mean it! I want you to repeat after me.” He nodded again. “I, Lee Minho,” she began. 

“I, Lee Minho,” he parrotted, feeling awkward as they stared at each other. 

“Am.”

He hesitated. “A-am…”

“A.”

“A?”

“Motherfucking badass.” 

Minho bursted out laughing, almost spitting on Minji as he fell forward, gasping for breath. “ _ What? _ ” he croaked between gasps.

“Oh, sit up,” she sighed, pulling on his arm, “come on.” He apologized, sitting back up and pushing his laughter down. “Now say it.”

Minho raised an eyebrow. “Say what?

“I, Lee Minho, am a motherfucking badass! Say it! Don’t make me curse more than I already have!”

“ _ No _ ,” he choked, “what?” Chan was cackling in the corner, Minho noticed, fully enjoying the show.

“I’m not letting you leave this room until you say it. You know what you’ve got to say, and you have to say it,” she insisted, crossing her arms in front of her with confidence. 

Minho sighed. “Fine. I, Lee Minho, am a motherfucking badass.” She looked satisfied, nodding. “Why did I have to do that?” he inquired, standing up and shaking out his limbs, doing a few cool-down stretches. 

“Because did you  _ see _ that dance? I didn’t even help with any of that! That was all the amazing Lee Minho. Hell, even if you got a theme from an outside source, all of that was you. And it was the coolest thing! I mean, there’s always things to be tweaked with dances, but that isn’t what this is about. You did that in  _ three hours _ .”

“And two weeks,” he reminded her, sighing as a weight lifted off his chest. 

“Shush,” she scowled. “Now, I’m going to take this video and analyze it formally for us to address two days from now. Tomorrow, if I find out you left the dorm for any kind of work, I’m hitting you, then your manager. I’ll talk to him tonight.”

Minho tried to catch her, to inform her it really wasn’t necessary, but she waved him off, taking the chip out of the camera and walking away, yelling at them to enjoy lunch. Minho sighed, ruffling his hair. That wasn’t his goal, but… it was a nice idea… 

Chan held him tight as the studio door clicked closed, whispering praise into his hair. “Let’s go home, kitten,” he whispered, placing a feather-light kiss to temple. “Then you can shower and eat something and relax.” 

Minho nodded, leaning onto him heavily as he gathered his breath. Everything felt surreal. Like there was no way he could have really done that. But he had. He really had. Chan said he had, Minji said she had. He had film proof he’d done it. It didn’t feel real. 

He hadn’t realized they were already back to the dorm-- he must have blanked out from the dying adrenaline-- until he heard Felix shout “ _ I call showering with hyung! _ ” the moment the door closed. Minho laughed, slipping off his shoes and socks, instead sliding on a pair of slippers. 

“Well, I’m going now Jikseu so come now!” he yelled back. Felix’s patter of feet could be heard clearly and he gave a breathy laugh, waiting for him outside of the bathroom door.

“What do you want for lunch, first, Minnie?” Woojin called. 

Minho shrugged, causing him to frown. “Chicken and beef is always nice. Get whatever Jeonginnie wants. He gets to be the adult this time.”

He ducked into the bathroom with Felix before Jeongin could do anything, laughing at the playful shouts. “Hyung’s in a good mood,” Felix commented happily. Minho hummed. “Good. Hyung is really pretty when he’s happy.”

Minho let an arm slither around Felix’s waist, tilting Felix’s jaw up so he could kiss at the sensitive underside of the younger’s jaw. “And so are you, sunshine.” Felix hummed happily at the attention. He pulled away, placing a quick kiss to Felix’s lips. He set up the shower and undressed himself, getting in first. 

Felix stepped in with him, pleased when Minho immediately attached himself to the younger. “Why did my baby want to come shower with me?” he asked, voice soft as gentle fingers traced the frame of his face with utmost care. Felix blushed but didn’t answer and Minho smiled slightly at the shyness. He placed a soft kiss to Felix’s temple. “You don’t want to tell hyung?”

“It’s selfish,” he mumbled, hiding his face.

“Good,” Minho breathed, pulling at the hands covering his boy’s face. “Be selfish every once in a while.” He kissed Felix’s hands, lacing them together. “Now, why did my baby… want to come shower with me?”

“I… wanted hyung to myself,” he admitted quietly, not meeting Minho’s eyes. “And I really wanted hyung’s kisses.” Felix stepped back a little. “And hyunggie always gives the best scalp massages and it makes me feel really loved,” he mumbled, looking at the water swirling down the drain.

Minho pulled Felix forward, placing a small kiss to his forehead. “Thank you for telling me,” he said, gently tugging on Felix’s chin. Felix followed the suggestion, finally meeting Minho’s eyes. “There’s my beautiful Jikseu’s eyes,” he hummed. “Now I can kiss you to your heart’s content.” Felix tugged at his lower lips nervously and Minho raised his  hand, pulling gently on the younger’s bottom lip. “Hey, now. We don’t want it to bleed, do we?” Felix shook his head.

Minho leaned forward, their noses grazing. Just barely. “The moment you say stop,” Minho whispered, “I stop. I promise.” Felix gave the barest of nods, but it was enough for Minho and he swooped in, one hand burying itself in Felix’s hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so MAYBE I'm bad at consistently updating..... This is the rest of the shower scene from last chapter, so it's just Minho and Felix. And kissing. So yee. Felix is a pure^tm. And this is short, maybe 1.5k, but it was all I could churn out, I'm sorry  
> Also, because I've been having a rough time and am trying to stop my unhealthy coping mechanisms, I may be putting Seungminnie through a lot of pain similar to my own in the next chapter... fair warning....  
> But please always remember that there are people willing to talk and listen. I, for one, will never turn anyone away-- yes, even you, who is thinking "she can't possibly mean me, how could anyone?" I'm speaking to you. I'm ready to listen or read or whatever you need from me. Please, message me. My tumblrs are at the end, you can message me on either, and my ig is llama_the_alpacax so please, angel, don't suffer alone <3

Minho leaned forward, their noses grazing. Just barely. “The moment you say stop,” Minho whispered, “I stop. I promise.” Felix gave the barest of nods, but it was enough for Minho and he swooped in, one hand burying itself in Felix’s hair.

Felix fell into Minho’s body at the quick movement, unused to being with any of his hyungs like this. Minho was quick to wrap an arm around his bare waist, squeezing him lightly. “Hey, there,” Minho chuckled. “We don’t want you getting hurt now, do we?” Felix apologized quietly and Minho shook his head, dropping a kiss to his forehead. “You’re okay, baby, no need to apologize.” He nodded. “Do you want me to slow down?” 

Felix looked Minho in the eyes, insecurity hidden in the deep, innocent color. “Hyung, I haven’t… I mean, I’ve barely even kissed any of you past pecks on the lips and--” He pulled back and looked down, unsure.

“And that’s okay,” Minho coaxed, hooking a finger under his chin. “If you don’t want this now, that’s okay.”

“No! I do!” Felix cut in quickly, panicked. “I just-- I don’t know what I’m doing.” And Minho understood that. Felix had never had the urge to go further before, and that was okay. Felix wanted more now. And that was okay, too. It was okay that he was inexperienced and a lot of the times he shied away from the more sensual activities. That’s what Felix wanted, what he liked. That was okay. It would always be okay.

“Hyunggie will take it slow, then, and if you don’t like something, tell me,” Minho coaxed, rubbing his thumb down Felix’s starlit cheeks. Felix nodded, looking a bit more sure of himself. Minho pulled Felix flush to his body and leaned in, cupping Felix’s face softly. Their lips connectly softly, Minho taking the lead. The younger kept it soft until Felix had managed to relax. Minho bit down on Felix’s plush lower lip, causing the boy to jump. Minho pulled back slightly, but Felix shook his head, face flushed and breathing escalated. Minho dove back in, rolling Felix’s lower lip between his teeth and pulling before moving back to gentler movements. 

“Aigoo,” he whispered praises against Felix’s lips, “my baby is doing so well.” Minho brought one of his hands to curl into the hair at the base of the younger’s neck. “So responsive and pretty.” Felix made a quiet whine, body temperature rising at the sudden compliments. Minho kissed him only once more before pulling back. “Can you open your mouth for me?” Minho asked, voice low as he pushed Felix gently into the shower wall. Unsure of what Minho exactly meant by that, his body hesitated, and he spread his lips slightly. “Gorgeous.”

Before the younger could respond, Minho’s mouth was on his again. This time, to his slight surprise, Minho’s tongue passed his lips, eliciting a squeak from him. Minho was warm and tasted like mint and watermelon. Felix wasn’t sure how to react to it, but it was strangely addictive. Confidence surged his body for a split second, and he pushed harder into Minho’s mouth, causing the elder to chuckled. He sped up slightly, shoving his tongue deeper into Felix’s mouth. Felix felt Minho’s knee pushing between his thighs, and he spread his legs a bit further. Minho only got closer, more skin touching his own. 

Minho’s tongue pulled at Felix’s and Felix hesitantly moved his own. Minho sucked on it in response, giving his own moan of approval, so he did it again, applying more pressure. Felix did, though, have to lightly push on Minho’s chest after a few seconds, and the older moved away immediately, eyes concerned. 

Felix giggled breathlessly, euphoria crawling across his skin as his cheeks brightened the shower stall. “I’m okay, hyung, I just need to catch my breath,” he promise, lacing his fingers with Minho’s. Minho’s eyes were fond as he hummed, moving closer to Felix.

“You’re doing amazing, Lix,” Minho complimented, pushing Felix’s wet bangs out of his face. Felix laughed again, eyes disappearing behind pushed-up cheeks. Minho left a gentle kiss against the younger’s cheek, resting his forehead against Felix’s temple. “My amazing Lix,” he sighed. 

Felix turned in Minho’s grip, hugging the older tightly, face hiding against wet skin. Minho chuckled, running his fingers through dyed locks. Then felt soft kisses being placed to his shoulder and neck, eyes widening. Was Felix really…? 

“I don’t know what I’m doing with 99% of this,” he admitted, “but I’ve seen Chan-hyung kiss Binnie-hyung’s neck enough times to know something about this part.” Minho laughed at that. He moved his baby under the warmth of the shower spray with the utmost care the moment he caught him shivering. 

Felix hummed at the sudden renewal of warmth and attached his lips to the very crook of Minho’s neck. Minho tilted his head to the side so Felix had more room and the younger brought a small hand to cup the older’s neck to make sure he wasn’t straining himself. Then Felix started sucking and biting at his skin and Minho honest to God thought he was going to  _ die.  _

Okay, that was a bit of an overstatement, he supposed, but his little Lix! His baby! Was bringing flowers to a bloom against his skin! And it felt amazing. He was inexperienced and hesitant, that was for sure, but there was such care in his movements that it made Minho’s heart ache. “You can bite harder, angel,” Minho whispered, voice strained as he tried to hold himself back. “My skin isn’t paper, I assure you.”

And Felix did.  _ Fuck, Felix did _ . The pleasure-pain was absolutely mind-numbing and Minho had to push away the noise that wanted to pass his lips with difficulty. Minho settled for a hiss, putting immense focus into making sure he didn’t rip out all of Felix’s hair between his fingers. And then there were cool lips and butterfly kisses against the throbbing skin as Felix whispered lovelies into his skin. 

Felix had pulled away after another moment, eyes insecure and hopeful as he showed Minho a small smile before looking down, two fingers coming to push against his pulse. “Shit, Lix,” he breathed. Felix looked up, hand stilling from where it was pulling away from his neck. “Are you sure you haven’t been practicing or something?” Felix’s body relaxed as he laughed, shaking his head. Minho pulled him in, placing a soft kiss to the younger’s forehead. 

Felix wrapped his arms tightly around his hyung’s warm waist, face buried in the older’s chest, and Minho reciprocated, arms encircling the younger’s shoulders. “Hyung, I’m really glad that… today worked out for you. I-I was scared.” Minho frowned at Felix’s admission and placed a soft kiss to the crown of his head. “I mean, you work hard enough when Jinnie and I are helping you, but we couldn’t even  _ be _ there for you and-- Hyung, you’ve lost so much weight and stuff, I was scared. I mean, I heard some kids talking about a guy throwing up in one of the bathrooms in the middle of the night yesterday and I don’t know if it was you or not, but it really worried me and then you said you were just gonna have a protein bar for dinner, and--” Felix sniffled, cutting himself off. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get emotional. I-I probably ruined the mood.”

Minho shushed him gently, rocking him. “You didn’t ruin anything, my little Lix. Thank you for worrying about me, but see? I’m here now and I’m okay. I’m sorry I worried you, but I finished the choreo so no more sleepless nights over that, yeah?” Felix nodded into his shoulder and Minho sighed gently. “My sweet little Lix. What did I ever do to deserve such a kind boy?” 

“You existed,” he whispered, lips leaving love against his heart. Minho was sure Felix could feel his heart flutter and tipped Felix’s chin back. He kissed him sweetly, Felix’s tongue joining in Minho’s exploration. 

Minho hummed after a while, satisfied, and pulled back. “Now, I think I heard somebody say scalp massage,” Minho goaded, smiling. Felix gasped happily and turned, leaning his head back. Minho laughed happily, pulling Felix back into his chest and burying his hands into Felix’s hair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! panic attacks, anxiety, talk of sex, insecurity  
> I'm really sorry that this chapter is so heavy, but as I mentioned in the previous note, I'm not doing too well right now so I needed to vent. Thank you for listening and remember, I'm ALWAYS there for you <3 Stay safe <3  
> ALSO, GUESS WHAT WE DID! WE BROKE 50K, I'M SO PROUD OF Y'ALL <3333

Seungmin was panicking, breathing was getting hard, everything was shrinking and warping and nothing would stop moving-- He could hear his own breathing, disgusting and too fast and ragged and he wanted nothing more than to lay down and die. So he tried to scream for Chan. He tried and tried, begging his vocal chords to get help, to fix this, to make it all _stop_ , and he wasn’t even sure if it was working! Oh, God, what if no one could hear him? What if he just passed out, or worse _died_ , without saying goodbye or anything to anyone and here he was selfishly thinking about himself and-- The world was _collapsing, why wasn’t anyone helping him?_

The door to whatever room he was in slammed open -- was it slammed? Everything sounded too loud, too sharp, so he couldn’t be sure -- but then Chan was _there_ and he wasn’t alone, but Lord Almighty, it still felt like he was dying and what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t breathe! What if he suffocated and left Chan with a fucking _body--_

“Min, baby, come on,” Chan’s voice finally broke through a too-warm hand resting on his too-cold bicep. Seungmin was sure he was going to throw up. All he could do was shake his head. How was he supposed to come back to Chan if he still couldn’t breathe? “You can do it, sunshine, follow my breathing,” he coaxed, rubbing a steady rhythm into Seungmin’s palm with his rough thumb. “In…” The thumb swiped up slowly. “And out…” Then, his thumb swiped down.

The pattern kept up until Seungmin was calmed. “That’s my little Minnie,” Chan praised with fondness lacing his words, a gentle hand coming to sweep through tugged-on bangs. “Now,” he voice was quiet, slow, deep, a steady rumbed in Seungmin’s tight chest, “if you want, and only if you want, you can tell me what happened. I’m here to listen or hold you or whatever you need.”

And Seungmin felt like throwing up again. What he’d done… He felt disgusted.

“I’m going to sound so stupid,” Seungmin breathed, tears welling up in his eyes.

Chan laced their fingers together. “No, Min, you’re not. Nothing that causes you to react with anxiety will ever be stupid. Ever.”

Seungmin took a deep breath, nodding. “I- I want to tell you, but… can you, like, turn your back or something?” Chan nodded without question and did as Seungmin requested, no longer facing the younger. He heard Seungmin scoot closer to him, though, and then felt a hand curl around the end of his hoodie.

“I-- I’m asexual,” Seungmin admitted quietly, voice shaking. “I’ve known I’m asexual as long as I’ve known I’m not straight. I mean, kids are always talking about sex and stories and wishes, but it’s never done anything for me, but… I went to the store down the road for some snack earlier. And I heard this couple laughing and-and making fun of asexual people. I _know_ I shouldn’t have taken it to heart, but they just kept saying that asexual people were confused and just needed to be dicked down and that they just didn’t know how to really get aroused and they just needed a ‘good fuck’ so they’d stop being so confused. And I felt so fucking sick, you know? I’ve already heard these comments from my parents and a few kids I used to go to school with, but these were so much more crude and lewd, but then I started doubting myself. It’s not like I’ve ever _tried_ to get aroused, I’ve just always known that I didn’t want it. So I thought maybe they were right, that I just n-needed to try.”

Seungmin broke into tears, head coming to rest between Chan’s shoulder blades as his body shook with noisy tears. “S-So I got… home and I knew none of the boys were going to come in here around this time of day so I--” Seungmin cut himself off, gagging harshly. He had to force the bile and self-hatred rising in his throat, swallowing around the persistent knot in his throat. “I tried…” His voice grew faint. “Tried to masterbate, but then I started feeling really sick and anxious and I started getting aroused which sent me panicking because maybe my _body_ wanted it but _I_ didn’t, and, _God,_ it felt so fucking wrong to me. Like I-I don’t give a fuck about other people wanting and enjoying and having sex, but when I think about _me_ in that position, it honestly makes me want to throw myself off a fucking cliff.”

Seungmin shuddered, grip tightening in Chan’s hoodie while Chan’s heart throbbed for the younger. “And I… I thought that maybe I could make my hyungs happy if I wanted to have sex. I know some of the hyungs have sex sometimes, and I couldn’t bare to think that… that I would have to tell one of you ‘no.’ Because I _should_ want it, and I don’t understand why I don’t!”

“Hey,” Chan broke in gently, swivelling his body so he could pull Seungmin into his chest. “If you learn absolutely nothing else from this whole day, I want you to learn this: you never have to want sex. Sex isn’t a staple for a relationship. It doesn’t define one. Especially not ours. Happy hyungs does not equate to having sex with hyungs. Your hyungs expect absolutely _nothing_ from you. Not hugs or kisses or love or sex. This is a give and take, but we take with consent. Do you understand me, sunshine?”

Seungmin nodded slowly into his chest, shuddering. “Hyung, I feel so nasty now. I wish I’d have never done it. I don’t like it, I don’t like how it feels, how it makes me feel, I don’t _want it._ ”

Chan nodded, brushing through Seungmin’s hair, hand and voice steady. “Okay. That’s okay. That’s understandable. But now all we can do is live and learn. And maybe take a shower if it’ll help you feel better.” Chan took in a long breath, thinking, before continuing. “Please don’t force yourself to do something because you feel like you’re less of a person for not doing it. Because you’re not. Your body is yours and if you aren’t comfortable with touching yourself or sex or what-the-fuck-ever, you don’t ever have to feel obligated to do said things. ”

Chan held Seungmin just that much closer, placing butterfly kisses to the crown of the younger’s head. “There are no expectations of you in this relationship. You set your boundaries, and the rest of the world can fuck off. You are valid, your disinterest in sex is valid, your sexuality is valid, and no one can take that from you. All of us will always support you no matter what.”

“I…” Seungmin took in a deep breath. “I don’t want to leave your arms, hyung, I scared. Can we just stay here?”

Chan nodded, whispering affirmation. Seungmin nodded into his chest before breaking down into tears. He didn’t want sex. He’d never wanted sex. Why did he let those uneducated assholes from a damn convenience store fill his mind? Why did this all make him feel weak? He didn’t want it. He didn’t want it, didn’t want it, didn’t want it and yet--

And yet society tried to push it onto him. He was a guy. Guys had to want sex. Guys couldn’t get raped. Couldn’t get molested. Or assaulted. Or abused. Guys couldn’t have a single fucking thing to do with anything viewed as “weak,” could they? Because as many double standards as there were for women, there were quite a few for men as well. An average of one in ten male rapes are reported, he remembered reading a few weeks back, and most of the people who did not report did not due to fear of retaliation or peer criticism or being viewed as weak, inferior, less.

He didn’t want sex and he only knew how to fucking say it in two languages, but here he was, trying to conform. Only to be absolutely disgusted in himself. He hadn’t eaten that day. That was the reason he’d gone out for snacks. It was now nearing six-- he’d been up for eighteen hours-- and his appetite was completely gone now, still-bagged snacks resting lamely against the foot of his bed where he’d thrown them on his way in. He should eat. But he feared he wouldn’t be able to keep it down.

How was he supposed to actually become comfortable with this state of being? How was he supposed to get past the mocking voices? Those voices that screamed _“you’re way too tense, you really need to get laid”_ in shrill, mocking English?

“Why can’t I just be normal?” Seungmin whispered.

“Oh, Min,” Chan breathed. “You are normal. The world is just filled with assholes.”

“Hyung, I don’t feel good,” he admitted, looking up.

Chan looked down, placing a soft kiss to the apple of his cheek. “I know, baby, I’m sorry.”

“I wish I’d have never listened to what they’d said.”

“I know, baby.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know, baby.”

“I really, really love you.”

“I love you, too,” Chan promised, “but for now I think--” Seungmin’s stomach growled, sounding like an angry demon, prompting them both to laugh. “I think it’s time for you to eat,” Chan mused with soft eyes. Seungmin hummed, settling back into Chan’s chest. “D’you want the snacks you bought earlier?” The younger nodded. “And do you want to sleep with me tonight?” Again, Seungmin nodded. “Do you want anyone else there, too?”

“…Innie and Binnie-hyung…?” he requested hesitantly, fingers drawing pointless patterns into Chan’s chest. Chan nodded.

“Sounds like a plan, baby. Now let’s get you set up for snacks in bed,” he hummed, standing with Seungmin steady in his arms.

Seungmin frowned. “But you don’t like people eating in your bed,” he combatted.

“Without reason,” Chan finished. “You, however, need to get to bed, young man, so we snack and sleep. It’s like dining and dashing but better. Because sleep.” Seungmin giggled softly, nodding as he pushed back a yawn. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!! eating disorder, emotionally abusive ex, body hate  
> This is only 2.3k but we tryin I promise :((  
> This chapter is dedicated to the wonderful sunnylovesjeongin I'm sure this isn't what you wanted, and if you want me to redo it or smth, just let me know; it's kinda trash tbh, but I couldn't get it to come together how I wanted. Anyway, I hope you can at least enjoy it a little bit <3   
> Requests are still open!! But there is a bit of a wait bc of other people's requests!! But it'll happen, I promise!!

“Innie,” Woojin cooed, pulling the youngest into his arms. “Have you been eating?” he asked softly. 

Jeongin stiffened slightly, muscles locking. “‘Course,” he mumbled, playing with his fingers. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

Woojin hummed. “Baby, I don’t mean to hound you about this, but I haven’t seen you eat since dinner the night before last.” Woojin paused, keeping his tone free of accusations. “ You can come to me if something is wrong or if eating is getting harder again. But please don’t lie to me.”

Jeongin cleared his throat, pulling away. “I--I did eat. I had some nut mix this morning.”

“How much?” Woojin coaxed, pulling them to both sit on the living room couch. 

Jeongin bit his lip. “J-Just a few,” he sighed. “But I’m really not hungry!” Woojin hummed and pulled Jeongin close to him, placing a soft kiss to the maknae’s temple. 

“Okay, I understand that, but you still need to eat. I know it’s hard sometimes, but we’re all here to make it easier. We all know ways to help you, but we can’t do that if you don’t let us.”

Jeongin pulled away slowly, arms curled around himself protectively as he scooted away slightly. “What if… I didn’t…  _ want _ help?” he whispered slowly, cringing away as though he awaited a blow. 

Woojin seemed stunned for a moment before he was able to collect himself. He angled his body more towards the younger and sighed. “Then, with the utmost love and respect, I’d have to disregard that request for the benefit of your health. Innie, you don’t have to eat much, but you do have to eat.”

“But I--!” Jeongin cut himself off quickly, burying his hands between his thighs as he sucked in a sharp breath. “N-Never mind.”

“It’s okay,” the eldest coaxed, “I’m here to listen to you, not to judge you or get mad or anything. It may take me a while to understand, but I will always listen.”

“I don’t… I don’t want to gain weight,” he admitted, voice small and tinny. “I don’t even like how much I weigh right now, how am I supposed to be gaining weight.”

Woojin hummed, “Ahhh, okay. I see, now. It’s not necessarily that you don’t want to eat but that you don’t want to gain weight?” Jeongin nodded, still keeping his gaze away from the older. Woojin nodded. “Well, I’m not going to say that you’re never going to gain weight--” Jeongin flinched-- “but for now, we just need to concentrate on getting food in you. You can keep up a constant weight with the right type of food and amount of calories. So can we at least do that for now? Keep up this weight for now?”

“I… I can’t promise that…” Woojin felt his heart leave his body before-- “But I promise to try.” Woojin felt his heart slam back into his body full force, leaving him to breathlessly whisper,  _ “okay.” _ Jeongin crawled into Woojin’s lap after that, straddling him and laying him head on the older’s shoulder. “Will you just hold me?”

“As long as you need,” Woojin promised, leaving a small kiss to his hair. 

 

Dinner was coming much too quickly and with much too dread, Jeongin couldn’t help but think, pulling at his hair as he rest his head against the locked bathroom door. He didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to become nauseated by the smell of food, as delicious as it may sometimes seem. But this wasn’t sometimes and he wanted to puke. He groaned, picking up his head slightly just to let it thunk against the door once again.

He had just promised to try, so how could he tell Woojin that he truly thought he’d throw up if he even  _ looked _ at the food. A knock sounded next to his ear, causing him to gasp and stumble away from the door. 

“Jeongin?” came a muffled voice. “Hey, you alright? You’ve been in there a while.”

“I’m fine, hyung; I’ll be out in a minute,” was his shaky response. Jeongin cursed himself silently when he didn’t hear footsteps receding. 

“In, will you open the door for me?” his hyung asked, voice quieter. 

Jeongin weighed his options with a deep breath before letting his fingers sweep over the lock. The door opened and closed quickly as Changbin leaned against the door, posture relaxed. “So why are we hiding out in the bathroom?” he stage-whispered in a weird, raspy voice. 

Jeongin gave a small smile and shook his head. “Hyung is silly.”

“Silly in love with you,” came his instant response as he winked, pores secreting cheese as he spoke. Jeongin pretended to gag, laughter following the action. “But really,” Changbin continued, voice more mellow and kind, “why are you hiding in here?”

Jeongin coughed, trying to get the fear unstuck from the walls of his esophagus. “Well… I’m scared.”

Changbin’s head cocked to the side. “Why?” 

“I don’t… want to eat and--before you give me the lecture about how I need to eat for my health and it isn’t an option--! I  _ know _ . I had this conversation with hyung earlier. And I promised I’d try to keep eating, but I was in the living room after hyung left to make dinner, but the smell made me really nauseous. I don’t want to tell hyung this, especially after I literally just told him I want to lose more weight, but I’m not faking this so I don’t have to eat! I really, genuinely think I’ll throw up if I try to eat anything.”

Changbin nodded slowly as Jeongin spoke, thinking. “Okay, we’ve dealt with this before,” he thought out loud, “so what if we gave you some plain rice or some crackers or something in a different room? That way you don’t have to smell the food and you get something to eat. I’ll even sit with you. I’m not feeling up to ‘ _ extra spicy hangover soup _ ’ and Felix’s inevitable pancakes.”

Jeongin bit his lip, tearing at the dead skin there as he thought. He felt a finger pull at his lower lip and jumped, not noticing his hyung approaching. “Careful,” he whispered, “you’re gonna bleed.” 

Jeongin nodded, feeling heat rush into his cheek. “Would you be willing to…?” He left the question in the air, not sure how to ask without humiliating himself.

“You want me to rub your stomach while we eat?” Changbin offered, a warm palm cupping his cheek. Jeongin nodded, leaning into the comfort. “Of course. You know I can’t say know to my baby.” Jeongin giggled, moving forward and into his hyung’s strong arms. 

“Thank you for not laughing,” he whispered, burying his face into the older’s shoulder. 

“I wouldn’t ever,” Changbin breathed, placing a soft kiss to his hair--just as Woojin had earlier, Jeongin noted. Jeongin pulled away slightly and puffed his lips out. Changin smiled fondly, dragging his fingers along the side of Jeongin’s face before moving forward to kiss the maknae softly. “My baby,” he breathed, holding his partner close and peppering his face and lips with affectionate kisses. 

After a while longer and Jeongin giggling himself into a high, Changbin pulled away. “Now,” Changbin sighed, placing one last kiss to Jeongin’s forehead, “you go to your room, I’ll talk to Jinnie-hyung, and then I’ll be in with some food for us to share.” Jeongin nodded, holding his breath as he skipped off into his room happily. 

Changbin felt his heart sink as he entered the kitchen. “Woojin-hyung,” he sighed. Woojin turned to him curious eyes wide in a way that made Changbin’s heart squeeze with love. “Innie isn’t gonna be able to eat at the table. We got rice or something?”

“Nausea?”

“Yeah, but he was afraid to tell you in case you were mad about the whole promise thing. I told him he and I would eat in his room since even the smell was making him queasy,” Changbin admitted, body suddenly very tired. 

Woojin nodded. “Well, we’ll just have to say it’s better than him refusing food altogether.” Changbin hummed, rubbing at his eyes. “You need a hug?” Woojin mused, widening his arms slightly. The haejangguk could wait. Changbin nodded, falling into the eldest’s arms. He rubbed up and down the younger’s back, swaying slightly. “I know, baby,” he whispered, “just let it go. I’ll hold you through whatever and for however long it takes. You can let go, I’ve got you.” Changbin felt his body sink more into his partner’s as Woojin readjusted his grip on the smaller. 

“I worry about it,” Changbin admitted, hand curling into Woojin’s shirt. “I’ve written more than one song to him, but they just… sit in my notebook, unfinished.”

Woojin hummed. “Well, maybe they can come into play for our next comeback. You could somehow mesh it in with one of the others’ songs, I’m sure.”

Changbin gave a short hum. “Perhaps. But for now, they sit.” Woojin laughed silently, nodding against Changbin’s head. Changbin pulled away finally, smiling fondly at the older. He pushed himself up onto his tiptoes to place a quick kiss to Woojin’s lips. “Thank you, love,” he sighed. “That really helped.” 

Woojin hummed. “Any time, Bin. Now, let me get you some rice. When you go to Innie, can you tell the rest that dinner is ready? I think most of them are in your room.” Changbin nodded, taking the medium-sized bowl from Woojin’s steady hands and walking off. 

He stopped into his room for just a moment to tell the five in there that it was time for dinner. In his on room was Hyunjin, laying on the bed with headphones in, eyes numbly staring at the ceiling. Changbin called his name, but Hyunjin didn’t even twitch so Changbin walked over, crouching next to Hyunjin’s head. Hyunjin’s eyes flickered to Changbin before finding the ceiling again.

Changbin took out one of the earphones gently. “Hello, my prince. It’s time for dinner.”

“Not hungry,” he sighed, pulling the earphone out of Changbin’s hand. 

Changbin pushed away the shock at this behavior. “Maybe not, baby, but you do have to eat something. Jeongin and I are just eating some plain rice in his room. Do you want to join us for that? It’ll be light in your stomach.” Hyunjin shrugged. Changbin stood stretching his hand out and wiggling his fingers. “C’mon. Let’s not keep Jeongin waiting.” Hyunjin sighed but took Changbin’s hand either way. 

They walked into Jeongin’s room slowly, Changbin smiling at the youngers. “Mind if Hyunjin joins us?” Jeongin shook his head, smiling. He could absolutely  _ feel _ that something was wrong.

“Will hyunggie sit in my lap?” Jeongin asked, reaching out for Hyunjin. Hyunjin seemed to be debating with himself before nodding and sitting in Jeongin’s lap, leaning against Jeongin. Jeongin combed through Hyunjin’s hair slowly, humming softly to him as Changbin settled in front of them with the rice. 

“‘M sorry for being in a bad mood. I… was on my private instagram and m-my…” Hyunjin paused, taking a deep breath through his nose. “My ex messaged me. I didn’t even realize I hadn’t unfollowed him; he’d been so quiet, never posted so he didn’t come up on my feed… Nothing. And he DM’d me today.” Jeongin held him tighter, unsure of what to do or say.

“What did he say?” Changbin asked cautiously. 

Hyunjin pulled his phone out quickly, unlocking it and going to his pictures. “I-- I blocked him after I read it, but I screenshotted it just in case… something… I dunno, came of it.” He bit his lip harshly. “I don’t want to reread it so.”

“Yeah, I get it, you don’t have to read it, baby, don’t worry.” Changbin took the phone from him. 

_ Hey slut _ , the message began, causing Changbin’s grip to tighten _ , so you’re still not done with this charade? When are you going to learn that you’re nothing without me? I’ve been watching you. Not just at performances. You’re a mess. Just like you always are. Such a coward, hiding behind those bitches you call bandmates. They’re using you, too, aren’t you? You’ve always been a toy, I’m sure it’s all the same. So why don’t you come back to master like a good little boy? Don’t keep me waiting. You know I’m impatient. _

Changbin coughed slightly, hoping the pain in his chest would lessen the anger in his veins. “You… you said you block and unfollowed him?” Hyunjin nodded, pulling Jeongin’s arms tighter around him. Jeongin did so, bracing one arm across his chest and the other around his waist. “When did this message come in?” 

“Around ten. I-I’ve been in my room all day.”

Changbin nodded. “I think in the morning we need to tell the managers about the message. I don’t… want to scare you, but I don’t think he’s kidding about this. I don’t think we should let it escalate to the point where something could possibly happen.” Hyunjin nodded. “But for now, let’s just eat together.” 

His boys nodded, and he smiled, handing out the chopsticks. Changbin moved to sit behind Jeongin and Hyunjin moved to sit next to the maknae. Jeongin chewed slowly and took bites with long pauses in between. Changbin steadily rubbed warmth into his churning stomach, making him feel a lot better as he ate. Hyunjin ate silently as well, but the music Changbin put on seemed to help the younger’s mood. 

Woojin came in a bit later, after they’d all finished the bowl of rice, to check up on Jeongin, a small smile on his face. “You’re not… mad at me?” Jeongin asked with hesitance, fidgeting slightly. 

Woojin shook his head. “No, baby. You said you’d try and you did. You compromised with Changbin and you ate something. I’m very proud of you.”

Jeongin smiled shyly, thanking him. Woojin laughed, ruffling the maknae’s hair. Jeongin patted his lips with his pointed finger hopefully and Woojin hummed, leaning down to kiss Jeongin sweetly. Woojin kept the kiss soft even as Jeongin halfheartedly pushed for more. “Later, baby,” Woojin mumbled against his lips, causing Jeongin to smile and hum before reattaching their lips. 

“Thank you for being so strong,” the eldest whispered into Jeongin’s lips, the words traveling down his throat and into his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! Sickness, throwing up  
> FUCK IT, Y'ALL'RE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT, I'M NOT EVEN FUCKING PROOF READING IT! DANG!  
> Anyway, hope you like it @Demi_dings and @Seungmins Smile

Seungmin woke up in a cold sweat, uncomfortably cold and hot at the same time and ready to rip his brain out of his nostrils for how it pounded. His throat ached and his stomach turned over itself. He didn’t even have time to stand from his bed before he was throwing up on the floor of the bedroom. 

He groaned as acid filled his nose and coated the back of his teeth. He reached blindly for the tissues he kept on his nightstand to wipe at his lips and blow his nose. Suddenly the door to his room was being opened and Changbin was rushing to his side, careful not to step in anything. 

“Hey,” he cooed quietly, “why don’t we get you to the bathroom?” Seungmin nodded, still feeling nauseous. He guided Seungmin around the mess efficiently and helped him to sit on the lip of the tub, hovering just above the toilet, a water bottle already in his hand. “Drink slowly, okay, baby? Just small sips. I’m gonna go clean up your room, so you stay here, yeah?” 

Seungmin nodded slowly, head pounding and eyelids heavy even as only a nightlight lit their bathroom. Changbin whisked himself away, stopping by the closet full of cleaning supplies before entering the room with Jisung and Hyunjin-- their heaviest sleepers-- and setting up a flashlight angled to the door as to not disturb the others. It took a bit longer than necessary, but the floor was sanitized and free of any bile. He returned the supplies before checking on Seungmin. 

Seungmin watched him as he silently dug through the medicine cabinet, taking out a thermometer and tylenol. Seungmin let the thermometer rest under his tongue, the effort to breathe out his nose painful, but the machine beeped quick enough and Changbin took it out of his mouth. 

“38.5,” Changbin muttered before holding out a few pills. Seungmin’s movements were sluggish as he popped them in his mouth and washed them down. 

“‘M sorry,” he slurred. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

Changbin brushed Seungmin’s bangs away from his eyes. “You’re okay, baby,” he assured. “How is your stomach?”

“Dying,” came the flat response, making Changbin snort. “No, but it doesn’t hurt as badly as it did when I woke up, that’s for sure.”

Changbin hummed, still petting through his hair. “Okay… Do you want to stay in here or go back to bed?”

“Bed,” Seungmin croaked. “But first: brush teeth.” Changbin laughed lightly before agreeing, getting it ready for him so he didn’t have to move too much. Seungmin thanked him as he took the toothbrush, movements jerky and slow, but Changbin didn’t mind holding him steady for just a minute longer… 

Changbin walked at Seungmin’s pace, not trying to rush the younger at all. He helped Seungmin under the covers, assuring Seungmin he’d be back quickly. Changbin rushed into the kitchen, filling a bowl with ice water and grabbing a face rag as well as a pack of crackers and another water bottle. As promised, he made quick work of it. Seungmin was half asleep-- “half” being the key word. 

“Min, this is gonna be cold, but it’s gonna feel good, okay?” Changbin explained. Seungmin nodded, and Changbin rung out the face rag. Seungmin gasp was achingly loud as the rag touched his skin and Changbin shushed him gently, running his hands through the younger’s hair. “Just give it a minute, baby, you’re alright.” Soon enough, Seungmin’s body did relax into his bed, muscles unwinding. Seungmin was out after that and Changbin layed another blanket on top of the younger, knowing he needed to break Seungmin’s fever. 

He got up slowly and debated whether he should tell Chan or Woojin. Woojin had to deal with the last person being ill, and Chan had just gotten to sleep before Changbin had heard Seungmin… Changbin decided he’d let Minho know. He went into the older boy’s room quietly and was gentle in shaking him awake. 

Minho groaned. “Bin?” he rasped, eyes confused. “Hey, baby, what’s wrong?”

“‘S not me,” Changbin assured, running a cool hand through Minho’s hair. “I was just letting you know that Seungmin got sick, and he’s got a fever. I got him back to sleep and cleaned up the throw-up, but I figured I should let  _ someone _ know. For now, I’ve got everything under control, but I wanted you to know in case I needed to wake someone.” 

Minho sighed, falling back into his pillow. “Okay,” he breathed. “Is it bad? Is he in a lot of pain?” 

Changbin shook his head. “Nah, just a bit sensitive and achy. I gave him some tylenol, made him drink water, brush his teeth, and I’ve got two blankets and an ice rag on him.”

Minho nodded, eyes blinking sluggishly. “Okay, just let me know if you need anything. I’ll be sure to let the others know when they wake up. D’you need anything?”

Changbin shook his head. “No; you can go back to bed now, hyung.” Minho sighed and nodded, squeezing Changbin’s hand lightly. Changbin bent and left a kiss to Minho’s forehead. He left the room, returning to Seungmin. The rag was already warm so he wetted and rang it out again, placing it down carefully. 

He knew he needed to get the other two boys out of the room so they didn’t also get sick. Hyunjin, Changbin knew, would have to be carried out of the room because there was no way that boy was going to be getting up anytime soon. Jisung, however, could be coerced enough in the land of the living to move himself. He settled them both in his own bed, careful not to wake Chan in the process. He kissed Jisung goodnight per his request and returned to Seungmin.

The clock ticked slowly from two am to three… then four and five… and it was an achingly slow race to 6:30, but they got there eventually. Changbin heard the telltale footsteps of the youngest and Minho moving around, rubbing at his eyes and shifting slightly to get more comfortable. The door behind him opened slowly and Minho’s head peaked around it, smiling slightly as he held out a cup of coffee. 

Changbin thanked him in a quiet voice before accepting the cup, leaning into the hand that began to massage his scalp. “Have you slept at all?”

Changbin shook his head. “No, Seungmin’s been vaguely in and out of consciousness so I’ve been getting him to drink some water whenever possible. I’m going to wait until he wakes to take his temperature, but I think his fever’s almost broke.” 

Minho hummed. “Well, why don’t you take a nap? I’m up now anyways, I can take care of him.” 

Changbin nodded, accepting the hand offered to him. “Have I ever told you you’re an absolute  _ god _ ?” he stressed. A sharp pain shot up his tailbone but he ignored it and instead pecked Minho’s lips a few times. Minho smirked into the kisses. 

“A few times,” he mused, “but I never mind hearing it again.” Changbin chuckled and leaned forward, stealing one last kiss before picking up his mug again and leaving the room with a wink. He ran into Chan stumbling out of their shared bedroom, startling himself. 

“Oh, hyung! I was just coming to see you.” Chan hummed, and Changbin pulled the older into a tight hug when Chan nudged his arms. “Seungmin got sick last night so I took care of him. He threw up and had a fever, but it’s breaking and I’ve been keeping him as hydrated as I can.” Chan frowned, pulling away. 

“Min is sick…?” he asked slowly, still trying to blink sleep out of his eyes. Changbin nodded and Chan’s frown deepened. “Why didn’t you wake me last night?”

Changbin left a kiss to Chan’s cheek. “You had barely fallen asleep when Seungmin threw up, and Woojin-hyung dealt with the last sick kid so I let Minho know what was going on in case I needed someone. I took care of it, don’t worry.” Chan was still frowning, but he nodded either way. “Minho-hyung is taking over for a little so I can go power nap.” Chan kissed him goodnight-- good morning?-- and let him go cuddle with Felix. 

 

Seungmin groaned awake, feeling his entire body ache and tremble. He felt absolutely terrible and he was ready to make it stop. But there was a gentle hand in his hair and maybe he didn’t want to make it stop  _ that badly… _ He pried the sleep sand from his eyelids so he could open his eyes. Minho was smiling gently down at him and he groaned, stomach churning. 

“Good morning, sunshine,” he greeted, voice soft. “It’s time to take some medicine and eat a few crackers. Do you think you can do that for me?”

Seungmin nodded even though he was doubtful. He was grateful when Minho helped him sit up, sure his arms would have given out under him if he’d tried alone. The process of getting the medicine in his mouth and down his throat was long and too exhausting in Seungmin’s humble opinion, and he didn’t  _ want _ the crackers Minho offered him. 

“Min,” Minho began in a serious tone, “you threw everything up last night, and you need to put something besides medicine in your stomach. You don’t have to eat many and you don’t have to eat them quickly. Hell, I will break them apart and feed them to you.”

Seungmin looked hopeful-- he wouldn’t have to tired himself out if he didn’t have to feed himself. “Would you…?” 

Minho sighed, nodding as he pulled out a cracker. It took Seungmin nearly half an hour to eat five crackers, the younger beginning to doze off sitting up at a few points. Minho tucked the younger back in after a bit more water, and Seungmin instantly fell back asleep. 

An hour later, Seungmin woke up again, this time whining and grabbing blindly for a hand he knew had to be there. It was Woojin’s, he noted almost immediately. “ _ Hyung _ ,” he whined, tears welling behind his closed eyelids. “Hyunggie, I don’t feel good.”

Woojin was gentle as he gathered Seungmin in his arms. “Hey, now, Sunshine, no need to cry. Hyung is here, I know it hurts, but it’ll get better.” Woojin rubbed up and down the younger’s back as Seungmin let a few tears go. “I need you to stay up for a little while, though. I need to take your temperature and get you to eat some more.”

Seungmin let out a high whine, clinging tighter to Woojin. Woojin shushed him, petting through his hair. Seungmin buried his face into Woojin harder, letting out the warm tears. Woojin calmed him with gentle whispers and promises of things they’d get to do when he felt better. 

After a while, Seungmin  _ did  _ calm down, and Woojin was able to take the younger’s temperature. “37.1,” he sighed in relief-- his fever had broken. Woojin left a gentle kiss to Seungmin’s forehead, cradling him to his chest gently. “Everything’s downhill from here, baby. You’ll feel better in no time.” Seungmin sniffled and nodded, willingly taking the glass of water and pills Woojin held out to him even though his hands were still shaking pretty badly. 

“You need to eat, too, so is there anything in particular you want me to make you? Something light, like soup.” 

“Chicken soup and ginseng?” he asked hopefully. Woojin hummed, leaving a kiss to his forehead before helping him lay back down and gliding out of the room with an air of gentle determination. 

A few moments later, Jeongin came in, holding a folded piece of computer paper. Seungmin blinked sleepily at the youngest, head tilting into the pillow. “What’chu got there, In?” he asked, mouth leaking sluggish sound waves. 

“I made you a ‘get well’ card,” he admitted, sheepish. He held it out for Seungmin to take, and Seungmin opened the card. A cartoonish version of he and Jeongin stood, hugging, as Jeongin wished him healthiness. On the table of their setting rested a bouquet of flowers and a small shark plushie. “I can’t get you real flowers, but I figured this might be a good replacement.”

Seungmin smiled gently up at the maknae, reaching out to grab his hand. “I love it, Innie, it’s amazing. Your  _ drawing _ is amazing.” Jeongin’s face lit up in a bright smile, showing off his teeth. Seungmin tugged him down to his level and left a kiss to his cheek. “You’re so cute, my Innie. So talented.” Jeongin giggled, cheeks now rosy as his eyes scrunched in joy. 

Jeongin gave Seungmin his own kiss, thanking him, the lilt of his voice carrying happiness like ocean waves carry sand away from the shore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent like an hour editing this chapter. Love me. It's only 6k, though :///  
> Part 1/? - Sengjin's arrival.  
> No warnings apply??? I don't think??? Let me know if you need something specific tagged.

Minho walked into the dance studio with two purposes and prominent eye bags. He got there before Minji and set up the computer and stereo, ready for the critique. He completed his stretches and downed some water before Minji walked in, apologizing for being late and holding a sleeping Kisoo on her hip. Minho helped her set up Kisoo’s corner, and she set her child down carefully. 

She huffed before straightening. “Okay, so I’ve got the SD card and my notes. Want to get started now?” 

“Can I actually ask you something first?” he asked, ringing his hands together. She paused, nodding. 

“Oh-- uh, sure. What’s up?” she inquired, walking over to the table and patting the unoccupied seat. Minho sat and took in a deep breath, steeling himself.

“Okay, so you remember me talking about my little brother? Sengjin?” She nodded, tilting her head. “Well, apparently, he got Mother to agree to let him come up here for a week, and I was wondering if… you know a way I could approach JYP-nim about this? Do you think he’d let Sengjin stay with us at the dorm?” 

Minji smiled, dimples showing. “Minho-yah, I will talk to oppa for you, okay? I’ll get everything straightened out. I’ve got to give him a video of us both dancing our draft after this so I’ll bring it up then if he’s in a good mood, okay? And he’d be staying with you for how many nights?”

“Nine. Mother said he could stay a week plus travel days.”

Minji nodded. “Then it’s done. And if he isn’t in a good mood today, then I’ll ask him tomorrow. Do you want me to set a date as well? Or would you rather go to him for that? I mean, obviously all of Stray Kids would have off for the week, so…” Minho bit his lip. He was terrified of JYP-nim, and he couldn’t even imagine going to him alone about his brother. “You know what,” Minji spoke up before Minho could open his mouth, “I’ll just do it. No reason to prolong your brother’s arrival.” 

Minho let out a relieved breath and nodded. “Thank you… so much, Minji-noona. It means… everything to me.” Minji hummed.

“It’s nothing, Minho. You boys deserve a real break and you deserve to see your brother.” Minho nodded, smiling, and turned to the computer, pulling up the video as Minji opened a notebook. 

In another four hours, after cleaning up the dance and recording it (and getting a bit distracted by Kisoo), they were finished, exhausted, and sweaty. Minji sucked in a deep breath. “Okay,” she breathed, releasing the air, “now time to see oppa. I won’t forget to ask about your brother, I promise. But you need to go home to your boys-- I’ll call you when I have the answer.” 

Minho nodded, thanking her with a deep bow. He hugged a giggling Kisoo goodbye before leaving with another ‘thank you’ to Minji. He was quick in getting home and back to his boy. He collapsed into the first person he came across-- Felix-- and wrapped himself tightly around them. 

Felix seemed surprised at the contact but held him either way. “Welcome home, hyung.” he greeted slowly, brows furrowed. “How did it go?”

Minho squeezed Felix tighter against him. “Jikseu, it went really fucking well… and Minji is going to ask JYP-nim for me…” 

“Ask him what?” he inquire, frowning. Minho perked up, releasing the younger. 

“Oh, that’s right!” he gasped. “Is everyone home right now?”

Felix nodded. “Uh, yeah, Chan-hyung came back from the store a few minutes ago.”

“Good! Can you help me gather them all and bring them into the living room?”

“Of course… Is this a good thing or a bad thing?”

“I hope with all my heart it’s a good one,” Minho admitted, walking away to find Chan. Felix felt lost at Minho’s cryptid words, but honestly he shouldn’t expect anything else, he reasoned. It’s Minho-hyung. He went to find the others anyway.

 

Once everyone was settled and together in the living room, Minho took in a deep breath. “Okay, guys, listen… So you all have heard me talking about my little brother, Sengjin, and you’ve all heard me talk about my mother.” They all had varying degrees of agreeing, but he got a response from everyone. “Well, Sengjin said that Mother agreed to let him come visit me for a week without she or Dad. And Minji-noona agreed to talk with JYP-nim, but… I need to make sure all of you are okay with my brother coming. And… if you would mind him staying here for the week.”

Hyunjin frowned. “I mean, I’m all for it, hyung, but are we just gonna leave him in here alone while we’re working?” 

Minho shook his head. “No. Noona said she’d get us all the time he’s here off. But I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable with him being here. He-- he won’t mind our relationship, I know that so you don’t have to worry, and--!”

“Minho-hyung!”  Jeongin cut in. “None of us are protesting,” he noted. “We’re all okay with it. Personally, I think it’d be cool to meet him. You always speak so fondly of him.”

Minho felt his heart flutter and lungs squeeze in the best of ways. “So none of you are opposed to it…?” he asked, the hope in his chest making him feel like a child. No one gave any indication of discomfort or disagreement so Minho jumped happily before surging forward and hugging and kissing each of his boyfriends individually, thanking them with a choked-up voice.

Each one of them returned the affection in their own way. (And if Hyunjin made him linger a little bit longer, well, that was only his boys’ business.) When his phone began to ring loudly, he startled before pulling it out. 

“Yeoboseyo?” he greeted.

“Ah, Minho-yah, you pick up quickly,” Minji laughed.

“My ringer was on,” he laughed sheepishly. 

Minji hummed. “Well, I’ve got all sorts of good news. First, Jinyoung-oppa loved the choreo and he wants it to be the title song and everything. Next, he was in a good so I asked him about your Sengjin and it took a little convincing and Kisoo’s puppy eyes, but he can stay in the dorms for the entire stay and he’ll pay for his ride in full. Third, he said you can make it as soon as Friday if you want, just let me know when so I can get them to clear your schedule.” 

Minho felt his mouth drop. “I--” He took in a deep breath and shook himself out of it. “Are you serious? Friday as in two days from now?” His boyfriends all looked at him sharply, only catching half of the conversation (and not the informative part). 

“Yeah. As soon as that. But again, you need to let me know when he’s coming, okay?” Minji repeated. 

Minho nodded before he remembered she couldn’t see him and he stuttered out an agreement, thanking her repeatedly. She laughed and brushed off his gratitude, finally getting him to stop and hang up the phone. Minho let himself settle (fall) on the ground, heart so full of love and gratitude that it physically hurt. 

He pulled up his brother’s contact and prayed he’d be able to pick up. On the last ring, the receiver clicked and Sengjin answered the phone with enthusiasm. 

“Hey, angel,” Minho breathed quietly. “How would you like to come up on Friday?”

There was silence on the line for a long time. Before: “Are you serious, hyung? You got your people to agree?”

“Y-Yeah. You’ll be staying with us at the dorms, all of my boys are okay with it, and JYP-nim is even paying for your ride here and back,” Minho explained. “You can come up as soon as Friday. I-I finished the choreo, he approved of it, was really happy about it, too, by the sounds of it.”

“Yes!” Sengjin cheered. “Yes! I would love to come up on Friday! Are you gonna be able to pick me up?” he asked happily. 

Minho smiled softly. “Even better, kid. I’ll be able to spend the whole week with you.”

“You got the time off!” he yelled and Minho laughed, pulling the phone away from his ear slightly. “Ah! I’m so happy!”

“Hey,” he chuckled, “you don’t want to get dizzy. Take a breath.” He could hear the loud inhale and exhale and felt his shoulder relax in a way he hadn’t even realized he’d been tense. “Yeah. Like that,” he agreed, voice quiet. 

“I’m gonna tell Mom and Dad. Then, I’m gonna pack!” he planned. “And-and I’m gonna bring you so many sweets and-- Oh! What about Dad’s kimchi quiche! You know, that thing he mixed the French thing and kimchi with?”

Minho laughed lightly. “Yeah, I know the one… I’d love that, Sengjin.” Sengjin giggled happily. “I’m gonna let Minji-noona know that we need the tickets for Friday and next Saturday.”

Sengjin hummed. “Yeah, and don’t forget to send them to me! Otherwise, Friday is gonna be  _ reeeaaal _ awkward,” he drawled. “Oh! I almost forgot! Will I get to meet all your boyfriends?” 

Minho laughed. “Yeah, Seng-ie, you know we all live together, what kind of question is that?”

“Well, you never know! Maybe they’re all relocating to a motel for the week!” Sengjin explained sincerely. 

Minho laughed before assuring Sengjin that they would, in fact, be there for the week. Sengjin had to go shortly after that, and Minho bade him goodbye. He let himself lay back in relief as the phone call ended.

“Hey, kitten, you okay down there?” Chan checked.

Minho hummed. “Just… happy. Really, really happy.” He took in a deep breath and got up Minji’s contact, sending her a message. Ten minutes later, the tickets were being sent to Sengjin and Minho was wrapped up in a blanket by Changbin for cuddles. Minho sighed, melting into Changbin’s chest. 

 

Almost too soon, it was Friday and Minho was going alone to pick up his little brother. (“ _ Wait,” Chan had stopped him as he was walking out, “how old is your brother?” “Fifteen.” Chan frowned. “He’s just a baby!” Minho laughed all the way down the hall. _ )

He waited in the station, tapping his foot impatiently, waiting until the clocked ticked to 2PM and the train arrived. 

The train, despite Minho getting there twenty minutes early in the  _ cold _ , was half an hour late. Even so, Sengjin rushed as fast as he could to Minho, letting his suitcase drop when he was close enough to crash into Minho in a hug. “Crash,” however, implies that he had enough body weight to at least sway Minho, but Sengjin did not. He was too thin, but his smile was bright enough to overlook that. 

Minho felt his brother bury his face into his own neck. “Hey, kid, it’s okay. I’m right here,” he soothed when he felt his brother begin to shake. “Don’t cry, Seng-ie, it’s okay.”

Sengjin nodded into his brother’s shoulder, pulling back and wiping at his eyes. “I missed hyung,” he explained, lacing their hands together.

“I missed you too,” Minho said, placing a soft kiss to his forehead. “But it’s too cold for you to be out here so why don’t we get in the car.” Sengjin nodded and let Minho pick up his suitcase.

“Oh, be careful! The kimchi quiches are in there! Dad made three so everyone could have some.” Sengjin explained. Minho nodded.

The ride back was filled with Minho holding Sengjin in a tight hug as Sengjin described the train ride-- his first ever. At the door of the apartment, Minho sighed and turned to Sengjin, stopping them both. “Listen, Sengjin, there’s a lot of people in the dorm. You need to let me know if it becomes too much. They’re touchy people, but they’re kind and they will back off if you ask them to stop. They’re all really excited to meet you, though.”

Sengjin nodded. “That’s a relief! I’m really excited to meet them, too… I mean, they’ve made you so happy, how can I not?” 

Minho chuckled and ruffled his hair before unlocking and opening the front door. He let Sengjin enter first and helped him out of his tennis shoes since he had a hard time with the small strings before tugging in the suitcase and slipping his own shoes off. 

“You want slippers?” Minho asked. Sengjin nodded shyly, and Minho laughed. “Yah, no need to be so tense.” Sengjin giggled and hugged him tightly. Minho sighed but gently ran a hand through his hair, holding him close. When Sengjin pulled away, he was smiling brightly. 

Minho pulled his brother to the living room where most of his boys were gathered. “Sengjin, these are my boys,” Minho introduced. “Well, except for Woojin, he’s in the kitchen cooking. Do you know them all by face?”

“Mhmm! I learned them during the show!” Sengjin bowed lowly, smiling. “Please take care of me well!” 

“Aigoo,” Chan sighed, putting a hand to his cheek. “Min, he’s so cute!”

“He looks like you, too, hyung!” Jeongin added, leaning into Felix and lacing their fingers together. “Very handsome!”

“And his smile is adorable, too,” Seungmin added quietly, hiding slightly behind Changbin.

Sengjin was giggling happily, cheeks flushed. “Aw, thank you all!” He bowed again before straightening and turning to Minho. He spoke semi-quietly. “Hyungie, you weren’t kidding! They really are prettier in person.”

Minho laughed. “Yeah, Sengjin, they are…” 

Woojin came out of the kitchen, then, and bowed when he made eye contact with Sengjin. “Ah, hello,” he greeted. “You arrived just in time for lunch!” 

Sengjin bowed in return. “Thank you so much for your hard work, Woojin-ssi.”

“Hyung is just fine for all of us,” Woojin chided gently. “No need to act so formal.” 

Sengjin blushed, but his smile widened. “Yes, hyung!” 

Woojin chuckled before coaxing everyone into the kitchen. Minho put the quiches up, declaring that they were for dinner. Lunch was peaceful as they interrogated Sengjin and asked about embarrassing stories of Minho.

“Well, there aren’t many,” Sengjin admitted. “Hyung spent his time with me and studying for the most part. Oh! And dancing. He used to come in with lots of dances he’d found and he’d learn them all in front of me! It was so much fun…” 

Felix clutched at his heart. “Minho-hyung, I think I’m falling in love with you again.”

Minho chuckled. “Aish, don’t be so dramatic, Jikseu.”

Felix let out an indignant squawk at being brushed off, but Sengjin spoke up. “Aw, hyung, what’s the fun if you’re not being dramatic! I mean, it makes everything so much more interesting.” Felix snorted, covering his mouth. 

Minho sighed. “Yeah, yeah, just team up against me…”

Sengjin giggled happily before turning to the three sitting across from him. “You three… make up 3RACHA,” Sengjin began slowly, suddenly hesitant. The trio nodded, Jisung smiling happily. “I listen to your music a lot, even when hyung was a trainee. It’s very good. It means a lot and it helped me a lot in some rough times. So… thank you.”

Chan sucked in a breath. “I’m glad we could help you,” he admitted in a near whisper. “I’m very, very glad.”

Jisung nodded. “Yeah, I’m glad our music could at least reach and help one person. It honestly makes music and making music more than worth it”

“It’s more than one person!” Sengjin piped up, voice louder and more confident than just a moment before. “There are a whole bunch of people I know that listen to you and you helped all of them, too! You’re touching so many people’s lives and helping so many people just live day to day and I don’t think you even know it! I mean, your messages are so strong and raw and…” His voice grew soft again. “And you’ve saved a lot of live…” 

“ _ You saved my life _ ,” lingered in the air, unsaid but heard. 

Jisung smiled gently and reached across the table to grab the young boy’s hand. “I’m happy you were able to get out of that situation, and I hope you never have to go back, but we as Stray Kids-- no, we as your brother’s lovers--, are here for you anytime you need us.” 

Sengjin bit his lip and nodded, trying to keep the tears from gathering in his eyes. His phone went off just then and Sengjin startled before swiping the alarm off. 

“If you will excuse me, I will be back in a moment,” Sengjin excused, standing and bowing.

“Yah!” Minho called, head tilting in his brother’s direction. “Take some water with you.”

“I’m just taking them dry, hyung,” Sengjin explained.

Minho shook his head. “No, that’s not good for your throat. Take the water with you.” Sengjin sighed before grabbing his glass and placing a kiss to the top of his brother’s head. “Better,” Minho sighed, shooing him out. 

Sengjin was back quickly, and the cup was empty of its contents. “That actually was a lot better,” Sengjin admitted. He yawned. “But I’m kind of tired now. A lot… happened today. Can I take a nap?”

“Do you usually take naps now?” Minho inquired gently.

Sengjin hummed. “Only when I’ve been really active. It’s just an hour or two. I set an alarm…”

Minho nodded, pushing Sengjin’s bangs out of his face. “Okay, then let’s get you settled in my bed,” he offered, voice soft.

“Would he be more comfortable in my bed?” Chan inquired. “Because if so, he can use my bed, I don’t mind.”

Minho smiled. “Thank you, hyung, I think he’d like that much better. C’mon, Seng-ie, let’s get you settled.”

Sengjin hummed, eyes heavy as Minho lifted him to his feet (which wasn’t the slightest bit difficult) and guided him to the leader’s room. He helped Sengjin under the cover and brushed his hair out of his face. “No need to set an alarm,” Minho whispered, “hyung will wake you up.” Sengjin nodded before rolling onto his side, facing Minho. In literal seconds, the boy was asleep, and Minho sighed, turning off the light and slipping out of the room. 

His boys had left the kitchen by the time he returned. He settled between Hyunjin and Changbin and sighed. “Your brother is sweet,” Hyunjin remarked, wrapping an arm around the older’s waist.

“He is,” Minho declared softly. “The sweetest kid I’ve ever known.”

Hyunjin hummed. “And he loves you so much. He really looks up to you.”

Minho shrugged. “I suppose. I wish I could do more for him, but I can’t-- not really. Just a few things once in a blue moon.”

“That’s enough,” Changbin whispered. “Those small things are all he needs to know you love him and care.”

Minho hummed. “I guess. But you’ve been really quiet. Something wrong, baby?”

Changbin shook his head. “Just got to get used to having… another person here.”

Minho looked at him with worried eyes, sitting forward. “Are you not okay with him--?”

“That’s not it!” Changbin broke in quickly. Minho sunk back into the couch, eyes still worried. “I’ve just got to get used to another presence. He isn’t some, I don’t know, superficial part of our life like the make-up or coordi noonas. He’s someone important, and I’m just a bit anxious.”

Minho pushed himself up, placing a soft kiss to Changbin’s jaw. “He’s going to love you, Binnie. He’s kinda smitten with you,” he laughed. “He thinks you’re the coolest rapper, and I think he asks about you the most…” Minho sighed. “The point is, Changbinnie, you’re not gonna mess anything up with him. I know it isn’t that easy and you can’t just turn it all off, but maybe that will reassure a little.”

“He likes my rapping...?”

“And your face,” Minho added. “Thinks you look very good.”

Changbin smiled. “Are you sure that’s not just you talking, hyung?” he hummed, leaning down so the lips were just millimeters apart.

“It isn’t, but I can promise he isn’t wrong in the slightest,” Minho breathed before kissing Changbin, eyes closing upon contact. Their kiss was innocent enough, and Minho gasped when an arm snaked around his waist, causing them to break apart.

“Don’t I get a Binnie-hyung kiss, too?” Hyunjin pouted.

Changbin laughed breathily. “Of course, Jin.” Changbin leaned past Minho’s shoulder to kiss Hyunjin. Minho sighed, melting between them. This. This is what he loved. Who he loved.

 

Before he knew it, the two hours were up and he needed to get Sengjin up. He hadn’t wanted Sengjin to set an alarm because he knew from experience that he would startle awake uncomfortably from alarms. It was better for him if he was woken up gently-- hence Minho going to wake him. 

He was quiet in entering and glided over to the bed with expert ease despite the darkness. He ran a warm hand through Sengjin’s hair, calling his name gently. It took a few minutes and Minho slowly growing louder for Sengjin to open to his eyes lazily. 

“Hey, kid,” Minho greeted. “It’s time for you to get up, yeah?” Sengjin hummed but didn’t attempt to move. Minho frowned. “Do you want to sleep a bit longer?”

Sengjin shook his head. “Nah, I just… need a minute to wake up.”

Minho hummed. “Take your time, then. I just didn’t want to make you if you needed the sleep.” Sengjin hummed but shook his head, assuring Minho he didn’t. After a few more moments, Sengjin sat up, breathing deeply. Then, after a moment more, he swung his legs off the edge of the bed. Minho helped him up the rest of the way. 

“My boys really like you, Seng,” Minho told him, brushing Sengjin’s too-long bangs out of his eyes. Sengjin smiled sleepily. “And Sung ranted to me after about how much your words at lunch meant to him. You’re really touching their hearts and you’ve only been here for a few hours.”

“I hope so,” he sighed. “That’s all I want in life. To touch someone’s heart. To change their life for the better.”

“You’ve already done that, Seng. You did that to me,” Minho breathed. 

Sengjin sniffled, looking Minho in the eye. “Are you serious?” Minho nodded, smiling. “Aw, hyung, now I’m gonna cry and my eyes are gonna get all puffy…” 

Minho laughed. “Then don’t cry!” Sengjin grumbled playfully as Minho lead him to the living room. Two different people were in the living room when he returned, and Minho greeted them softly. Sengjin sat in the recliner, curling up under the throw blanket, and he sighed gently. 

“You’re cold?” Seungmin asked quietly. 

Sengjin nodded. “But I’m always cold so it’s fine. ‘S not like the dorms are too cold or anything.” Seungmin nodded slowly, making eye contact with Minho. Minho shook his head and smiled reassuringly so Seungmin sank back into the couch with a slow nod. 

Minho came around the sofa and sat in Felix’s lap. Felix immediately wrapped his arms around Minho’s waist and left a kiss to Minho’s cheek. Minho smiled, patting Felix’s cheek with affection. “Where’d Binnie go?”

“Hyung went to help Chan-hyung and Jisung with some composing. They said they’d be back in an hour or two. Apparently, they had a breakthrough and called Binnie-hyung when you went to wake up Sengjin-yah,” Felix explained, resting his chin over Minho’s shoulder.

Minho hummed and leaned back against Felix. “And Innie, Hyunjin, and Woojin-hyung?”

“Jeongin went with Jin to his room. I think Innie started feeling bad,” Seungmin sighed, leaning into his partners. “And Woojin-hyung went to his room, asked if he could have a few minutes alone.” Seungmin sighed. “He seemed pretty agitated.”

Minho hummed, worry coursing through his veins. “I see. I’ll go check on him in a minute…” Minho bit his lip, thinking about the best way to approach this. He shook his head. He knew what to do, why was  he trying to overthink it? “Sengjin, do you want to watch anything special?” Sengjin shook his head so Seungmin chose instead (Felix would have chosen, but he was pleasantly trapped under his boyfriend and didn’t want Minho to move). 

Minho placed a kiss to Felix and Seungmin’s cheeks before declaring he’d be back. Sengjin smiled at Minho as he left, and Minho stopped to ruffle his hair and drop a kiss to his head. He slipped into the dark room quietly, smiling when Woojin looked up at him. 

“Hey,” Minho greeted quietly. “How’re you doing?”

Woojin huffed and laid his head back against the pillow. “Why’re you in here?” he deadpanned. Woojin didn’t get like this often-- ‘this’ being agitated and ready to snap at any moment-- but sometimes he did, and Minho and Chan had learned how to deal with it. 

“I came to see if you wanted company.” Woojin rolled his eyes as Minho sat down on the edge of his bed. 

“Well, I don’t. Can you go now?”

Minho reached out slowly, ignoring the comment and running a hand through Woojin’s locks slowly. “How long have you been feeling like this, baby? Why didn’t you come to me or Chan-hyung?”

Woojin narrowed his eyes and turned away, pulling his hair away from Minho’s fingers. “Leave.” 

Minho sighed quietly. He didn’t… and didn’t… and didn’t. Eventually, forty minutes had passed and Woojin spoke. “Fine. ‘S been a day or two, are you fuckin’ happy?” Minho felt himself startle. Woojin didn’t curse. Like, ever. And when he  _ did _ it was never when he wasn’t in a good mood and using it to emphasize how much he loved them all. 

“Are you not going to answer my second question, then?” Minho asked, voice gentle. 

Woojin grunted. But Minho still didn’t leave, and Woojin cracked a few minutes later. He flipped over harshly, glaring at Minho. “Because you have your brother and Chan is working on shit in the studio. Why should I fucking bother if you two are busy? Leave me alone, and leave the room. It’s not your problem anyway.” Minho couldn’t do that. Minho  _ knew _ that if he did that then Woojin would get worse and angrier and harder to get out of this slump. 

“Why don’t we go on a walk together, hyung?” Minho suggested, resting a warm hand on Woojin’s bicep. Woojin rolled his eyes and didn’t respond to Minho. “Come on, hyung, I’m gonna grab you a coat so it’s time to get up. We’ll go to the park for a little while.”

“I’m not getting up. Go back to your damn brother.”

Minho sucked in a breath between his teeth, hissing. “Aw, see, no can do… Seungmin and Felix are with him right now sooo,” he drawled, shrugging, “I don’t need to be there. Now c’mon, I grabbed Channie-hyung’s jacket for you and everything.” Woojin still didn’t make to move, glaring at Minho. Minho huffed. “Hyung, I love you, but I am not above calling Chan-hyung on you. So we can go on a walk on our own or I can pull Chan away and he can drag you out of bed.”

Woojin’s glare deepened as he sat up slowly and tore the hoodie out of Minho’s hand violently. Minho smiled sweetly and placed a kiss to Woojin’s cheek. He pulled Woojin to the door once the hoodie was on. “Seungmin, Felix, I’m taking Woojin with me to the park. You two are on babysitting duty until I get back. Sengjin, behave and I love you! See you three in a few!”

And them the door shut. Seungmin met Felix’s worried eyes with a shrug. “Hyung can handle Woojin-hyung,” he placated, entwining their hands. “I’m not sure, though, why Minho-hyung had to declare us babysitters.”

Sengjin giggled. “He’s extra like that.” He pulled his legs to his chest and rested his chin on his knee, sighing quietly. “Hyung really hasn’t changed much. Well, except for the fact that meeting you all made him a million times happier.”

“Oh?” Felix hummed as he leaned forward, intrigued.

Sengjin nodded. “Well, yeah. See, I was really sick even before I went into the hospital and my parents--well, Momma-- liked to take from hyung and give to me-- she kind of still does, in a way. It was always to make sure I was happy. Hyung  _ says _ he was happy even though all those things happened, but I think he’s stretching the truth.” Sengjin shrugged. “I don’t doubt he loves me or that he didn’t mind staying with me in the hospital all the time, but I don’t think he was as happy as he pretended back then. I mean, Momma and Dad would take away his stuffies and toys and presents and spare money and candy and all that just because they thought it would make me happier. As though hyung wasn’t suffering because of it.” His voice had grown quiet as he thought about it. 

“I… I didn’t need all that, ya know? I just needed  _ my family _ . And they were there! So it isn’t even like I didn’t have that. My parents just gave to me frivolously and forgot about Minnie-hyung. Or maybe they didn’t forget. Maybe they didn’t care… But I always tried to give him his stuff back after Momma and Dad left the room, but he’d always smile and say ‘ _ No, Seng-ie, it’s yours. I’m happier you have it, anyway. I didn’t need it _ .’” Sengjin huffed, wiping at his eyes. “He did that for everything. And sometimes when he thought I was sleeping, he’d just… cry and cry. But the moment he thought someone was coming or I was waking up, he acted fine, smiling. There was never a hint that he’d been crying. He’s good at pretending.”

“He’s like that now, too,” Felix admitted quietly. “It doesn’t happen often anymore, but he still does that type of thing. He’s trying to stop, but it’s hard for him.”

Sengjin laughed humorlessly. “Everything’s hard for him. Hyung hasn’t gotten a break in so long. Well… except for you all. When he joined Chan-hyung’s group of trainees, he called me and his voice was happier than I’d probably ever heard it. Then, even during the show when he was scared and sad, he still sounded genuinely happy about it all because Jisung-hyung had sat in his lap and played with his fingers… Then, he came home after eliminations and sobbed because he thought he’d lost the eight of you. Later, JYP called and he told me, ‘ _ Seng-ah, if this is still the end of me in Stray Kids, at least I’ll be able to tell them all goodbye properly. _ ’” Sengjin scoffed lightly. “My brother is crazy.”

Seungmin’s laugh was breathy as he nodded. “That’s for sure. The first time he kissed me, he asked me if he’d been stabbed or if that was his heart falling in love.”

Sengjin laughed, cheeks rising as his lips curved up. “Yeah,” Felix continued, “and the first time I told him I loved him, he said that either the world was playing the most horrid trick on him and he was going to die tragically or that an angel with freckles had somehow fallen in love with a peasant.”

“That’s so dramatic!” Sengjin gasped. Felix nodded back, laughing happily. 

The front door opened to reveal 3RACHA stepping into the alcove to slip off their shoes, and Sengjin stood, bowing to them as they came in. Chan waved him off. “Aish, don’t do that! Sit! You don’t greet your brother like that, do you?” Sengjin blushed and sat, curling back up. “Ah, you two,” Chan said, pointing to the younger two on the couch, “ did Minho and Woojin-hyung leave? Because I think I saw them, but I’m not sure if it was actually them.”

Felix nodded, grimacing slightly. “Woojin needed… some air. Hyung has it under control though, and we’re babysitting Sengjin until he comes back.”

Chan hummed in understanding before directing his attention back to the youngest once again. “Mind if we join you?” Sengjin shook his head quickly and Chan smiled as the three newcomers took their places on the sofa (with Jisung in Chan’s lap, of course).

“We were just talking about Minho-hyung,” Seungmin filled in. “We kinda forgot about the movie playing…” The trio hummed in understanding. They would, too, if they had been talking about their Minho… 

“Ah!” Jisung piped happily. “Sengjin-ah! Minho-hyung said you really like our Binnie-hyung’s rapping. Is that right?”

Sengjin looked down shyly. “Uh… I mean, yes… I mean--” he looked up in alarm-- “I like all of your voices, it’s just--!”

“It’s okay,” Chan cut in gently, “we get it. There’s no offence taken.”

“W-Well, see, I really like Changbin-hyung’s rapping style and his unique voice just… really emphasizes his fast rapping and impactful lyrics,” Sengjin explained, a hand rubbing nervously at the back of his neck.

“Thank you,” Changbin murmured, smiling, “that means a lot.” Sengjin nodded, smiling shyly. 

“And what about our Minho were you talking about?” Chan asked. “Because now that I’m thinking about it, I’m kind of curious.”

Seungmin grinned. “His dramatics and how overly giving he is.”

“Oh, tell me about it!” Jisung roared, cheeks coloring. “One time, he handed me a thornless rose and told me that he wouldn’t hide his feelings anymore and that the rose was his heart, bare and vulnerable!” He sighed dreamily. “And I may or may not have cried after that, but that’s not the important part of the story!”

Changbin hummed. “And he once came up to me wearing my hoodie, and when I asked him why he was wearing it, he said it smelled like me-- fair enough, that’s a common response. But then he went on to say that the only issue was it didn’t seem to hold the amount of love and security as my arms. We hugged for a good fifteen minutes after that.” Sengjin cooed happily at the sappy story, giggling.

“Minho came up to me a while back, and he was pouting which is pretty normal when it gets late and he wants to cuddle. So, of course, I let him sit with me while I was in the studio and he curled into my side, you know, as he does. I didn’t have my headphones in since no one else was working at that time. And the song was pretty bass-heavy. After a little while, I thought he had fallen asleep, but then he mumbles, ‘ _ I can’t tell if the beating in my chest is the bass or my heart, but one way or the other I don’t want it to stop because I think I just realized I’d go to the ends of the earth to keep you safe. _ ’” Chan sighed, pulling Jisung tighter against his chest as Jisung cooed, dropping a kiss to his cheek. 

Sengjin giggled. “He is  _ such _ a romantic,” he sighed, playfully rolling his eyes. The boys all gave some degree of agreement. “Thank you all… for being so good to my hyung. He… acts so strong, and he is, but he’s also so, so fragile. And you’ve given him happiness and support. So thank you.”

 

It was another half hour before Minho and Woojin returned, Woojin feeling quite a bit better. Chan was quick to greet them, placing sweet kisses against both of their lips. “How are my babies doing?” he hummed quietly. 

Woojin stayed quiet, eyes trailing to the ground. “We’re alright, hyunggie, just needed some air,” Minho said, kissing Chan again. Chan hummed and hugged him.

He pulled away and took one of Woojin’s hands in his own. “And you, baby?” he asked softly, bringing one of his hands to cup his cheek. 

“I’m doing better,” he replied quietly, “but… I’m really tired now so I think I’m gonna grab something to eat and turn in.”

“Sleep in my bed tonight?” he requested. 

“I suppose,” Woojin returned. Chan smiled, leaning forward and placing a sweet kiss to the tip of his nose. Woojin gave a slight smile before walking off. 

Chan gave Minho worried eyes as Woojin left. Minho shook his head, smiling lightly. “He’s really okay. He just tired himself out after blowing off some steam.”

“Did he blow it off on  _ you? _ ” Chan asked carefully, a warm hand coming to rest on Minho’s cheek. Minho shook him head, laughing quietly. “You’re sure? I don’t want you lying to me about this like you did last time.”

“He didn’t,” Minho assured softly. “He started to, but I took him to the gym for a little while and he got his anger out there.” Chan nodded slowly, and Minho leaned forward to give him a small kiss. “Now, where is my little brother?” 

“Changbin is showing him the equipment in our room,” Chan said, guiding Minho to him. Minho hummed and Chan closed the bedroom door behind them. Sengjin looked back to see who had entered and gasped when he saw it was his brother.

“Hyung!” Sengjin cheered, jumping up and hopping over to Minho. He hugged Minho tightly, a whole head shorter. “Changbin-hyung is showing me how to edit music!” Then, in a whispered, added, “He is  _ so _ cool.”

“Cooler than me?” Minho prodded playfully.

Sengjin shook his head, face serious. “Never. No one is ever gonna be cooler than you. You’re like a superhero!”

Minho snorted and ruffled his hair. “You know that isn’t true, Seng,” he sighed, dropping a kiss to the top of his head.

“But you are,” Sengjin mumbled into Minho’s chest. “You’re  _ my _ superhero.” Minho hummed and held Sengjin tighter. Yeah. He had missed this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Instagram -- llama_the_alpacax  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only like 1.8k and absolute shit, but I've been working 8 hour shifts 4 days a week on top of school every day. And on the two free weekdays I have, I've got band or science club/ writing club. And Sundays are for homework. So I'm really trying, but it's hard to actually find time for this. But!!! I am certainly not abandoning this work!! It will just come slower than usual. ((Also, i am thinking about starting a supernatural!skz au so please tell me what you think about that. Should I???))
> 
> Everyone is affectionate. That's it. That's the tweet.

“I’m so full,” Jeongin whined, leaning into Seungmin’s warm chest. 

Seungmin laughed breathily, cradling the youngest’s head to his chest as he placed a kiss to his forehead. “You certainly ate a lot of the quiche. Two whole pieces, I’m proud of you, Innie.”

Jeongin hummed, please. “I’m feeling pretty alright today, and it doesn’t hurt that it’s super delicious.” 

“I’m glad you like it,” Minho smiled, running a warm hand through Jeongin’s hair. “My dad loves making it, and loves it even more when people enjoy it. I’ll be sure to tell him you enjoyed it. He’ll be happy.”

“Oh! Tell him I loved it, too!” Hyunjin gasped. “I’d eat this for the rest of my life if I could…” Minho laughed at his dramatics before dropping a kiss to Hyunjin’s temple and promising to let him know. 

Sengjin smiled at the display of affection before him. “You’re all so cute together,” he giggled, an airy feeling filling his chest as his hyung’s eyes were alight with joy. “Honestly, it’s like you put all other relationships to shame with how much you all love each other. I mean, I’m obviously not here all the time, but just in this, I can see that you’re so attentive to each other.”

“Maybe not always,” Changbin admitted, “but we try our hardest.” 

Sengjin nodded before another alarm went off on his phone. “If you’ll excuse me,” he mumbled, bowing as he slipped away from the table.

 

Minho sighed as he opened the blanket for his little brother to slip under. “I can’t believe you’re cold,” he grumbled, “but whatever, just get under the covers quickly.” Sengjin laughed happily before slipping into bed next to his brother.

“‘S like we’re back at the hospital,” he giggled drowsily. “‘Cept not so sad.”

Minho hummed and pulled him close, petting through his hair lightly. “Sleep, angel. You’ve done a lot today and I don’t want you to overwork your body.”

“I took a nap,” he murmured, eyes struggling to remain open. “And I’m not. I’m fine.”

Minho hummed. “If you say so, Seng-ie… Do you like it here? The people?”

Sengjin nodded sleepily. “Pretty. People and place. And kind, too. And my favorite person in the world is here.”

“Changbin?”

Sengjin snorted before hitting him gently on the chest. “No, silly. You know it’s… you,” he drifted, trying to stay up for his brother.

Minho hummed. “What time do you want to wake up for?”

“Eigh’,” he groaned, word slurred. Minho hummed and guided him into Dreams. 

 

Chan crept into his room quietly, watching Woojin toss and turn in his bed for a moment before creeping forward and slipping into bed behind him. Woojin turned over to face the intruder with blank eyes. Chan just smiled and placed a kiss to his forehead. 

“Hey, baby,” he sighed quietly. Woojin nodded in greeting. “How are you feeling? Truthfully.”

Woojin grunted. “Like shit. I just want to sleep this off so I don’t have to feel like this anymore.” Chan hummed, pulling Woojin into his arms. Woojin let himself bury his head in the younger’s sternum, grunting unhappily as he gripped Chan’s shirt tightly. “Channie, can you just… distract me? Just talk or something?”

Chan hummed. “I think I’m going to tell you the things I love about you.” Woojin made a noise of pretest, wrinkling his nose, but Chan just pulled him closer. “Let’s see, where to start… I love the way you respond when I run my fingers through your hair. You just… melt into it and it’s one of the most pleasing reactions ever. I love you eyes. They express everything you’re feeling even when you’re trying to hide it. And maybe the others can’t tell, but I always can. And your cute nose. When people touch it, you wrinkle it in this one way-- I don’t even know how to describe it, but it’s incredibly endearing. Mmm, and your lips… They’re always so soft and caring. Be it physically or vocally, your lips are always kind. And I can promise I never have a problem with it being physical,” Chan laughed, placing a kiss to the top of Woojin’s head. 

“And your ears. You always listen when we need you. You always just seem to know, and it’s extremely reassuring to know that you’re always going to be there for us. Your throat. You have the loveliest set of vocal chords; you sing like a siren luring men out to see, and I can assure you I’ve drowned a thousand times over--” Chan thought he heard Woojin mumble something like, “ _ And people say Minho’s cheesy, _ ” but he couldn’t quite be sure. “And even just your normal speaking voice is soothing. When it’s late and I’m at the studio rewatching videos I have of all of us on my phone, I sometimes come across ones of just you talking, and it’s hard to keep myself awake in those moments. It’s probably one of the best feelings… Your shoulders. They’re so broad and it makes hugging you so nice. When you just envelop me in a hug like it’s nothing, like it isn’t the warmest and most amazing place to be… that’s probably when I feel the safest. You just give off this calming, safe energy and it’s incredibly therapeutic. My Woojinnie’s arms are so solid all the time. You’ll carry around any of the boys at the drop of a hat, and you always promise that you won’t ever let them fall. And you don’t. You’re a rock, a lighthouse looming above a treacherous sea, unwavering.”

Woojin sniffled against Chan’s chest and pushed against him harder. Chan tightened his grip around the older, rubbing his back soothingly. “Your stomach is so soft when you’re not flexing… it’s nice when I’m laying on you. It’s nice when I’m not laying on it, too. I like kissing your stomach, I’m not sure why.” Chan laid another kiss to Woojin’s head. “It makes me happy though. Especially when you let me mark  it up.” Woojin wiggled against him and Chan laughed slightly, running his fingers through Woojin’s hair with care. Woojin melted against Chan, making a noise akin to that of a purring cat just waking up from a sun nap. “Mmmm… what else should I mention… Ah, your thighs… Very nice. And your hips. Also very, very nice. You’re very responsive with those areas. ‘S nice.” Chan pulled away from Woojin slightly, raising his chin. 

“But, really. Do you hear what I’m saying to you, angel?” Chan asked in whisper. “Because, all jokes aside, you’re amazing, and I love you. So much.” 

Woojin’s eyes flickered around Chan’s face, and Chan wasn’t sure what Woojin was looking for, but Woojin hoped that he found the love and adoration Chan held for him. After a while, Woojin responded with a small nod and an even smaller, “I know.” He buried his face in Chan’s neck, sniffling softly. “I really love you, Channie.” Chan held him close, running gentle fingers through his hair. 

 

Minho woke to someone playing with his hair, grunting quietly as he looked for the source of comfort. Changbin was sitting on the edge of his bed, rapping softly under his breath and running his hands through his hair. Minho smiled happily at the sight of his boyfriend, beginning to unwrap himself from his brother. Changbin shook his head and placed a hand on his arm. 

“Just enjoy this for a while, yeah?” Changbin whispered. “Give yourself a minute of serenity.” Minho stared up at his significant other, admiration flooding his eyes. “Let your shoulders fall back, unclench your jaw…” Minho hadn’t even realized he’d been doing it, and he’d only just woken up. He felt a bit of the pressure, both physically and metaphorically, release itself from his body. “Now, set you head back so your neck isn’t straining.” Minho let his head raise a good thirty degrees, neck suddenly light. “Think about your brother next to you and the warm blankets surrounding you. Take a moment to take that in. Note that you’re comfortable. Calm.” Minho sucked in a deep breath, eyes stinging just the slightest bit. 

“Now, take note of the fact that nothing is expected of you today. You brother is not asking you to do anything, your partners are not asking anything from you, and you have no job. The only thing that is wanted from you today is that you are Lee Minho. Lee Minho can be sad or happy or numb or content or disgusted. That’s all okay. We just want you to take a second, a minute, a day, a week, to breathe and remember that you are not just Lee Know or Stray Kids’ dancer or a boyfriend. You are just… Lee Minho. That is all.” Changbin leaned down to place a small kiss to Minho’s forehead and pulled away. “Now… let that sit and take a deep breath. There are no expectations. No responsibilities. Just breathe.”

Minho took in a shuddering breath, nodding as he began to push the forming tears away.  _ You are just… Lee Minho. That is all _ . And so Minho instead let a few tears of gratitude slip down his cheeks, not bothering to lift his arm to wipe them away. He could take a moment to just be. He took in a deep breath, letting Changbin’s squeezing and releasing of his hand guide him. 

After a while, Minho cleared his throat. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Really, thank you.”

Changbin smiled, but it was ridden with regret. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do this for you earlier. We’ve just been so busy… but you deserve this. Stay in bed all day or roam the dorm or walk around town. Hyung, you need to take care of yourself as much as you take care of us and your brother. And if that means that we sometimes have to be pushed to the backburner for a while, then we’ll understand. You’re not superman no matter how much you wish you could be. And that’s okay, hyung.” 

Minho nodded, taking in a shuddered breath. Changbin pulled the covers up slightly, tucking them under the older’s chin. “Do you want to go back to sleep, hyung?”

Minho hummed, neither confirming nor denying. “Will you sing for me, Bin?” he requested in a whisper, not wanting to break his own calm. Changbin hummed, thinking for a moment before actually beginning to sing. 

Minho didn’t actually fall asleep until the third song, Changbin’s hand in his hair. Moments later, after he was sure Minho was asleep, Sengjin turned to face Minho without a word. “Thank you, Changbin-hyung,” he sighed groggily. “I’m glad he listens to you.”

Changbin smiled fondly down at his boyfriend. “I am, too… But you should go back to sleep, too, kid. I’m sure you’re going to have a long day ahead of you.”

Sengjin hummed, settling against his brother’s body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Instagram -- llama_the_alpacax  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, hello, I just had surgery, so half of this is probably drug-induced shit sooo pls don't hang me i wanted soft times so i have myself soft times yeet. Also, the second half of this has not been proof read and was written mostly with my eyes closed and brain lagging  
> Love you, see you... at some point, i guess

Felix crawled into bed behind Hyunjin but was surprised to see him wake up as he settled into the mattress. He was the deepest sleeper Felix knew and took forever to wake up. “Oh, hyung!” Felix cooed, voice a happy whisper. “Good morning. Did I wake you?”

Hyunjin shook his head. “No, baby, I haven’t been asleep.” 

Felix frowned. “Well, when did you wake up?” Hyunjin hummed before holding up three fingers. “You went to bed at  _ midnight _ . Are you feeling alright?”

Hyunjin hummed again. “Yeah, I promise. Just… a sleepless night. Honest to God, nothing happened.” Felix nodded, pulling Hyunjin so the older was laying on top of him. He laced his ankles behind Hyunjin’s waist, arms coming to link around Hyunjin’s neck.

“Fucking hell, I love you so much, Jinnie.” Felix grumbled into his neck, hold tight.

Hyunjin laughed airily. “I love you as well, angel. But what prompted this?”

“I just had an overwhelming urge to hug and hold and protect you and had to get it out somehow. Hence, I am clinging to you like a koala and aggressively spreading my love,” Felix explained, pulling back some. Hyunjin huffed, eyes playful as he leaned down to plant a kiss to Felix’s plush lips. Felix hummed into the kiss, quickly falling in love with the feeling of Hyunjin’s lips pushing and playing with his own. He took Hyunjin’s lower lip, pulling lightly, and Hyunjin melted into him, becoming pliant. 

Hyunjin flushed as he pulled away for air. “While I am absolutely not opposed to you kissing me like this, what the hell prompted this? I don’t think you’ve ever kissed me like that before.”

Felix suddenly turned shy. “I-- well, uh--”

Hyunjin held Felix’s cheeks and placed a peck against the younger’s lips. “Take a breath, my baby. You’re okay. You don’t have to answer my question.”

Felix bit his lip. “Well, I just… I don’t know, I was really scared before to, like, really kiss any of you before, but then I kinda asked Minho if he could, I dunno, help me? Okay, that sounds weird. Like, I wanted to know what the hell I was doing and-and what it felt like. And a little back, he kissed me and guided me through it, and it’s still really scary, but sometimes I just have this  _ urge _ of unadulterated  _ adoration _ for my boys and I don’t know how to put into words the depth with which I love you. So, today, I thought that maybe… I could kiss you like I did hyung.” 

Hyunjin hummed, smiling down at him. “You know you’re adorable, angel? Because I certainly do. That was one of the softest things I’ve heard, and I am so honored that I could be so loved by you.”

“I’d genuinely go to the ends of the earth for you, Jinnie, I love you so much.”

Hyunjin leaned down to place a sweet kiss to Felix’s pliant lips. “Mmm, I’d rather if you stayed by my side, Jikseu.”

Felix laughed, capturing Hyunjin’s lips once again. “Deal.” 

Hyunjin’s fingers twisted around the hair at the base of Felix’s skull, pulling him closer. Felix complied, pushing Hyunjin’s lips apart to lick into his mouth. Hyunjin gave a high moan, pleased with the attention, and Felix felt his heart swell. Felix let tentative fingers ghost across Hyunjin’s stomach and up his chest. He let his fingers tickle across Hyunjin’s collar bones, causing the older to giggle. He broke away with a bright smile, lacing their fingers together.

“ _ Jikseu _ ,” he cackled, rubbing at his sensitive skin. “That felt weird.” Felix laughed as well, placing warm lips to his boyfriend’s temple.

 

Jeongin knocked on the doorway of the kitchen tentatively. Woojin turned slowly, eyes curious before they lit up softly. “Hey, baby,” Woojin greeted in a soft lilt. “Come on in, what’s up?” 

Jeongin bit his lip, coming into the kitchen and curling under Woojin’s arm when given the chance. He hid his face in Woojin’s neck, loving the warmth. “Hyung…?” Jeongin waited for Woojin to respond before continuing. “Can we… like, hang out after breakfast?”

Woojin hugged the youngest close, swaying them slowly. “Of course, angel. Do you want to eat breakfast just the two of us?” he asked, pulling back slightly. Jeongin bit his lip, unsure of how to say yes without making it look like he didn’t want to be with the others. “It’s okay to say ‘yes,’ Innie. There’s nothing wrong with wanting some alone time with one of us.” Jeongin nodded, biting down on his lip harder, and Woojin brought gentle fingers to tug on Jeongin’s chin. “Hey,” he cooed, “you’re gonna start bleeding if you don’t stop biting your lip.” Jeongin pushed his lip out from between his teeth and looked down, cheeks burning.

Woojin turned around for a split second to turn off the fire before bringing his full attention back to Jeongin once again. “Innie,” Woojin began in a soft voice, “tell me what’s bothering you, please.” A gentle finger under his chin had Jeongin looking up with watery eyes. 

“I just… I really need you right now, hyung,” Jeongin sighed, wiping harshly at his burning eyes. 

Woojin caught his wrists and pulled Jeongin’s hands away from his face. Soft fingers brushed at the tears like angel kisses caressing his skin. Woojin grabbed two of the muffins he’d put out on he counter before guiding the youngest into Chan’s bedroom where he shooed the already-wide-awake inhabitants out with the instruction to get breakfast. He sat Jeongin between his legs and pulled small pieces off the muffin to feed to the youngest, fingers occasionally kneading at the youngest’s stomach to keep the finicky thing calm. 

At some point, Jeongin had started to really cry, so Woojin put aside the muffins (Jeongin had only eaten about a quarter of it) and situated Jeongin so he was straddling the eldest, face hidden in Woojin’s neck. Large hands rubbed up and down the youngest’s back as Jeongin hiccupped tears. He let the maknae take his time, collect his thoughts. Finally, though, Jeongin seemed to have found his voice.

“Hyung,” he cried, breath catching, “I’m so tired. And--and what if you guys don’t like me anymore when I get my braces off? That’s what everyone likes about me, but I hate them. Except, now I’m scared because I don’t know if you’re gonna hate me now that they’re coming off tomorrow.” His breathing was too fast and he had spit gathering at the back of the throat, causing him to choke and cough slightly. 

Woojin shushed Jeongin, placing soft kisses to his temple and massaging his neck, coaxing Jeongin into swallowing so he didn’t hurt himself. “Baby, I am so sorry if we ever made you feel like that was the only thing we like about you, but that is so far from the truth. Aish, baby, I know braces are so annoying and they hurt and scar up your lips and gums. We should be hyping you up for getting them off not making you feel bad. But, Innie, please trust me when I say that we do not like or love you because of your braces. We love you because you are snarky and cocky and playful, because you’re shy to be affectionate on camera and you love it when your mom calls and because your entire face lights up when you’re happy. We love you because you get inexplicably excited when the baby shark song comes on and when we compliment your art and when you finish a whole meal. We love you because you’re kind and can be so mature and because you’re our little baby, our sweet fox.” 

Woojin pulled Jeongin back slightly to wipe at the youngest’s defined, damp cheekbones. “We don’t love your for your braces, Innie. Yes, we think they’re cute, but they’re also causing you a lot of unnecessary pain which our little baby shouldn’t have to be going through. Jeongin, sweetheart, I love you so much, and I can assure you that whether you have braces or not, blue eyes or brown, tan or black or white skin, tall or short, that fact would not change. I don’t love you because of your eyes or your skin or your teeth or any of that. I love you because you are my sweet Yang Jeongin that never fails to make my heart skip a beat.” 

Jeongin nodded, rubbing at his eyes with the back of his wrist and sniffling. “W-Will you kiss me, hyunggie?”

Woojin chuckled, nodding before leaning down to capture Jeongin’s lips. His lips were slightly dry and the skin was torn, but Woojin didn’t mind. His sweet baby was in his arms and kissing him and he wouldn’t rather be anywhere else at this moment. Jeongin curled his arms around his hyung’s neck and pulled his closer, sighing in content when Woojin tilted his head and deepened the kiss. 

He pulled away after another good minute of lazy kissing. “Woojinnie-hyung?” Woojin hummed, peaking an eye open. “You know that I love you, too, right?” Woojin gave a breathy laugh as he nodded. “Good.” 

And then, Jeongin’s lips were back on his and he was happily tangling their fingers together. Jeongin giggled slightly when Woojin pulled at his lower lip. “That kinda tickles,” he hummed, smile bright. 

Woojin smirked against the youngest’s lips, breath warm as Woojin moved closer to Jeongin’s ear. “I love the sound of your voice, baby,” he sighed, leaving soft kisses to his neck. “Did you know you sound pretty?” Jeongin giggled again, pulling Woojin even closer. “My sweet, sly fox.” Woojin laughed himself, placing another soft kiss to Jeongin’s neck. “I’m so lucky to have you,” he sing-songed as he moved back to Jeongin’s lips. 

 

Minho woke up God knows how long later, and for the first time in a while, he woke up slowly and with minimal pain. He groaned quietly, in case someone was in the room with him, and rubbed at his eyes. Moments later, eyes still closed as he tried to convince himself to get up, he felt a hand brush his cheek. He hummed, pleased at the sudden warmth, and unconsciously reached up to find the hand. Minho laced their fingers together, trying to figure out whose hand it was. 

It was Hyunjin’s. Minho hummed happily and pulled at the appendage. His reward was Hyunjin’s melodious giggle as the younger slid into bed next to him. One leg found purchase over Minho’s hip, and Hyunjin cradled Minho’s upper body to his own. Minho wiggled, getting comfortable, before melting against Hyunjin in a way he hadn’t been able to in  _ so long _ . 

Hyunjin ran thin fingers through his hair. “You know, Sengjin says this is the most he’s ever seen you sleep.” Minho grunted ambiguously before latching on to the warm skin of Hyunjin’s neck. He didn’t bite or anything, just… rested there, sucking lazily. Hyunjin gave a sweet giggle. “I know, hyunggie, I know. I’m right here.” Minho hummed, content in just resting against his boyfriend’s body. “Hyunggie deserves to rest, so just rest.” Minho tried to pull away to ask about his brother, but Hyunjin held his head still. “Sengjin is hanging out with Jikseu and Innie, driving Channie and Woojinnie-hyung crazy.” Minho settled down once more, content with Hyunjin’s information. 

Minho let himself rest. It was a weird concept, and even as he hay there, he had trouble just existing, but Hyunjin’s hand in his hair and body against his own made it very hard to argue or think about anything else. Minho let his hand slither across Hyunjin’s back, and down, until he found purchase against a warm thigh. He sighed against the flesh spanning beneath his lips, content, and Hyunjin’s smile widened as he placed a kiss to the older’s forehead. 

“You comfortable?” Hyunjin coaxed. Minho hummed, clamping down a bit tighter against the skin. “You’re lucky we’ve got the week off. Otherwise, the make-up noonas would have your ass.”

Minho detached himself just long enough to speak. “I’d rather you had my ass. You’re much better than they are at that.” Hyunjin snorted and pulled him back down into his neck.

“You’re silly,” he sighed. Minho just wriggled around before settling his warm mouth heavily on the smooth skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Instagram -- llama_the_alpacax  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!!!!!!!!!! SELF HARM, PANIC ATTACK-ISH!!! OTHER MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES!!!!! PLEASE BE CAREFUL IN READING THIS!!!!!!!!!!!  
> Okay, listen! I know it's been like a month, but this month has been HELL, I'm so SORRY! I'm still not quite in the best place and this is only like 3k so not my best work, but with testing and all, it's hard for me to so much as open my computer to listen to music much less find time to write. I've been working (mostly) 8-hour shifts four days a week on top of going to school for 8 hours soooo.... and on top of that, I've been having a lot of doctor appointments and such, but I PROMISE, I am trying to start writing more frequently now.   
> This chapter was requested by: Ana Docuyanan; I know it's been 10 chapters and I"M SORRY-- please let me know if you want me to redo the chapter because it isn't what you wanted. I love you!  
> Also, i'll try to proof read this soon I apologize for any errors; Stay Golden <3

Chan groaned, rubbing at his eyes a bit harshly as he tried to get the kinks out of the new melody he was developing. Shaking his head, he played it for the nth time, quarter-speed, and let the tapping of the side of his hand against the desk act as a metronome. He made a noise of satisfaction where he found a stray eighteenth that made the track hiccup and quickly corrected it. Jisung reached his foot out to nudge Chan’s thigh rather harshly. Chan looked up, confused, but his heart dropped when he turned to look where Jisung kept staring. His sweet Felix was sobbing in Seungmin’s arms, the younger’s face pale with worry. 

Chan shot up and ushered Seungmin to sit with Felix on the bed, trying his best to refrain from grilling the pair as he tried to understand what was wrong. Chan had dealt with his emotional boys a lot-- it wasn’t uncommon for at least one of his boys to have a crying fit weekly, especially if it was Hyunjin, Felix, or Jisung-- but this kind of sobbing was different. This wasn’t stressed, wasn’t impending schedules or anxiety or depression fucking with his baby. This had to be so much more, and the fact that Seungmin wasn’t answering him only increased his anxiety levels. 

That last time he’d seen Felix this worked up was when he’d found the younger in the bathroom with a--

Chan froze as he came to a conclusion he  _ prayed _ he was wrong about. 

“Jikseu.” Felix didn’t make a verbal response. He just curled tighter into Seungmin and let his body heave with a stronger sob. “Baby boy, can hyung see your skin?” Felix whimpered and Seungmin held his tighter, rubbing his back gently. “Felix,” Chan tried again, light fingers dancing across his shoulder gently. The sob turned into a coughing fit as he choked on his own spit and Seungmin forced Felix away from him so the older’s airways were more open. 

When Chan mouthed over Felix’s shoulders to ask if he could take Felix away from Seungmin’s hold, Seungmin nodded, eyes too sad for a boy his age. Chan used Felix’s coughing subsiding as prompt to maneuver his baby into his lap. Felix’s arms were wrapped tightly around his waist, but he still leaned all his weight onto Chan’s chest so Chan gently shushed the younger, cradling Felix’s head to his chest lightly. 

“Baby, we need to calm you down before you make yourself sick okay?” Chan prompted, guiding Felix back slightly so they could look at each other. It seemed to make things worse, but at the very least, Felix wasn’t non-verbal. The Australian began to cry even harder, garbled apologies and nonsensical phrases filled the air until he was gagging. 

Chan pointed to the special trash can he kept (sterilized) in his room for occasions such as this. Seungmin was quick to grab it, and Chan leaned Felix over it slightly as he held him sideways against his chest.

“Felix,” Chan soothed, rubbing his thumb up and down the younger’s bicep, “I’m not mad right now, baby. Nobody is mad at you. Sometimes we do silly things, and sometimes we relapse, and sometimes we hurt ourselves because we think we deserve it.” Chan didn’t use the word ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ because that could backfire. “ _ I’m dumb,” “I’m stupid” _ could be the translation instead of “ _ what I did was dumb,” “what I did was stupid _ .” “While I’m not going to say it’s  _ okay _ that you hurt yourself, I will say that I understand that you may have felt trapped, like you had no other choice. And that is okay. And I  _ am not _ mad at you.” Chan coaxed his face sideways the slightest bit as he best himself so they could see each other. He wiped at the tears on Felix’s cheeks even as he knew the tears would just replace themselves. “Do you hear what I’m telling you, baby? Do you understand me?” he checked, maintaining eye-contact steadily, unblinking. 

Felix nodded slowly, trying to take a deep breath-- it just turned into short gasps, his lungs unable to take in what felt like a proper amount of oxygen. He kept trying, harder and harder, but  _ Lord _ it felt like they were closing up-- why couldn’t get in enough air-- he couldn’t breathe-- he couldn’t breathe-- he couldn’t  _ fucking breathe-- _

“ _ Hey _ ,” Chan’s voice broke in tightly, forcing eye contact between them once again. “Listen to me, we both need to calm down.”  _ Both _ , Felix grasped,  _ both, both, not me, both, two, not one-- _ It was almost like gibberish, but it seemed to be enough for Felix to nod and hone in on his boyfriend. “Good, follow my breathing. Just like hyung. Hyung is following Seungmin. Seungmin is following Jisung. We’re all following. All breathing. Good, baby, just like that. Yes, sir, you’re doing great.” The tears were still falling now, but it wasn’t a steady stream of salt as it had been. 

Chan smiled at him, praising him a bit more. “Now,” Chan breathed, “remember, calm. Hyung would like to check your skin. Can hyung do that?” Felix whimpered slightly and pulled into himself. “I just want to make sure they’re cleaned and bandaged properly. I promise I won’t touch, and you can pull away at any time,” Chan soothed, rubbing his thumb gently over the apple of his lover’s cheek. 

Felix’s movements were hesitant and jerky but extended his left arm all the same. It was already wrapped (pretty poorly, it seemed, but Seungmin was probably feeling rushed so Chan couldn’t really fault him-- not that he’d fault the boy either way), but the end of the gauze wasn’t even tucked under to hold it so Chan didn’t have any problem unwrapping it. Felix kept his eyes clenched shut and, for the first time since they walked in, Jisung came to Felix, wrapping one arm around his waist from behind and leaving butterfly kisses to his shoulder. He was glad that skinship usually calmed Felix pretty well-- he could do skinship, do hugging and kissing and cuddling. He couldn’t fuck that up. This he felt confident in, unlike when Minho didn’t want to be touched or when Jeongin would lay in bed, catatonic and nonverbal, and he didn’t know how to cheer them up, how to let them know he was there. 

Felix didn’t  _ really  _ respond to Jisung, but Jisung knew from past experiences that Felix usually wanted someone to hold him, especially when someone else was having to do something that made him uncomfortable. Chan was gentle with Felix’s arm-- he always was, no matter which significant other-- and took in the sight of ‘X’s and slashes traveling almost three quarters of the way up his forearm. Chan scrutinized the inflamed (no longer bleeding though the bandage was well soaked) and angry area. 

“Min, did you disinfect?” Chan asked, careful to make his voice calm and sweet. 

Seungmin hummed. “There was no ointment in the bathroom, though, so when you re-wrap it…” Chan hummed, fingers gliding above Felix’s arm to map the path of the cuts. 

“Lixie, baby,” Chan called, gentle fingers pushing his bangs back from his closed eyes. Felix looked startled, as if not realizing Chan had moved his hand away from his arm. “Hey,” he cooed, waiting for Felix’s eyes to focus. “Can you answer a question for me?” Felix nodded jerkily, but Chan smiled in reassurance. “Now, I know you don’t like hyper specific questions, but I need to know: how long were you in the bathroom before Seungmin came in?”

Felix felt his chest grow tight at the though of having to  _ tell them _ , but Chan guided his gaze back as Jisung placed a few kisses to his shoulder, helping ground him. “Listen, baby, I’m not asking so I can judge you or yell at you. I need to make sure my baby boy is safe, okay?”

Felix took a deep breath and nodded, grateful when he heard Chn just barely murmur,  _ “take your time.” _ “A-about-- probably-- I mean--” Jisung squeezed Felix waist as gently as he could, and Felix sucked in a breath as deep as he could, held it for a moment, and let it go. “Probably ten minutes,” he mumbled, head down as he kept his eyes closed. He didn’t want to accidentally see his arm. 

“The whole time?” he asked, and Felix knew what he meant. Felix nodded. “Okay, angel. Seungmin, can you hand me the first aid kit?” And that was the end of Felix’s questioning. Just like that, it was dropped. Finally, Felix felt he could lean into Jisung without throwing up everywhere. 

Jisung maneuvered Felix’s head so it was leaning back on his right shoulder, leaving small kisses to the apple of his cheek periodically. Steady fingers ran through Felix’s sweat-soaked hair, but Jisung didn’t seem to mind so Felix tried to convince himself not to either.  The cleaning, medicating, and wrapping took almost triple the time it did for Seungmin, but it was also being done with hands trained for this and there were more steps involved. Every time Felix would tense, either Jisung or Seungmin (who had crawled down so he was nuzzling into Felix’s neck) would give him a sort kiss or squeeze his waist. 

“Lix,” Chan began seriously as he finished packing the first aid kit again, finishing the clasps as he looked up. “I’m going to give you time to calm down the rest of the way and take a nap or something, but I want you to know that this is not over, okay? I need you to talk with one of us and tell us what’s happening right now, okay? In this household, we don’t just brush this kind of thing off. I know you already know all this, but sometimes reminders are needed. We try to help, we support if we can’t help--and even if we can--, and we get outside help if that’s what you need. If you think you need it, tell me or one of the others if you aren’t comfortable telling me. I won’t be offended if you don’t want to come to me, either. 

“If I or one of the others think you need it, then we’ll talk to you about it, okay? You aren’t alone here, angel. Hyung and Jisung and Seungmin and all of us love you so dearly, baby boy. I understand that sometimes you don’t know what happened because one moment you’re smiling and the next, you don’t know how you got into the fucking ambulance-- but I don’t want that to be you, baby,” Chan whispered the last part, voice breaking. “So please. Talk to us.”

Felix sniffled, rubbing at his eyes as he nodded. Chan’s smile was slightly somber but not sad as he placed a kiss to his forehead before moving away. Felix caught his wrist as he turned, eyes panicked. Chan looked back with curious eyes. “Stay!” he blurted. Chan smiled softly, bringing the hand around his wrist to his lips.

“I’m just putting this up, baby. I’ll be right back.” Felix was hesitant in letting Chan go, but he did, letting Seungmin take his hand as it dropped. 

 

They settled in for a nap on Chan’s bed, Chan in front of Felix, Jisung practically on top, and Seungmin behind him. Felix hummed as Jisung called his name softly. “Please don’t ever forget that we love you, Jikseu.” Felix fell asleep with his fingers laced with Jisung’s. 

 

Felix woke to only Chan on the bed with him, the older running his fingers through Felix’s hair with care. Chan smiled gently, placing a chaste kiss to Felix’s forehead. “Hello, sunshine.” Felix hummed, feeling a bit empty inside. He  _ hated _ feeling like this. Chan didn’t question the lackluster response, just continued his gentle ministrations. “How does some breakfast sound right now?” Felix shrugged, closing his eyes. 

Chan sighed. “Well, I’m just going to say that it wasn’t really a question of whether you wanted to eat but of where you want to eat. In here or at the table with the others?” Felix shrugged again, not wanting to meet the older’s eyes. The emotions were going to make him sick. “How are you feeling?” Another shrug. “Minho is really worried about you-- all of them are, but Minho was really upset when I didn’t let him wake you up. Do you want him to come in now that you’re awake?” 

This time, Felix started to shrug but stopped himself. He nodded slowly. Chan scratched at the back of his neck in praise. “Okay, baby boy, thank you for answering.” Chan sent off a quick text before pulling Felix closer to his torso. Felix let his bandaged arm lay over Chan’s side, leaning into the warm body. 

Seconds later, the door was opened and closed with force and Minho was sprinting to slip into bed, hands checking over the available area almost frantically. Felix turned out of Chan’s hold and into Minho’s arms, wrapping them around his neck. Minho lifted Felix into a half-sitting position, holding the younger’s torso tightly to himself in a hug, face buried in Felix’s neck. 

Felix shifted slightly as Minho’s hair ticked the back of his neck slightly but was otherwise complacent. “‘S okay,” Felix murmured, voice cracking from unwanted use. Minho shushed him gently. He  _ knew _ Felix went nonverbal after things like this, knew that even the thought of speaking at times like this made him want to puke up his guts. They’d had hours-long discussions about this as Felix cried in his arms and begged him not to force him to speak, not to make him do these things. It stressed him out and made him want to retreat further into himself. 

Felix felt tears leak out the corner of his eyes and he squeezed Minho’s midsection, sniffling. Minho held him tighter, as requested, murmuring reassurances rapid-fire. Then, the tears came faster and Felix was shaking and Minho was holding him and Minho  _ wasn’t going to let go, it’s okay, there’s no reason to cry, he’s right here _ . Felix nodded, sucking in breath after breath as calmly as he could. Minho did, however, maneuver them so they were more comfortable. Minho sat against the headboard and pulled Felix into his lap, bringing the blanket up to wrap around Felix’s shaking form. 

It took a while, but Felix stopped crying and Minho was just peppering kisses across his cheeks and nose and forehead and sometimes lips. Felix sniffled, taking the proffered tissue with gratitude. Minho guided his shaky hands when they seemed to fail the younger and Felix forced out a hum. 

“When you’re ready, can you tell me why?” Minho whispered. “Take as long as you need.”

“Brother?” he whispered in return. 

Minho smiled gently. “Sleeping. He does that a lot.”

Felix nodded, taking in a deep breath and collecting himself before opening his mouth. “Was… too much. Dunno what, just  _ was _ .” Minho hummed, gentle fingers carding through Felix’s hair the same way Chan’s had been earlier. “On break, but… so many things. I don’t what what ‘ _ things’ _ is, though!” Felix made a guttural noise of frustration, hand coming up to tug on his hair harshly.

“Hey,” Minho coaxed, gently uncurling Felix’s harsh fingers from his hair. “It’s okay to not know why you feel like this.” He laced one hand’s fingers through Felix’s and let the other massage the abused area of hair and skin. “There’s a lot that has been happening recently and maybe it’s all catching up now. I mean. You were stressing for me with the dance, you’ve been dealing with a lot of new people as of late, you’ve been getting less sleep and less substantial meals, and you’ve been trying to deal with your already-present issues as well. A lot has been going on lately and I am so proud that you hung on for as long as you did. Sometimes, we relapse. Sometimes, we do things that aren’t the best. It’s okay, that’s part of healing. You’re tired, baby, and you might not know what you’re tired  _ of _ , but that’s okay. We take everything in stride even when things are tough.”

Felix rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands, sniffling and nodding. Minho smiled, praising him quietly before suggesting, “Should we try to come up with a game plan until you feel like you’re in a better spot?” Felix nodded but placed his fingers against his throat, indicating he was nonverbal again, the gesture subtle enough that it didn’t make Felix feel awkward or embarrassed about it. 

Minho nodded as well, motion subtle. “Well, first, I’m going to say that I think you shouldn’t keep yourself isolated for lengthy periods of time right now both for our sanity and your own…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Instagram -- llama_the_alpacax  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW!! Slight break down, talk of suicide ((of not doing it, the word is never explicitely said))  
> Look at me not taking a month to update!! Only 10 days~~ ((It's because I had a breakdown yesterday and just had to get it out lol)) I'm sorry, but this time around, it's our Changbinnie...  
> This chapter is for yeehawhey. If you don't like it, just tell me and I'll write you a new one!! I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> Side note: if I had a curiouscat, would y'all use it?

Changbin was going to fucking scream. That was it. A scream. Was going to happen. In the studio. It was too damn loud at the apartment with everything going on, but if he had to hear one more note of this damn track, he was going to punch something. Probably the monitor. 

He groaned, throwing his head down onto the desk right in front of the keyboard only for it to bounce twice more. Pain burst through his head, but he ignored it in favor of picking his head up and walking over to the couch across the room. He plopped down on it carelessly and  screamed into a throw pillow, over and over, until he was alarmingly lightheaded, face rosy, and the door to the studio opened. 

He glared at the door for a long second before he realized who was behind the door--well, there were actually three people, but that was irrelevant. “Hyung?” Hyunjin murmured cautiously, brows furrowed. Sengjin peeked out from behind him with curious eyes as Seungmin tugged him back out of the room.

A small,  _ “we’ll come back in a few minutes,” _ sounded from Seungmin behind the now-closing door as Hyunjin stepped forward. Changbin sat up, curling into one side of the couch as Hyunjin sat next to him. “Hyung, what’s wrong?” Cool fingers reached up to graze over the older’s forehead. “What happened?” 

Changbin pushed Hyunjin’s hand away gently, not wanting to make it seem like he was mad. “It’s nothing, I was just getting a little frustrated by the track I’m working on.”

“Why do you have a knot on your forehead, then?” 

Changbin closed his eyes and rolled them, knowing Hyunjin could tell what he was doing, but hoping he wouldn’t take it personally anyway. “It’s not important.” His reply was cool as he tried not to meet Hyunjin’s eyes, tried not to let his resolve break. He couldn’t afford to be emotional right now. Whether they had the week off or not, he was falling behind in producing, but he liked this track’s concept too much to just ditch it and he wasn’t about to bother the other members of 3racha just because he was being incompetent.

“It is to me,” Hyunjin whispered.

Changbin stood quickly, careful not to knock Hyunjin. He kept his back turned to the younger, fists clenched over his stomach. “Can you just come back later? I’m trying to finish this track.”

Hyunjin sighed and stood. He settled on gently resting his forehead atop Changbin’s shoulder. “If I leave you now, I’ll be back in ten minutes with Woojin-hyung to carry you out. So, with all due respect, hyung, even if you don’t want to talk about it, I’m not leaving you.”

“Fine.” He felt something strange crawl up his throat, as if there was something that  _ needed _ to come out, wanted to be said. He supposed he needed to rant anyway… “Sit with me on the couch. I want… to say something… I don’t know if this is quite what I need to talk about, but… I need to get it off my chest,” Changbin murmured gently, one hand unclenched to rest on the hand holding his side. Hyunjin hummed and stood straight, pulling Changbin to the couch. Their legs were intertwined, and their fingers mimicked their lower limbs, all of this a comfortable dance between old friends. 

“Jin…” Changbin took in a deep breath and let himself actually  _ speak _ . “I don’t know if-if this message is for  _ you _ or-or for  _ me _ or one of the others but--” He huffed. “If you can’t…” his voice shook slightly and he took in a deep breath, continuing. “Can’t find a reason to live for yourself… find a reason to live for other things. Maybe there’s a plant that will die if your gone-- or a dog that loves you and depends on you. Maybe you’ve got a sibling’s birthday coming up or an anniversary and you have to be there to give them a present. Maybe a friend has a test they’ll be stressing about in a few days and they’ll need comfort from you. Maybe there’s a kid you always see at the park and sometimes he notices you, too, and if you’re not there to wave at him… he’ll be sad.” 

He wiped at his watering tears, clearing his throat. “Maybe he’ll be… really, really sad and go home and wonder why you stopped showing up to say ‘hello.’ He’ll think he did something wrong. Maybe your house will get lonely if someone isn’t there to cook and clean in it. Maybe there’s a swing that will get too cold if you’re gone or a tree that’ll miss your weight while you read. Fuck, maybe the ocean will be heartbroken that it no longer gets to lap at your feet. 

“I don’t care what it is, but you need to find it and hold onto it for dear life even if that life seems so shitty and negative and horrible. Because even if today and tomorrow and the next day you can’t live for yourself… one day--one day you  _ will _ and you’ll understand how you helped that thing or person as much as it helped you. But even if you can’t learn to live for you, you can start off by living for something else. Please, fuck, for the love of God, don’t give up, I--” He cut himself off with a quiet sob, untangling his and Hyunjin’s fingers to rub at his pouring eyes. He hiccuped another sob, brushing back and forth as he tried to stop the cascade. 

Hyunjin maneuvered himself so he could pull Changbin into his chest, petting through his hair calmly, trying to help the older calm down. But Changbin continued as though he hadn’t stopped. “Even if it feels fucking hopeless, don’t give up. Because last time you thought it was hopeless, you got out of it, and you can do it this time and next time, too. You-you just have to allow yourself that. Allow yourself to be fucking happy. Please, stop holding on to that thought that you aren’t good enough to be happy or content or positive. It’s such a fucking toxic, pervasive, dreadful leech of a thought and you just have to fucking  _ yeet that bitch _ because otherwise it isn’t fucking going anywhere. Fucking allow yourself to let go of that damn thought even if the result isn’t instantaneous.” 

He pushed himself further into Hyunjin’s chest, a loud cry ripping itself from his throat as he clenched Hyunjin’s shirt between his numb fingertips. “It’s just  _ bullshit _ . All of this negative, non-neurotypical crap is bullshit, I hate it, hate that I have to keep fighting it, but,  _ fuck _ , maybe that spite is all I have left in my logic-eluded mind right now. I used to think everything would get better after I got out of school, as if school was the only reason I wasn’t behaving like a neurotypical human being. As if I hadn’t been diagnosed with anxiety and all that shit and on meds for it. I used to- used to  _ hate _ the teachers that would try to give us pep talks about how we aren’t just a number right before giving us another grade that separated us from each other’s humanity, put us in categories and boxes where each of us were only a figure and no longer a person.” He rubbed at his eyes, feeling anger bubble up in his chest again. 

“They didn’t need to really care if they removed intimacy and community from their little test subject. I thought it was total shit, that I would stop acting like my worth was a number when that number stopped deciding whether or not I had a fucking future. But then I came here and eventually finished school and I’m still just a fucking number. 

“My entire career is built off numbers. How many likes, how many hate comments, how many fan sites, how many fans. And for the longest time, I thought I wasn’t allowed to see myself as anything more than a number because if I wasn’t a number then I wasn’t an idol, and that’s total cowshit. I’m not just a fucking idol or rapper or member of Stray Kids. I’m a person outside of this, we aren’t just rankings and neither is anyone else in this God-forsaken world. I’m a fucking person named Seo Changbin with a family and boyfriends outside of this damn societal construct of worth. So please. Let yourself be fucking happy and let go of the shit that society poisons you with.” 

He felt his tears faster, but he didn’t want to move from the comfort of his boyfriend’s arms. “Hyung…” came Hyunjin’s quiet response. “I- I don’t really know what to say. Just that… you don’t always have to hold it in. It’s okay to come to us. You can allow yourself to do that just as you allow yourself to be happy.” 

Changbin sniffled and Hyunjin pulled back so he could look at his boyfriend. He leaned over quickly to grab a few tissues before cleaning the older’s face. “Binnie-hyung, I know you already know this, but everything’s going to be okay. You’ll find a way to fix up that track and live for yourself. It’s all going to be okay.” He nodded, wiping at the last few tears that fell. “Okay?” He nodded again, moving back in to hug him tightly. 

Hyunjin held him tightly, running gentle fingers through his hair. “Do you want to go home?” he murmured, his free hand rubbing his back.

Changbin shook his head. “To loud.” Hyunjin just hummed, leaving it at that. Changbin knew what he needed. He trusted Changbin to make the right decision.

It wasn’t long before Changbin fell asleep, curled up in Hyunjin’s lap. Hyunjin sighed, dropping a kiss to the older’s forehead. They’d be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Instagram -- llama_the_alpacax  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! I'M SERIOUS! description of blood/cutting/self harm, and mentions of gagging/almost throwing up. PLEASE! Be careful!  
> This is part one; part two will probably be up in a day or two, but I realy wanted to post soooo it's only 1k; part 1 and 2 are dedicated to the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing taty!!!!!! and takes place between the last two chapters, following the whole felix debacle.  
> ((I should be posting a lot more often now since it's summer, but no promises yikes.)) also, i didn't proofread we die like men  
> also, also, HAPPY PRIDE MONTH Y'ALL!!!! whether you're out or not, i am so, SO!!! proud of you!! and if your parents don't accept you, i am your mom now.  
> ((i have a cc now, in end notes.))

The moment Felix was asleep, Seungmin fled the room. He took in a shaking breath as he stopped outside of Woojin’s room, unable to gain the courage to knock on the eldest’s closed door. He kept trying, but something kept stopping him. His breathing was ragged and his entire body was shaking. Why was  _ he _ the one that found their little Lixie? 

He jumped, gasping in surprise when he heard Woojin call, “Is someone outside the room? The door’s open!”

“H-hyung?” he breathed, placing a hand on the cool door, bile rising in his throat. He could hear movement behind the door, and Woojin was opening the door before he could even prepare himself. Woojin’s eyes were worried as they took in the small boy, eyes red and body shaking.

“Seungmin?” Woojin called worriedly, placing a gentle hand on his elbow. And Seungmin broke, knees giving out as he started sobbing. Woojin was quick to catch him before his knees could meet the harsh floor. “Oh, baby,” he sighed, picking him up and carrying him into his room. “Hey, angel, I don’t know what’s going on right now, but it’s going to be okay. Everything will be fine, just breathe.”

Seungmin kept crying, burying his face into Woojin’s shoulder, unable to keep calm. Woojin rocked him slowly, rubbing his back comfortingly. “Baby, can you tell me what this is about?” Seungmin shook his head, crying harder. Woojin cooed, holding Seungmin closer, tighter. “Do I need to get Channie?” Seungmin shook his head frantically, gasping. “Oh, okay, you’re okay, I won’t get Chan, you’re alright, I’m right here.” 

Eventually (an hour later), Seungmin  _ did _ calm down, and Woojin laid in bed with him, gentle fingers running through Seungmin’s locks as Seungmin kept his face in Woojin’s chest. “How are you feeling?” the eldest asked, voice soft. Seungmin pushed into Woojin harder and Woojin wrapped his arms around Seungmin tightly. 

“I f-found Felix,” he shuddered, voice muffled by his boyfriend’s shirt. “I  _ found Felix _ . Hyung, I’m still- still just a child, I didn’t know how to help him--” He gasped, warm tears falling again as his body curled in instinctually. 

“What happened to Felix, sunshine?” Woojin murmured, brows furrowed. 

Seungmin sniffled, pulling away from Woojin to sit up, wrapping his arms around his knees tightly. “He self harmed again, hyung. I- I walked in on him cutting, there was so much  _ blood _ , I almost screamed, I almost  _ puked _ . Hyung-- fuck, I-- I almost ran, hyung, what if I had ran away?”

“But you didn’t, baby, you didn’t run away,” Woojin soothed, a warm hand resting on Seungmin’s lower back in a gesture of comfort. “Everything is okay.”

“I- I bandaged him up and took him to Chan-hyung’s room, and I-- fuck,  _ hyung-- _ ” A hand slapped itself over his mouth as he gagged.

Woojin shushed him gently, pulling him back into him chest, strong arms wrapped around his torso. “Breathe through your nose, baby, slow down.”

“I- I close my eyes and all I can see is my boyfriend  _ fucking bleeding, hyung _ ! Why did it have to be me? But even though that keeps running through my mind, I’d rather it be me than anyone else that had to go through that. I’m shaking so bad, I don’t know if I can stop,” he choked. Woojin hummed and held him tighter. “Will you sing for me, hyung?” 

Woojin nodded, humming. “Of course, pup. Let’s lay down?” He scooted them down so they were laying down, and Seungmin crawled onto Woojin’s chest, curling up. Woojin tugged the blanket over them and began to run his fingers through the younger’s hair. 

“Wait!” Seungmin suddenly yelped, lifting his head. Woojin looked startled, eyebrows raised in confusion.”You have to stay with me/1 PLease stay with me, I don’t want to wake up alone, I--”

“Hey,” Woojin laughed, face full of adoration. “You have nothing to worry about, pup, I’m not going anywhere.” Seungmin’s body relaxed as he nodded. Woojin smiled softly. “Okay, now lay back down, and I’ll sing for you.” He nodded again, letting his body melt against Woojin’s, a sigh leaving his chest as he tried to block the red from him vision. 

 

Seungmin had finally fallen asleep after three songs, and Woojin couldn’t help but still, taking a deep breath as he thought. Woojin felt his heart clench as he thought of what Seungmin had seen, what Felix must have been feeling to resort to self harm once more. He also wondered where Minho’s little brother was at the moment, if he had also seen the debacle. His mind raced. What could he do to help his boyfriends? He wasn’t sure if there was anything, and that made him feel like shit. 

_ What kind of boyfriend was he if he couldn’t stop his boys from hurting? _

He stopped that thought immediately. No. He wasn’t a shitty boyfriend if he couldn’t protect his significant others all the time. That wasn’t how it worked. No one could be sheltered all the time-- shit happens and people get hurt. He just needed to be there for his boys and he  _ was _ . He was there for Seungmin at that very moment, holding him and calming him. Woojin wasn’t a bad boyfriend; he was doing all he could and that was what mattered. 

He wasn’t sure how long Seungmin would be asleep for, but he knew that he wanted to do something with his pup to help him feel better. Woojin patted next to him, searching for his phone blindly, before pulling back with a triumphant smile. He dialled Hyunjin quickly and a confused boyfriend picked up. 

“Hyung? Aren’t you literally in your bedroom? What are you calling for?” 

Woojin laughed. “Seungmin is sleeping on me right now so I didn’t want to move.” Hyunjin hummed. “Can you do me a favor and run to the store for me?”

“Uh-- yeah, of course I can, but we just went yesterday, remember?” Hyunjin’s confusion seemed to grow. “And I thought we checked everything off of the list.”

“It’s for Seungmin. He needs a bit of a pick-me-up so I’m going to cook for him and have some one-on-one time.” Hyunjin’s  _ ‘oh!’ _ made Woojin laugh a bit. “Can you get me half a dozen eggs, his favorite chips, and three bars of dark chocolate?”

“Yeah, you want me to go right now?” Hyunjin asked. Rummaging could be heard through the speaker-- most likely the younger throwing on a hoodie or pants. Woojin hummed and Hyunjin agreed. “I love you, hyung, I’ll be back in half an hour.”

“Stay safe, it’s getting late. Take Minho or Changbin with you please.”

Hyunjin hummed. “I’ll be fine, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll grab Changbin. Love you!”

“Thank you, love you too, bye.” Woojin hung up, smiling. It really did make him feel better when he could hear Hyunjin pulling Changbin out of his room and down the hall, knowing that they wouldn’t be out alone, even if the destination was only ten minutes away. 

Woojin felt peace settle over his heart, knowing he could at least try to help his boyfriend find healing. It would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Instagram -- llama_the_alpacax  
> NEW!! Curious Cat -- doodlebugrambles   
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See!!! I told you I'd be better at updating since it's summer!! Here's part two, for taty!!   
> HEY, YOU!! I've got a curious cat now, go ask me alarmingly personal questions!! I'm lonely!!

Seungmin woke up with a start-- not unusual, but it wasn’t often someone was awake when he did so, so Woojin’s soft call of his name startled him, knee coming up out of instinct only to, luckily, hit the older’s thigh. 

“Hey,” he whispered, gentle fingers finding their way to Seungmin’s cheek. “It’s okay, baby, it’s just me.” Seungmin’s head snapped up to look at Woojin, tearful eyes wide. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“N-Nothing,” he stuttered even as he shook in Woojin’s hold. “What time is it?” 

“Nearly seven. And I’m not going to push past this, but are you sure you don’t want to talk about whatever caused you to wake up so abruptly?” Woojin inquired softly, kind fingers caressing the younger’s cheek. 

Seungmin shook his head before leaning into the comforting touch, eyes falling closed. “No, I always wake up like that, ‘s nothing special. Why’d I sleep so late…?” 

Woojin sighed, lifting Seungmin’s chin slightly, wanting nothing more in that moment than to keep a constant stream of physical contact (and to take the damn hurt from his pup’s eyes, but that was neither here nor there). “Well, last night wasn’t exactly the easiest of nights, and it was nearly two when you finally fell asleep. Honestly, I was expecting you to sleep for at least another hour or two.” Seungmin hummed before deciding to scoot up slightly and bury his face into Woojin’s warm neck. “How are you feeling?” the eldest murmured, a gentleness Seungmin had only ever heard achieved by Woojin coating his words. 

Seungmin grimaced against Woojin’s neck, burrowing further into the comfort and shaking his head. “Well, I’ve got a little something I want to do for you today, okay? Because you need a break as much as all of us, and you haven’t gotten that yet despite everything.”

Seungmin grunted, changing the subject. “Did I-- Did I hurt you when I kneed you?” he asked worriedly, pulling back to watch Woojin’s face. 

Woojin’s smile was kind. “No, baby; you were so close I barely even registered you had hit me.” A lie-- Seungmin’s knee was fucking  _ bony _ , but he had enough on his plate and a tiny bruise wasn’t even worth mentioning let alone getting upset over.

“O-Oh. Good.” 

Woojin smiled, pulling Seungmin in to place a soft kiss to his forehead. Seungmin felt his cheeks color but ignored it, instead moving forward to place a gentle kiss to the eldest’s lips. Woojin hummed, pleased, and ran the pad of his thumb across Seungmin’s cheek with an intimate gentleness that drove Seungmin’s heart absolutely  _ crazy _ . “Are you ready to start the day, pup? We’ll be coming back in here, but I’ve got just a thing or two to do in the kitchen before we settle into my plans for the day, if that’s okay with you.”

Seungmin nodded sleepily, sitting up and rubbing at his left eye with the back of his hand as a soft yawn made itself present. He gasped in surprise when Woojin pulled him tightly into his arms, smothering him in kisses across his cheeks and forehead and lips. “ _ God _ , I adore you,” he muttered as he tucked the younger under his chin, squeezing him tightly. Seungmin giggled, the noise both confused and joyous. “You’re so cute,” Woojin mumbled, leaving a warm kiss to Seungmin’s hair. He swung his legs off the edge of the bed, Seungmin still on his lap, and stood, readjusting the small boy so his ankles were locked behind Woojin’s back and his face was buried in his shoulder. 

Woojin walked to the kitchen, smiling and placing a kiss to Chan’s lips when the younger approached. Chan also stopped to put a warm hand on Seungmin’s back, eyes filled with knowing hurt as he placed a soft kiss to the back of his head. Seungmin made a pleased noise but didn’t react past that, too emotionally volatile to reveal his teary cheeks to whom he knew was their leader despite the man not making a sound. Next, they came across Hyunjin, who cooed at the sight of his boyfriends, and Sengjin, who had a soft kind of envy in his eyes even as his smile told Woojin that seeing such a sight brought the kid genuine happiness. Hyunjin placed a soft kiss to his hyung’s lips before moving behind him. 

Gentle fingers in his hair finally had Seungmin raising his head, just slightly, and Hyunjin’s smile was soft, no pity in sight despite the younger’s wet cheeks. “I’m proud of you,” he whispered gently. “I wish you hadn’t gone through what you did, but… I am so proud  of your strength.” Seungmin sniffled, nodding, and let Hyunjin wipe at his tears even as more fell. Hyunjin kissed the younger on the lips gently. Seungmin whined softly when Hyunjin pulled away, and Hyunjin gave a breathy laugh. He leaned back in, indulging Seungmin, and one of the hands wrapped around Woojin’s neck came to Hyunjin’s soft cheek.

“I love you,” he murmured, voice thick with tears.

Hyunjin’s eyes were impossibly smitten. “I love you, too, sunshine, more than I could ever express.” He gave Seungmin another kiss. “Now, I’m gonna let hyunggie do his thing, okay?”

“One more,” he mumbled, not wanting Hyunjin to go just yet.

“Min,” Woojin cooed softly, “I don’t mind either way, but do you want Hyunjinnie to hold you for a little while?”

Seungmin looked at Hyunjin with imploring eyes, and Hyunjin smiled softly, nodding slightly. “Y-Yeah,” Seungmin whispered. Woojin hummed, placing a soft kiss to his forehead before handing him to Hyunjin. 

“I’ll be back in a few, yeah?” Woojin hummed. Seungmin nodded, burying his face in Hyunjin’s neck. Hyunjin kissed Woojin again, murmuring reassurances against his lips, and Woojin was smiling gratefully when they pulled away. 

“Wanna sit in the recliner?” Hyunjin asked softly, running a hand though the younger’s hair. Seungmin nodded (not that he really cared where they sat as long as he didn’t have to let go), and Hyunjin sat down so Seungmin was straddling him in the large recliner. He held the younger as close as possible without hurting him, but it seemed like it still wasn’t enough for Seungmin. 

“I love you,” the younger whimpered, tightening his grip around Hyunjin’s neck. “Like, I really, really love you, and I never want to let you go or stop kissing and hugging and cuddling you, and I don’t want anything to ever happen to you because you deserve the world, and I look at you sometimes and my heart squeezes painfully because I wish I could somehow make you comprehend just how much I would do for you and how much you mean to me, but I suck with words and I suck with actions so I’m constantly caught in the limbo of wishing and hurting and loving and not understanding and I don’t know what to do because I think if I ever hurt you, I’d end myself. I wish I could protect you and bubble wrap you and take away all your pain, but that isn’t possible and that reality fucking  _ hurts _ , Jinnie, and I wish it didn’t, but it does and I’m sorry I’ll never be enough.”

Hyunjin pulled Seungmin away from his neck, eyes serious, cutting through Seungmin like a serrated knife. “You listen to me right now, Kim Seungmin.” Seungmin looked startled at the brisk voice Hyunjin used, unaccustomed to anything but gentle ministrations and reassurances from the older. “You will  _ always _ be enough. There is not a fucking moment in your life that you will be less than enough. You had better be listening because I am serious. I love you and I know you love me, and you will  _ always _ be enough. Just the thought that you try to express how much you love me, even if you think you can’t do it, is enough. I know that you love me, and hopefully the knowledge is reciprocated because I’d go to the ends of the earth and further for you.”

Seungmin sniffled, rubbing at his eyes and nodding as tears spilled over his eyelids and down his rosy cheeks. Hyunjin’s soft fingers rubbed at the younger’s ruddy cheeks before a gentle kiss was placed to Seungmin’s forehead. 

Suddenly, as if trying to rip itself violently out of his throat without him even knowing it had made itself dormant in his esophagus, he blurted a truth he hadn’t realized he needed to release to Hyunjin. “I’m asexual!” came the alarming, and random, admission. Seungmin gasped afterwards, his own hand coming to cover his mouth, eyes wide, scared. He began to stutter apologies, trying to crawl off Hyunjin’s lap, but the older caught his wrist gently. 

“Hey,” his soft voice broke through, “Min, baby, it’s okay, there’s no need to panic.” Hyunjin moved his hand to the younger’s bicep, warm fingers curling around his goosebump skin gently. “Thank you for telling me, baby,” he began slowly, “I’m glad that you trust me enough to tell me. Just like with any other aspect of our relationship, I hope you’ll tell me the moment I do anything that makes you uncomfortable-- or somehow tell me before it happens. This doesn’t change how I think or feel about you, okay?” Seungmin nodded slowly, body relaxing in increments as Hyunjin’s angelic smile rendered him unguarded. 

 

Woojin was a little glad that Hyunjin had grabbed Seungmin because it meant that he could be a little more extra with his plans. He grabbed extra blankets and made a sort of nest on his small bed, grabbed a few cold water bottles, the chocolate, and the chips in a bowl and put them in the center, then he went to make the half dozen eggs, seasoned and cooked the way Seungmin liked, half the batch being chilled for later in the day, knowing that he liked chilled eggs later in the day and warm eggs in the morning. 

He made sure the eggs were  _ dry _ as he knew how sick Seungmin got simply at the  _ thought _ of damp eggs. He travelled into his bedroom, setting it on the bedside table. As he exited for the last time without Seungmin, he turned on the fan before closing the door and moving to the living room. He walked in on Seungmin crying, hugging Hyunjin tightly as Hyunjin pet through Seungmin’s soft hair, leaving butterfly kisses to his hair every few moment, nose buried in his hair. 

Woojin leaned against the doorframe, taking in the sight in front of his with fondness coursing through his veins. The floor made noise as Woojin shifted his legs, and Hyunjin raised his head slowly, a small smile dancing across his lips as he realized who it was. The younger murmured something to Seungmin, and the youngest amongst them raised his head, sleepy eyes finding Woojin easily as his arms stretched out and his fists clenched and unclenched in a grabbing motion. Woojin sauntered over and picked up the younger, smiling gently as he brushed Seungmin’s bangs out of his eyes. 

“Hey, pup,” he hummed softly, “you ready to come back to my room?” Seungmin nodded, fingers playing with Woojin’s hair playfully. Woojin smiled. “Do you want Jinnie with us?” Seungmin’s eyes brightened, and he began to nod before stopping abruptly to turn to Hyunjin behind them. Hyunjin smiled encouragingly so Seungmin turned back and nodded. Woojin hummed, situating Seungmin on his hip so he could grab Hyunjin’s hand. 

Hyunjin crawled into the nest of blankets, careful of the bowl in the center of the bed, and Woojin handed him Seungmin so the younger could cuddle into the dancer’s body. Hyunjin raised the blankets around them over Seungmin and his shoulders, tucking them both in tightly. Woojin sat opposite the pair, smile gentle. 

“Minnie, we’ve got treats, snacks, and eggs. I’ve also got some eggs chilling for later.” Seungmin hummed happily, eyes crinkling. “Do you want some of the warm eggs now?” He nodded and Woojin hummed, grabbing the plate he’d sat on the bedside table. 

Seungmin opened his mouth obediently when Woojin approached with filled chopsticks, and Hyunjin giggled at the younger, squeezing him tightly. Seungmin thought, in that very moment, things would be just fine. It’d just take some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please talk to me I'm lonely--  
> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Instagram -- llama_the_alpacax  
> NEW!! Curious Cat -- doodlebugrambles   
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely

**Author's Note:**

> Main Tumblr -- thekinkpopstandsforkillme  
> Writing Tumblr -- doodlebug-rambles  
> Comments, Requests, Kudos appreciated  
> STAY Lovely


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